“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

What do you do when someone lies to you?

I am going to be writing about something that has been haunting me for years. It is my first relationship. It will be about the abuse, the lies, and the deception I faced. It will be about how I didn't call out the abuse, the lies or deception, and how I didn't stand up for myself. It will be about how I will learn, change and be better for me. Writing this out here is how I start to change into being better for me.

So, my first relationship was with a girl I met in college. I had spoken with her a few times. We hanged out. She had told me that she had broken up with boyfriend. However, this was a lie. I am someone that would never date someone or do anything with someone who was still with someone else.  After we had our first kiss she had then called to break up with her boyfriend, who was in her home town. I only found this out later when she had went back to her hometown for break and had kissed her ex-boyfriend. She was deciding who she wanted to be with.

What I should have done when I found out that she kissed her ex-boyfriend or when she told me she had lied to me was to break it off right there. Because I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. But I didn't do that. Instead I still held onto her.

I am the kind of person that will commit to one person. I would never kiss someone else, or be with someone else. And I wouldn't lie or manipulate someone into a relationship with me. I would only date someone who wanted me for me. But, I didn't have the backbone to pick someone who I wanted. I only waited around to be picked and wanted. This is a flaw. If I had the decision to only pick to be with someone that I wanted to be with for who they are, then I would be much better off.

I know that sometimes you have to take a risk, where you risk being lied to and screwed over. But how I respond to finding out that I was lied to defines me. I should have ended it right there saying, no thank you I want to be with someone who doesn't lie to me, I respect myself.

What I did, accepting her abuse, accepting this abuse became my own self-abuse. This has been haunting me. There is a sadness that I would let this happen to me. There is an anger that I would let this happen to me. That I didn't stand up for what's best for me. I don't miss her. Everything we experienced was based on a lie, and I was interested in building a life and being committed, she wasn't. But I do miss myself. I need myself. I need myself to stand up for me. To say no to abuse.

People do lie. People do deceive. So its important to call out the abuse and lies. This defines you, not them, when you call it out. I have been living with a shame within calling out lies or abuse, as if I am making them the abuser or liar, when that is not the truth. It part of some design of being good, and so seeing no evil. Giving everyone the second chance. When really giving a person what they actually created for themselves, is how they best learn. You reap what you sow. So its important that I don't enable abusers, or liars, to take advantage. They must pay the price. I must protect myself.

This pattern that I am describing here, is ubiquitous, it applies throughout my life, it is a part of me. I need to have more self-respect and stand up for myself more. This is a process to change, to become this way. It won't happen overnight. But tonight is a great step.

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