Yogan's Journey to Life

  When I would come home from school everyday, I would have two hours of free time to relax. My mom supported me to have this free time and would say this is your time to relax from school and perhaps eat a snack. Once the time ended I would do home work until it was done, which usually took the rest of the day. During this time I would either watch TV or play video games. There were specific shows I would follow or games I sought to continue and finish. I remember this was a time I looked forward to everyday. I was always extra happy when we got to go home early as this meant more time to play or watch tv and relax and not think about homework. I would get upset if my brother did not get off the computer after having played an hour. I would make sure I would confirm with him when he would be getting off so I could keep him to his word. Every Saturday I would wake up by nine to watch tv shows in the morning. I would probably play video games in the afternoon. So...

Excerpt of Skype chat: we had a meeting today for EMS our team, [8/14/12 6:59:27 PM] Yogan: but i could not be there because of my cousin's car accident   I Am Blaming My Cousin For The Car Accident And For Me Not Being At The Meeting Today. I Thought There Was Nothing I Could Do. I Felt Sad. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there was nothing I could do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there was nothing I could do when I say I could not be at the ems meeting because of my cousin’s car accident. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought there was nothing I could do to the emotional experience known as sadness. When and as I see myself feeling sad while I am explaining to someone I could not be at the ems meeting because of my cousin’s car accident, i stop and breathe- I realize I really could not have done anything different and sometimes circumstance leads us. I realize...

I feel great fear when I think of starting classes again. I don’t want to feel fear in starting classes again as this will lower my performance. The thought of being behind in a class causes anxiety within me. As the assignment for dip is an assignment for a class I feel anxiety when I think I won’t finish it. I feel like I just want to runaway as in go on my laptop and surf the web or watch television shows, even ones I have already saw and where I feel no real enjoyment in doing so. This reminds me of playing video games where I even sometimes felt no enjoyment or just frustration yet played it. I see I am afraid of school, of responsibility for myself within school and being a student. I feel like I have no control of my situation that I am doomed to being in school and studying things that may not directly assist me and so within that I believe I will partially waste my time which I have judged as precious. Within writing out these words it feels like I am writing a scri...

Thought: I got passion in my pants and im not afraid to show show it. Im sexy and I know it. (lyric) I would have sex with a girl only in a agreement. But I have these thoughts where I react to thinking of girls. I think its ok to have sex with a girl if she agrees to it. But I know that there are consequences for having sex with someone you don’t know. And I have an anger reaction with thinking of my ex having sex with strangers she barely knows. I dreamt last night of having sex with girls I did not know. And I felt good within doing this.   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have sex with girls I do not know as I am trying to escape responsibility to the outflows and consequences with sex with charging myself with energy through being angry with my ex through thoughts she is having sex with strangers which will only lead to the eventual mind possession of myself by the sex system demon. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and attract women with my physical appearance. I forgive myself for not realizing that within accepting and allowing myself to attract women through my physical appearance i am accepting and allowing humans, males and females, to abuse their body to appear good in order to attract males and females they judge as having good appearance. I forgive myself for giving permission for anorexia due to my acceptance and allowance of attracting women with my image. I forgive myself for giving permission to the creation of mirages of oneself that’s sole purpose is to be an illusion to deceive other human beings as to one’s true nature and to even deceive oneself from knowing oneself since one is participating in energy and hiding within the generation of energy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spitefulness which is one’s desire to have free choice without being responsible for the consequences of one's action...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the one that someone loves, haves. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am the one that is good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the one that is loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have the one in my life, the one who loves me unconditionally. I forgive myself for not loving myself unconditionally. I forgive myself for desiring to have someone in my life to love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire love, to love, and feel love. I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to want the one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of the one. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live that the one is more than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize we are one with all and only we can exclude ourselves. I for...

Self-forgiveness out loud. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself in any given moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because I believe I am a loser. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not standing up for life everywhere. I forgive myself for not standing up for life, as life as myself. I forgive myself for not standing for an existence that cares for all parts as equals to one another. I forgive myself for standing and supporting an existence, through my  acceptance and allowance, one that is divisive and wholly blinds each part from seeing everyone. I forgive myself for not standing with everyone in every moment of my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue along a path of destruction that humanity lives. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing peers, friends, and family to continue to live the very same path of destru...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use video games to hide from existence by entering into an illusion in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for existence by avoiding existence and avoiding my responsibility to existence through playing a video game. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the justification and excuse that playing video games is ok because teachers or friends judge me as a good student. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play video games without restrictions and without being here in the physical to see that the physical body is suffering. i commit myself to do what is best for all by being aware of what i spend my time on and where i can expand myself within, such as exercising and stretching or planning my future.

Looking out my window - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate as an observer in reality so that i do not have to involve myself with reality. -I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the manifestation as my window as a reason for not participating and only watching reality as i participate in thoughts and energy. -I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that i am here in my room breathing, as who i really am as the physical. -I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself here through using what i see outside my window to distract me. - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the same zombie like state that the world is participating in as humanity where we use the window of television and the window of the mind to prevent ourselves from living here, deliberately so as to not face, to not see the consequences we have manifested together as equals in this reality. ...

Following from my post of day 1, i see that recently i have been separate from all that is here. I was living one and equal to myself here as my immediate environment, but within that i allowed the mind because i was not willing to see past my immediate environment. For example, in my studies for school i had only focused and accepted and allowed my work to be the only thing for me to be concerned about, within the belief that i would do my best by doing so. But i separated myself from my initial motivation and reason for studying, which is life. I used to place myself here as existence as the people who suffer in the same moment that i breathe. They are here in every moment. And so by remembering them and being aware that they too exist, i can get outside my ego and my limited view which is my immediate surroundings. Again i had stopped doing this and I was consumed by school work. Looking at what i wrote about how life has been my motivation, i see have separated myself from the de...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate emotions while watching the tv show supernatural. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate emotions and feelings while watching fringe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate emotions while playing the online game dead frontier. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy as emotions and feelings when I compete with other players and use them for my own purposes, involving deception. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, I have just been playing all day, I haven’t done anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from what I am doing on a Saturday. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate emotion of stress and anxiety when I think, I have just been playing all day, I haven’t done anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy as emot...