My writing for today D102

When I am aware of the email the professor from the university might have sent me, I feel nervous. When I look inside I see that I am really afraid of not completing my life goal of making a difference with my life in how the human is. Right now that is through becoming a researcher and I am afraid I may have compromised my relationship with this one particular professor. I realize that being a researcher is just one way I can make an effect on the human. And I am willing to accept that perhaps no one will use my research or that despite anything I do, I might not make an effect in the human. Ultimately the only person I can make an effect on with 100% certainty is with my self. And I realize now too how children are the only other ones that may change, as they are still developing at an early age. So the solution that I see for me is to stop seeking recognition or a point of satisfaction from having changed or influenced others, children or adult humans,  because I am not in control of my point of satisfaction or recognition, because it’s the humans choice whether they listen. I just have to be satisfied with my choice to listen and my choice to change, and one of those choices is to be satisfied with just me, self-satisfaction. That I am enough for me, in this life, that I don’t need a human sexual relationship, that I don’t need to go out and change the world, that I don’t have to be friends with everyone or have friends, but instead I can learn to interact with all humans as I would interact with myself as another as an equal. And because my starting point is me, and how I am living the point of being satisfied with just me, there will be no pressure to be anything other than myself. And if I see a point that I would like to adopt as myself, I do so. Just like how I am adopting this point of self-satisfaction, which is similar to self-acceptance. And within that I am living the real solution for humans which is self, or yourself. And for me it doesn’t matter if anyone lives this point too, meaning, I won’t find satisfaction if others live this point nor despair if others do not realize themselves. Im fine if im the only one who ends up living this point. I would like it if others live this point. The phrase that would fit here is the more the merrier, but I won’t miss that point, because ultimately its for yourself that you change. So if I help others it will be completely selfless, meaning there won’t be any change for me, in who I am. The change would only be in others.

Roadblock-Dreams-highschool

I am really wondering why the hell do we go for relationships? Its like why the hell do we even want a relationship? Why? Its so pointless. I mean it can be cool, but everyone I see is not ready, or actually cares or wants to really communicate themselves or relate to each other honestly. People are really fucked up right now. So whatever the reason I have and the majority of humans have for wanting a relationship is in separation of themselves. Because whatever answer people may give, chances are it is not self. Who seeks a relationship because its for themselves? I mean really, who actually does this? Who is actually intimate with themselves to actually take self into consideration. Who? Its like everyone is seeking themselves in something separate, that they have created a separated definition like love, hope, satisfaction, fulfillment etc… As for me, there was a moment a while ago where someone asked me what I desired and I said to be loved and accepted. When I said this I was thinking about people like a group of people like friends. The person I was talking to said that it sounded like I wanted a relationship. I never clarified this to this person, but I sort of went along with what they said. So in mind or viewpoint, my desires for relationship was a problem, and the solution was to find an awesome group of people that also saw the same problems I did and saw that not one person, i.e. the relationship, was what mattered, or even a small group of people, i.e. family, mattered, but that everyone mattered. So within that feeling love and satisfaction and acceptance within one’s stance that one takes of standing by with for everyone and recognizing that value equally in everyone and in yourself. I think that at the time I had trouble communicating myself to another, and I still may do, probably actually, and I had like the self-doubt or questioning of myself like in the back of my mind that maybe I am full of shit, maybe Im all talk, maybe Im lying, maybe Im a trickster, maybe this is just this high almighty Christ like savior talking, and its not me at all, and maybe this is true because I feel something when I am saying that I am taking the stance of caring for everyone equally as myself, to not exclude anyone, but include everyone in every moment of my life. That I accept myself as this and willing to walk like this into eternity even it somehow leads to my destruction or lead me into horrors that I must face in order to keep standing. So its sort of like a this can’t be real backchat, that someone like this cannot exist, that someone cannot say this and actually mean it, especially me, because of my background in meditation, and having a spiritual family, and how I saw that spiritual people are the most deceptive because of what things that they repeat over and over to others like sayings or mantras of things which are motivating to people, like an energetic fix or addiction. And I am wondering if I am doing the same thing with the desteni message. And so I stopped applying the Desteni message, I created space from that. I stopped repeating to myself some of the reminders I had regarding self-forgiveness, or self-honesty or breathing. I stopped writing and doing vlogs saying things I thought would support life if anyone were to live by them. And its like by doing this, because of following this maybe in the back of my head, I stopped directing, saying something like, what could I know, I am not in the position to know. Yet I know I know, which makes it all the more cruel. So something that is hard for me is to share what is going on within myself, because it might not be accepted b others as the truth. That they make think I am lying.  Do I do this with others? I don’t think so. Im looking to how I respond to what people in my life say, and whether I think they are lying to me. But I do think that most people in my life don’t speak the truth, like a withholding of the truth. It could be that they don’t know the truth, and I have been assuming that they know the truth that is going on within themselves and around them. I didn’t fully understand the truth until I heard the Desteni interviews. So it may be the same with others. And I am still uncovering things about myself to this day. Its maybe then it works like this, how through thinking or believing that everyone already knows the truth of themselves, which is not true because Im still uncovering things about myself to this day, how through that I assume or believe that others also see the truth of what I am saying or actually the truth of me, even if I don’t share it. So within that I compromise what I say to be less than what I can speak in specificity because I am believing that others can see some things about me or some content that I am not sharing through my words. When the truth is people can only see or read or hear what you say. And with that people have to assume that what you say is true if they will assign that to you to really mean what you say. We can’t see beyond that words that we speak, into some magical words that are not spoken. If we believe we do that then its an assumption or a belief, meaning we could be totally wrong. I mean a person could be speaking to you, like me and be totally lying. But only that person will know the truth that whether they are speaking the truth. So for me it is important for me to know whether I am speaking the truth. I can’t live in a situation where I don’t know whether what I am saying is really me speaking it and sharing it. but it seems even more important that I am living in the situation where everything I speak and share and even do is really me sharing, speaking and doing, but also knowing it. because that seems to be the troubling thing for me, how do I know whether I am being real in what I am doing, how do I know that I am really living and not just the result of some program. And this scares me more because if I am just the result of some program then that leaves the door open or some possibility that I will not stand as this way. Because I am statisfied with what I am standing or commiting myself as. The worry I guess is whether I will stand. Which is a future thing. Which is of course not real, because the future is never here, you just have this moment. So in this moment am I just a program, will I continue to be here and stand as this thing which I, you could say trust, and am willing to live as? I’d say yes that I am willing to continue to stand here as this. But am I a program? Well what is a program? I would say that a program is when you are not here, yet doing and participating in things and the program is what is doing and participating in things while you are not here. And when you are not here you are usually focusing on a thought, which is the distracting part of the program, while the physical part of the program, moves you, or maybe gets you to move. In any case, for me, when I notice I am participating in a program, I am not here with the muscles of my body, I am not here with the moment to moment movement of my body, such as the movement of hands, or the breathing that I constantly do, or the various sensations of heat or pressure, and sometimes intensity when I am doing physical labor. So when I am for example not experiencing my body, this is already a sign to me that I am not here, and I could be thinking or focusing in some program, maybe a high feeling or maybe a depression feeling or scared feeling, or adrenaline feeling etc… So the question is what I said before, is it really me saying it and I am here while saying it, or am I not here and thus am I participating as a program? So what I see right now is a fear of not being accepted by others so I feel like I have to speak and share who I am in order to prove who I am to others, and show that I am worthy of acceptance. Part of this is because I see what happens to some people that are not accepted by others. And I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t want people to mistake me as an abuser or accepting and allowing abuse. One problem with that is that I am be accepting and allowing abuse, and I may be an abuser, and if I don’t want people to see me as an abuser or that I am accepting and allowing abuse then I may try and hide that from others, and also from myself then too. I see now how the starting point of wanting to not be seen as an abuser by others, is in separation of myself. I am not considering myself in this, and thus I am also not considering everyone and thus my starting point is in separation from everyone. I would be much more glad to share myself freely without fear of being seen or called an abuser. That does not mean I will share everything because our society is very reactive to certain things and this may or may not lead to possible repercussions in the future. Part of this fear is how Destonians may react to me, and the fear of the possible consequence of being banned, which I know that if they really are standing as commonsense and best for all, and I really am standing for the same which is self-supportive living that supports all as well, then there will be no banning. If there is, I am self-honest with my self then I will see what’s going on, which can be anything, literally. So its never good to assume but to always investigate everything. Having said that there is lots that I wanted to share but never did. And I know its ok to share what I have looked and to continue to probe and poke the point to see what it really consists of. But I also realize It will be a gradual process, which is strange because when I am sharing it all seems ok, no resistance. But other times its like I can’t share one word that I really wanted to say. So because of that, in the past it has been a huge battle. But now I see, thanks to the DIP course, how I need to look for what moments I freeze and what about the moment I am reacting to. In other words to look for the triggers. Which there might be many of them, and I need to be thorough with each one, meaning I can only work with one of them at a time, so as to not overwhelm myself. So I notice right now when I am talking about what I will do, according what I learned from DIP, I am having backchat like a person is speaking to me, maybe a faceless destonian, how that is not what you are suppose to do, as if speaking from a point of knowing what it is that DIP is about. Within that I see past conversations about my DIP courses with my buddy where I saw something that I thought was cool for me, and I maybe half-shared it or not fully expressed the point, and that maybe because of that she dismissed the point or I was not able to fully express the point. And then I get confused or worried that maybe I am an ego or evil because I believe in living certain points that are not accepted by my buddy. I feel conflicted or worried, because what if all if this is all a misunderstanding or miscommunication which for me is definitely common. Its like I am sooo worried about what words I use. I have no idea that when I speak people understand me, unless they actually comment about it or talk about it in great length. So I also do the same, which I think is cool because that is what I would want to be done when someone talks with me. And now its like I have become the exact opposite in my daily life that I talk very short and abrupt now on purpose. Its like I have become the exact opposite of who I was  a year ago, which is not what I wanted. I feel like I can’t see ten feet in front of me, where before I would see everything, every detail inside and out. And its like I am waiting for something or I am very afraid to make a move, because if someone were to tell me this, I would say hell yeah, change back, you made a mistake. But there is like this other side, that maybe your totally wrong maybe your totally lying to yourself. And so I feel powerless, maybe because I really haven’t made a choice. I sort of hate talking like this because I wish I could just share myself with others openly and they could just see what is going on. But everytime I write its like there is this voice that is saying your fake or your lying. Then it becomes hard for me to tell. So part of the problem is the part of feelings or emotions. Because I feel things when I am standing or forgiving myself or even in other moments, like just being self-honest about something or realizing something. And I get confused because no one at Desteni really talks about what they feel sometimes only rarely, and I wished they did that more. In the end, as an ultimatum, I don’t care if I am full of feelings, all I care about is my ability to direct myself absolutely, ever muscle, every breath, every moment, every thinking thing, use the mind absolutely as a tool, etc… Be a fully self-directing human, that is honest with himself absolutely, that I keep no secrets from myself, that I can question the mind absolutely, which for me is essentially the past, which is memories, which is associations (i.e. they are all the same) and so it is also just something we learned. And I realize that we all have our perspectives and we have each our own definition of words that we learned growing up, and that miscommunication happens very often so we all need a lot of patience and spend a lot of time when listening to any humans to really understand what he or she is saying and where he or she is coming from, which requires dedication and effort and time. Which is exactly what I did in the very beginning when I was listen to Bernard and the portal interviews. To me it seems the problem with emotions and feelings come when we place greater value on emotions and feelings than on more important things like people, or living things, or ourselves, because we are the only value of life right? The existence and everything and everyone in it, right? So when I speak this I know this is true, which is for some reason difficult for me. So I already know something is wrong here, because it should be easy for me to speak the truth. I think that it may be because of this world of opinions, where you are not allowed to infringe on other people’s opinions, that you are not allowed to speak an absolute truth. Well I think that’s fucked up, no? I see like this image of this evangelical preacher or religious person popping up, and I am comparing myself to this image saying I am this image, when I know that I am not really this image. And I am just judging myself and assuming that I am just this image and nothing more if I speak absolute truths. That I know is not right for me or anyone  else to do. So I see now that I fear being a power hungry person that dictates everything and think he knows the truth about everything. But this is just an image in my mind, and a complete judgment. No one is like this, no one. We each have many layers, and to ssay this is all a person is is a lie. Furthermore sometimes someone may have the truth and may be right a lot. In any case listen to everyone and figure out the truth. No matter how often they are wrong or right. Listen. So within that I can trust myself, because I trust the words I am speaking, meaning I want to live these words because they are words that I will be satisfied living as. So I give permission to myself to live these words. And to also disregard words which are not supportive or caring for all life. 

I give myself permission to live, to create myself in way that supports me and everyone.

I forgive myself for judging myself as insincere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the Destonians as insincere

I commit myself to stop judging others and myself.