I am addicted to my negative emotions. 265

Today, I faced a strange design. I was in a situation where someone was giving general advice, that wasn't directed at me, but when I read it, I took it personal, and I reacted to it. I saw it as myself not following her advice and within that I started feeling guilty. When I broke down the moment this is what I found:
At first, I had the Nothing Energy. From there I press the Energy down, and that turns into guilt. If I were to press the energy up, it becomes a high euphoric experience.
When I first read her advice, immediately, many different memories were activated, all connected by how I was not following her advice, as evidenced in her memories, and they were connected by failure, where I deemed these memories as being my failures, and I deemed these memories as where I gave up. In reality these memories are not failures or giving up. Yet, that is what I was judging and believing to be the case, as part of this design. This all happened in one moment. So there is part of the design where i am looking for the worse, for being a failure, for being someone who gave up, and so looking for the justification and trigger for the Nothing Energy.

As part of my behavioral psychology classes, I learned that organisms, like us humans, will unconsciously take on actions/habits if we are systematically given a reward. So knowing this, this explains this overall design of mine. I felt euphoria at the end, where from the guilt, the energy is pushed up, and it feels euphoric. All in all, I would call this design the, looking for the negative, so I can get my positive fix, hence the Nothing Energy representing this as both signifying, this design literally does nothing for me, and the Nothing Energy is simply a placeholder, nothing more. Nothing can also mean, this is a very simplistic, straightforward design, so not complex. The strength of this design I see, is in making something more of something that what it actually is. So let me explain...

The design requires that I make something more of my memories than what they actually were. So in this case, something where I did something wrong. This heavily relies on me having distrust in myself, and placing my trust outside of myself. Why? If I share this verbally to someone, I already expect someone to question me and my analysis of this design, saying something that I am crazy, or wrong. To instead consider that my guilt is real, and that I was in fact wrong in my memories. This is seen and expressed in the phrase "this is nothing." Where throughout my life, I have spoken and heard others speak this phrase: "it's nothing" and within that automatically doubting both them or me, whoever had spoken it. Why? I don't know, it was automatic. Hence, this doubt that is defined and attached to the word nothing, is part of this design, and part of the Nothing Energy. So this design really is nothing. It has no value for me.

All in all, I have to have respect for this design, because it is quite tricky, and I have gotten myself lost in it before in a number of occasions.

Perhaps I should call this the vampire design, because the purpose is to suck dry any negative energy anywhere, just so it can make it into a pleasurable experience. 

Better yet, it is, I am addicted to my negative emotions design. I have written about this in general, but I can't recall really writing it out specifically like this. Where I purposefully think of thoughts that trigger emotions, so that I can turn them into feelings. I notice this tends to happen when i am bored and empty of energy. And I can easily see how I have done this throughout my life, especially where energy was running dry. It's like needing that drama, in your life. The challenge for the hero to win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access the Nothing Energy, as my starting point for looking for negative energy, emotions in my memories, imaginations, and thoughts, where I use that to make myself feel better, as I directly transform the energy from negative into positive.

When and as i see myself transforming negative emotions into positive feelings, and when i am seeking to feel negative emotions for that purpose- I stop and I breathe, I need to bring some sense to myself, and snap out of the dream like state! I realize I am participating in a long acted in habit, done for fun, as a way to entertain myself when I felt bored or low on energy.

I commit myself to find the solidity of my physical body, connect with that, and let go of the search for negative emotions.