Day-39: My Emotions at Arms Length

When I was in the first year of highschool, towards the end, my mom had visited an astrologer to see about what would be best for me. She went on some day magical, like 5/5/05 which both her and I took as a sign of the value of the following, that I should change schools to a Jesuit College Preparatory school. When I heard the news, I thought it was like divine plan. I felt sad inside because there was this girl I liked and known for a couple years that went to the school I was in. I had however in my desperato fashion, saw leaving as good and necessary and I made a positive or unemotional façade about leaving. Her and I had not been talking in a while, and all of a sudden in our English class she hugged me while we were standing. I did not hugged her back thinking to myself I can’t hug her or I would cry. I very much lived in a life of emotions. I never wanted to appear or look emotional so is my pattern of mind. I wanted to be courageous, not fearful, ever. I only wanted to be expressing positive things, lol. This is silly though because I ignore who I am here. I did experience those emotions, sadness, and its not to cover them up but to face them as myself and realize, that these emotions have been in separation from me and I require to align them as myself to a supportive position for myself and so all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can’t hugged her back or I would cry.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to this day keep my emotions bottled up and tucked away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing sadness, and depression openly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own emotions, and so create it my mission to eliminate all my negative emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when initially start with Desteni to only want to know how to get rid of my negative emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within process desire to be without emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand one and equal with and as emotions as myself and realign emotions to my self-responsibility and self-directive stance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that I was leaving my friend, as I secretly wanted to appear sad so she would feel sorry for me and continue to want me by her side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my desire to appear courageous, sacrifice myself by cutting myself away from the emotions within me, letting them linger, unresolved and influencing my behaviors/living from a distance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see positive expressions as a solution to the negative emotions, as it only adds a layer ontop of the emotions, it does not in fact stand as a one and equal solution, otherwise i would face emotions/fears head on as myself one and equal to that and redirect the points into alignment within myself. 

I commit myself to walk in writing the points that are supportive to me to free the points I have kept enslaved to energy, e.g. the mind and sadness, and stand as the one and equal director of my life.