“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day-40: Some Groundwork and Some Gurus


Im going to take this deconstruction of myself slowly.

I always wanted an easy life. 

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I can see this play out in the context of two summers ago where my dad, my brother and cousin and I were building a shed for my dad. I noticed how I did not try my best and how my dad kept telling me I would hate this kind of work because I do not enjoy working, like him. He wanted me to get a degree so I can get a job that does not require to much work and makes relatively more money than other jobs without degrees. This reminds me now of a conversation my dad and I had around the time I was about to enter highschool. We were walking outside at night and my dad asked me if I could have any job in the world, any, what would that be? What would you do out of love? To respond I first looked inside and saw a distaste for work that had no 'significance' where people are not 'helped' in what they need helped with most. I made it my job/responsibility to help people with their minds.  Behind these thoughts/my mind was feeling love and fear for doing a job for another person that was not entertaining. Love was an entertainment then for me. And the ultimate entertainment was feeling love within being someone who helps people through having total control of another being through their trust of your words. The basic design of a guru, from my perspective. A psychologist is also a form of a guru, where people trust the clinical psychologist to tell them/show them who they are/what their minds consist of, and how to change. In fact the entire system is filled with gurus as teachers, politicians, parents, adults(if your a child), old people(if your not old), it all depends on a trusting "the superiors." God then too is a guru/psychologist, with his holy books as the manual that is supposedly has all the knowledge of who you are and so you do not have to trust yourself, just trust God (this is a big point i am only touching on).
 To start off on self-forgiveness I am going to tackle a specific point of placing self-trust in separation of myself from this moment here to the outside/external that I believe to exist because I felt they existed in my mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own words to tell me who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my teachers to tell me who I am/how to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my parents to tell me who I am/the best way to live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in gurus to tell me who I am/how to realize who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in love to tell me who I am/how to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in God to tell me who I am/what I should do with my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in separation from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize teachers, parents, gurus, love, and God are here as me that I do not need to place trust outside of myself here, as all is here as myself as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own feelings to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own thoughts to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own emotions to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see directly who I am in the moment here and trust me to be able to see who I am, as all that is here is me and only requires me to be here to see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the following statement: "all I have to do is be here with the mind and allow the mind to tell me who the mind is and thus who I am" implies I can allow the mind to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can stop the mind in just one moment, and not realize I am in a process of stopping the mind and equalizing myself with the physical and so I have to both stand as the physical and stand as the mind to then stop the mind through self-forgiveness and writing.
I commit myself to continue the deconstruction of myself on these points daily.
I commit myself to investigate in my writings my fear of making a daily commitments to write.
I commit myself to write on my fear of making commitments I think I can't keep.
I commit myself to enter fears and stand as them to understand them so I can release them through forgiveness, all within utilizing my stand as the physical to support me in seeing these fears and taking them to self-forgiveness and self-correction in the physical.
I commit myself to build trust with me through proving to me what I am able to walk.

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