Day 898 Maybe

 I am feeling a lot of things. I do want to run away and hide from what I am feeling, and from the people that are bringing them up in me. I know that what I feel is from me, and not from them. I feel afraid of dissappointing people, like my parents, but also my friends. I am afraid of dissappointing people because they may leave me. And I want to keep people with me. 

I rather hide and not deal with anyone. I know that I also get dissapointed in other people and so get angry at them. And I think to myself that I am only helping them, by keeping them on the right path. And I hate myself for this because I know it drives people away, which is the opposite of what I want. I feel like I have to be dissappointed in myself and angry at myself in order to keep myself on the right path. 

I rather run away and not deal with people, so i don't have to be disappointed in them or try to keep them on the right path. Then i avoid being angry. I dont want to be angry. 

Maybe I don't need anger to help people or myself, to do what is best. Maybe I don't need to feel disappointed in myself or in others in order for us to change what we do so that what we do is better. 

Maybe I don't need to be tough, strong, powerful in order to say and express things with others. Maybe I don't need to fight and battle with others wills in arguments and speeches. Maybe I don't need to win and have the last word. Maybe we don't need to be dissapointed with others or with myself. Maybe we don't need to be angry at ourselves in order to stay on a certain path, a certain commitment, a certain outcome, with discipline and steadiness. Maybe we don't need to feel bad with ourselves or make others feel bad in order for us to be our best selves. Maybe the ends don't justify the means.

Maybe a leader is not someone who is strong, powerful, assertive, but instead is something else. Maybe we can nurture relationships, nurture conversations, nurture listening, and hearing each other out. Maybe a leader doesn't have to know everything and doesn't have to inspire others. Maybe inspiring words are an illusion, an attempt to make others feel good, in order to get them to like you. 

Maybe we can just be normal and natural with each other. Just equals walking this earth. Don't need to hound and be on top of each other. Don't need to cajole each other, make others feel good. be persuasive, manipulative. Maybe we can just be with each other.