“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 17 - Punishment and Reward

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This morning I had an interesting revelation, that I have employed punishment and reward in many if not all of my actions. Its like a feeling, which is biologically based and self-created. I know its self-created and even automatized because I can stop and no longer punish and reward myself for said actions, at least within these moments here.
            I notice that the same behavior has been conditioned to punishment and reward, such as sleeping in my bed, where I find it aversive or punishing to wake up and get out of bed. Within trying to do so I find it rewarding or reinforcing to immediately lay down and sleep again once I sit up to get out of bed. But within this moment I did not allow myself to do this. Instead I focused on the sounds of the outside morning which I found rewarding.
            So my morning was like this, I was realizing how pretty much everything has been influenced and conditioned to reward and punishment, such that when I was walking around in my body this morning it was like I was seeing myself and this world for the first time. I was able to breathe here and experience this world, this body in this environment, and notice how there are these influences within me that try to influence me to do something because they are rewarding (because I think they are). Understand that it is like the moment before I decide they are rewarding, said actions. This could be called or seen as thinking or imagining about the future or how things are. Another thing, it is like I create my reality before I live it or actually experience it and get to know it, really as what it will actually be like. And I have the excuse that I do know it before I experience it, which can be seen in all humans as the mind’s claim for knowledge and specialness of knowledge, saying “I know what this experience is, I have had it before, why waste my time in experiencing it again, I know what it will be like.” Which brings me to another cool realization the mind says as well in everyone, “I was expecting something better, I knew this experience, and this experience was not suppose to be this experience, L.” LOL. So you see how ridiculous this is? We are living in the past, moments before life actually happens or occurs; missing the current moment, while thinking about the next, which makes sure we miss the next, which next creates another thought like above shown, where we can be sad, which creates another missed moment, which also occurs in thinking and so on and so forth.
It is to watch for these influences and FORCES, and stop by no longer participating in these FORCES for good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make getting out of bed aversive and punishing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make waking up aversive and punishing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it rewarding and reinforcing to sleep and lay down after having gotten up from bed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the sounds of the morning rewarding.
When and as I see myself feeling aversion to waking up while knowing it is time for me to wake, I stop and breathe – I realize that waking is simply physical – I realize it is time to wake – I realize aversion is self-created and currently not supporting self as I require to wake.
I commit myself to simply wake in the morning, no aversion, no rewarding, just wake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in punishment and reward as myself as a system within me, in separation of me, and in separation of this moment, and which directs me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to be directed by punishment and reward and not stand up within that as myself to direct as myself what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live vicariously through the mind as to not ever experience reality really but live in a shadow of what is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow reward and to avoid punishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my behaviors and actions to be reinforced by rewards and be extinguished by punishment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as what we were born to stand, as life as who we really are, as an equal to this existence and so not less than or more than punishment, reward, reinforcement, or punishment, but equal to that and so able to stand equal to ourselves and direct ourselves to do that which is best for all, which considers ourselves minutely and thoroughly since all is self and so all is equal.
I commit myself to live here in this moment, and be aware of these FORCES so that I stop participating in them and considering them within the equation of what is best for all.

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