Day 883 Rise

So, I can easily open my heart and see how we should be with each other, which would be like us all being friendly, listening, understanding, and supporting each other. And so that vision is so crystal clear that I can see with my waking eyes. And that enables me to push for that vision/future by being that myself for others, and encouraging others to be the same way. Yet within that, my heart is fully invested in that, in those people I am with. And what happens is that people, or some persons will do something that is against that where they are stating they don't want any part of that. And really it is those situations that are when the person is completely agreeing with that and living that and then turns around and walk away from that. So it is that sudden change, that I could not have predicted or expected, that I want to say that I my heart can no longer take such disappointments anymore. Its too much.

And so the question is how do I take it? How do I take the disappointment and continue living with my heart open with this vision as my goal? Because it will happen again, because that is how things are. That is guaranteed. What can I change that will allow me to continue?

I don't know the answer. And that is why I am writing this blog in hopes that I can find it.

I believe that what this design relates to is something I would say as an 18 year old and had believed since childhood. What I would say is that if my mom weren't around, or would have died, then I would not have been able to keep on living. I would have killed myself, because the insanity of the people around me, my family and my peers, and community. The insanity of the adults and people would have been too much for me to bear. Now I wouldn't say that, but I can see how its related. Its like that feeling of things being too much for my heart. 

I have definitely matured and with my process and tools, this enabled me to take things much better than I otherwise would have. Given all the situations I have faced, I have been stronger than before. But I am stuck now, and don't know what to do. 

One idea is that I be like Rocky and take the punches. Find a way to be able to take the hurt and continue. But I also feel tired. Tired of trying, tired of failing. Tired of taking things over and over. 

I don't want to fight and struggle anymore. 

 I suppose then that I am in that point of giving up, yet at the same time, I haven't fully given up. Because I am trying to find a way, a solution. I am stubborn. 

I don't want to vilify those who are disappointing me. I want to be stronger somehow. I want to be able to be that open heart for them, and continue to be so, no matter how they respond. How?

What I see is that in that moment where they do turn, and so turn against their word and commitment, that I approach them and I tell them something like I see you are breaking your word, and I want to let you know that its okay, and I am here for you if you want to talk about it, and I do believe that you can keep your word. And in so saying this to them, I know one response is that they will deny that they broken their word. And I have no wish to fight with them, and so the best I can say would be something like: I believe in you. Let me know if you need any help.

So if I say the above, then I can maintain my heart without that burden. What I notice is that when people turn, that they are entering into a fight type mode, and so they are fighting themselves through fighting you. So its best to as their self, not fight them. Because fighting only deepens the divide with self. REAL change comes through not fighting, but realigning with your self again. Fighting indicates a separation from self. It also indicates a lack of confidence. Some people like to say they are confident when they are actually simply in a fight. 

Fight is an interesting word and a long history for humanity. It would be worth investigating for self. Within what is best for all, there is no fight. And so it is required, being able to face those who are fighting you, and being able to support them without going into the fight, and that requires specific words and actions. What defines whether you are fighting is your words and actions, so pay attention in the moment and choose. Don't let the mind choose for you.

It is safe to assume that the natural instinct within us humans with minds, is to fight against those with an open heart and with the solution for our separation. That is the situation we are in and that which we must rise from.