I have been living to meet others' expectations 263

Today I was working with the Nervous Energy.

The design of Nervous Energy I found to include the Inferiority experience.

I saw that Nervous Energy would shift into Inferiority when I would receive a question that I didn't know how to answer.

The overall design of the trigger I found to be reacting to what I perceived to be other people's expectations of me.

This would trigger feeling Inferiority when I saw myself as not meeting other people's expectations of me, and I would shift into the Nervous energy, when I was trying to meet the perceived expectations.

So in real time it would occur something like this:

 -Trigger: Someone in my environment (or in my thinking) I perceive that they hold an expectation of me

-Reaction: I would feel Inferiority, because I am not meeting the expectation, and I would shift into Nervous Energy as I try to live into the expectation I believe they are having of me.



In my memories, I do have instances where some people deliberately made fun of how I am, and within that I reacted to them within inferiority, and I did make it into this system where I then sought to become/fit into that which I perceived to be their expectation of me, which was to speak more, thus accessing the Nervous Energy, while trying to live out this expectation, because of the fear of not meeting the expectation, and entering into inferiority again, which was what I feared as well. I honestly did not like feeling inferior. I do not blame these people, I take responsibility for accepting and allowing the experience of inferiority in those moments, and the Nervous Energy in those subsequent moments.

I recognize that I have participated in this for much of my life, since I was very little. And I recognize this to extending to almost everyone I have met, with only a few exceptions. The exceptions were people with whom I didn't have the thought or perception that they had expectations of me, and they were of such a nature that they expressed themselves to make it appear as if they truly accepted me, how I am, and would truly assist and support me, which matched in their actions. This didn't meant that people with whom I had integrated as part of this system, were not like these few exceptions, no. I notice especially that with people I would observe from afar, that even though I knew very little close to nothing about them, I would build in my mind and thought expectations that they could have of me. I am grateful for these few individuals, because they provided and assistant for me to see what I am like when I am not participating in this system, or at least within this nervous and inferiority, and so gave me an access to that potential of living, which I do wish for. But I have been going about it all wrong so far in this life. I also didn't know any better, so I don't blame myself. I believed that I had to first change, become more talkative. When the truth is the answer is what I am doing right now. Understanding what it is I am feeling, why it is the way it is, how I have created and participated within and as it, and to forgive it, and finally walk the real time corrections. There may be more for me to learn about this system, and there may be more to it than what I have uncovered thus far. But I share this process so that others can take a shortcut, and save themselves time. Because that is one of the most precious things we have in this life, is time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with inferiority for not meeting someone else’s expectations for me.

When and as I feel inferiority- I stop, breathe- and I refocus myself on my expectations for myself. I realize that within my expectations for myself, I am clear, and in others expectations for me I am not clear… I am conflicted, and in energy, nervousness, etc… and that is not a way to live.

I commit myself to hold myself up to my own standards.