Day 900 Submitting to Authority

 So I have been using Authority incorrectly. And it has to do with my relationship to Authority. My design is one where I completely submitted to and feared not meeting the expectations of Authority. So I was motivated to do what I did, getting good grades, learning, behaving in class, which included denying myself socializing in class, not being loud, not drawing too much attention to myself, and trusting in authority. So if I were ever in a position of Authority, I would expect the same behavior from others to my Authority. So I naturally would be angry and frustrated (edit: I felt angry and frustrated because I was expecting others to conform to my Authority, when I am in a position of Authority, just like I conformed to others in positions of Authority)

I have been letting go of my fear of Authority. And it is changing me radically. It is allowing me to see how I can relate to others without placing expectations on them. I am equally not placing expectations on myself that had been derived from what others have placed on me, or what is in the consciousness of society/world system. 

So a lot of my behaviour that was me drawing from authority, believing I was doing what was best for others, when really it stemmed from my relationship to expectations, to fitting in, to doing what is right etc...I didn't see any other way to be except this way. But I knew that there has to be another way. One where I no longer am angry, I no longer blame, I no longer hate. 

Understand that this design enabled me to be a model student, and to find apparent success in the system. So I had a trust in it. Part of me believed this was correct, and just. I had to go through a personal journey to see things differently, one that I walked alone, so I wouldn't be blaming others. 

I am feeling a pain in my lower back, which I think is this point releasing, because I feel no knots in my back. The lower back represents your power center. So there is a shift in power, from living in fear, to me learning how to be strong as myself and be motivated and do things without this design. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not meeting the expectations of Authority figures in my life, or in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated to do things and achieve results due to my fear of disappointing authorities: teachers, parents, the police, people with money, bosses, God etc...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that for me to be a leader requires me to expect the same from others in terms of them bowing down to authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself in such great pains by denying myself enjoyment and expression in the name of appeasing authority and doing what is right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself by living a life of bowing down to authority. 

I forgive myself for doing these things to myself, because I didn't know any better, I didn't understand what I was doing to myself or why I was doing it, I had just trusted in it and believed in those around me. 

I understand that none of us really understand and we are learning. So its okay. For others too.