Yogan's Journey to Life

So I have a lot to share in this blog. You see, I will covering what I did tonight, and as well as a draft of a blog I wrote on leadership. So I ask for some patience, because there is a very significant nugget of realization here for me, which is kind of a decision in itself, surprisingly. Paramore. So this is a band, whose music I was exploring and rocking out to for the past year. I remember when I bought their latest album about this time last year 2014. And I went to their concert that July. Sooooo. Tonight, just 1.5 hours ago, as I write this, I finish going to my 2nd concert. The most important thing that the reader, you should know, about this band, is the sincerity and honesty that have developed. Sooooo. This point of them committing to and sticking with themselves is what brought them the greatest success thus far in their music career. So for me, I have been lost, frankly, in what to do, and so really who to be. Who am I? This question clearly indicates I am lost, if y...

Today, I faced a strange design. I was in a situation where someone was giving general advice, that wasn't directed at me, but when I read it, I took it personal, and I reacted to it. I saw it as myself not following her advice and within that I started feeling guilty. When I broke down the moment this is what I found: At first, I had the Nothing Energy. From there I press the Energy down, and that turns into guilt. If I were to press the energy up, it becomes a high euphoric experience. When I first read her advice, immediately, many different memories were activated, all connected by how I was not following her advice, as evidenced in her memories, and they were connected by failure, where I deemed these memories as being my failures, and I deemed these memories as where I gave up. In reality these memories are not failures or giving up. Yet, that is what I was judging and believing to be the case, as part of this design. This all happened in one moment. So there is part of t...

So today I looked the Anxiety Energy, and I found the design to composed of Aggression as a response to the Anxiety Energy, and to be directed towards the trigger for the Anxiety Energy. The Anxiety Energy is distinct from the Nervous Energy, which I wrote about yesterday http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2015/04/i-have-been-living-to-meet-others.html What triggers my Anxiety Energy is something I fear, like something that could happen or might happen. If I am not allowed to enter into Aggression, my other response is Depression. Aggression is like a rising up of the Anxiety Energy, focusing primarily on my arms, chest and head region. Depression is a movement of the Anxiety Energy, down. This is my self-forgiveness and what I realized, and so my commitment: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight physically and with aggression towards people who had spoke or shared something with me that frightened me. When and as I see myself feeli...

Today I was working with the Nervous Energy. The design of Nervous Energy I found to include the Inferiority experience. I saw that Nervous Energy would shift into Inferiority when I would receive a question that I didn't know how to answer. The overall design of the trigger I found to be reacting to what I perceived to be other people's expectations of me. This would trigger feeling Inferiority when I saw myself as not meeting other people's expectations of me, and I would shift into the Nervous energy, when I was trying to meet the perceived expectations. So in real time it would occur something like this:  -Trigger: Someone in my environment (or in my thinking) I perceive that they hold an expectation of me -Reaction: I would feel Inferiority, because I am not meeting the expectation, and I would shift into Nervous Energy as I try to live into the expectation I believe they are having of me. In my memories, I do have instances where some people delib...

  Panic Attacks - Introduction https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-introduction-atlanteans-part-291  So I listened to the above linked interview and it has assisted me greatly. Over a week ago, I had an panic episode, which I can describe as overwhelming, seemingly never-ending, and panic being an accurate word for describing this experience. So this experience has stayed with me, and is still with me on some level inside myself, ready to come up again. What I felt wasn't merely a fear, which is what I have felt before for other things. This interview went into detail to describe something significant, which I observed in me, that is the fear of being in panic. What does this mean? This means that when I saw I was in fear or panicking, I started panicking even more. This explains why it felt overwhelming and never-ending, because I was literally feeding fear and it was growing inside of me. So why was I afraid, or what was I afraid of? That is what I would like to detail...

Today the point opened up for me that I had to accept the statement that I am 100% a newb, naive, or greenhorn when it came to a particular skillset. How I came to this point was interesting, as it started when we first being within reaction, and having to slowly, very slowly, deconstruct what I felt. The process itself of figuring out what I was going through resembled this statement of being a newb, or greenhorn. This can be seen in how when I started writing I had to first identify that I felt bad. From there I specified and specified, so from the general into the specific. I found clear memories where I felt the same way, which led me to identify that this had to do with being a newb at something. The point I reached to now, of having to accept the statement that I am completely a greenhorn, as a solution to my inner turmoil, came out naturally as I seeing how I was resisting and reacting to myself, within my circumstance. So yes I am a newb when it comes this particular field...

So I made a list of Personalities of mine. I wrote about 8 down. It was interesting seeing this list. For some personalities, I feel this energy along with it. For other personalities there was no energy and I could move freely within it. These personalities are things I do/act in the moment. In comparison to the energetic personalities, these "happen to me" and it is more about an experience of myself, than an actual doing. One personality that most can relate to, is how we feel and become, when we are first in a relationship. I call it my, "I AM IN a relationship" personality, because that is essentially the trigger. My voice tone changes, I get googly eyed. My head tilts, and I smile profusely. Its very obvious. And for me, as of now, it is still energetic, and it is something that is experienced based, and it just happens to me, versus an a doing/acting/living. For me, it seems obvious that the correct acting/doing/living when starting in a relationship,...

Getting my hair cut. So today I got my hair cut. I have had a pretty strong reaction towards haircuts, entering into a mini possession, of fear and anxiety. So today I faced this reaction and was able to calm myself down, and focus on what I could practically do in the moment. Part of the thoughts behind this anxiety is about getting a bad haircut, and also the point of no return, meaning when my hair is cut then it is cut, its too late. I have a particular childhood memory where I ended up crying after a haircut that I didn't want to have. So, this time, I looked at what I could do. I knew I couldn't really do much. I can only speak to my hair cut person, to let them know what I wanted. I didn't have control over them, and how they were going to act upon my information I am conveying to them. So there was an element of trust, and letting go of control. At the same time of course, I could check and see whether I liked the progress thus far, and of course completely stop ...

Feeling Energetic. What is it? When I feel energetic, as energy, I am motivated to go and do that which is triggering me to feel energetic. Energetic is me moving myself with energy, towards energy, for energy. It is encapsulated with the words, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!   And I FEEL SO GOOD!!!! I am an ENERGETIC PERSON!!!! A consequence of participating in this Personality, is tiredness, at least the perception, and manifestation thereof, which occurs through a process of accessing this personality regularly, and being the downside to the upside of the personality. Encapsulated within the phrase, what goes up, must come down. The questions I have, are: why must some things be reasons for me to feel energetic? Why am I not choosing who I want to be, and what I want to do, and how I want to be in the moment? Why am I placing such value on this experience I call feeling Energetic? Why am I not placing such value in who I am, in every moment? This personality has taken on new t...