“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I know

I know! I know. I knowwwww!!!!!! I know, I know, I know. Stop telling me, I know!!!!!!!

I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know!  

Have you ever felt this way? I have. I felt stressed, annoyed irritated, shameful, confused, lost, worried, afraid and despair.

Why does this happen?

The best thing to do is to look at a memory to figure out this question. So I remember when I was learning to drive and my father was teaching me. He was telling me something I already knew, so I told him I know, I know! I felt annoyed irritated and angry. I didn't like him telling me something I already knew because I FELT that he thought I didn't know that, and I FELT stupid in his eyes, even though in reality that is not the case. So I let what I felt as a reaction get the better of me in that moment, where I trusted this insecurity and self-judgement that rose within me. I know that this is connected to time in the classroom where I judged those who knew answers to question as being better/smart, and those who didn't know answers as dumb. So this ties into the I don't know thinking. Because when I don't know I FEEL inferior, and lacking worth. And a moment where I think that is when I faced a challenging moment where I was exploring something new, that I didn't know what the outcome would be like. So I felt insecurity in myself, and in what I am doing, within not knowing what was going to happen. The truth is that yes I didn't know what was going to happen, but that is part of exploring something new. You are not going to know what is going to happen. So in both cases, what I felt initially as a reaction mislead me and was not best for me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior when it pertains to what knowledge I do or do not have on a subject, and so instead have my self-value and self-worth not tied AT ALL to what knowledge I do or do not have, but instead tied to me as who I am as my principles, values, and daily life decisions and directions I make.

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