Day 13 - Beginning of School Semeseter REVISITED

Hi blog readers,

so i wrote a post a little while back, here it is: Day 9 Beginning of School Semester and I was checking my starting point and so i looked at my blog writings for reference. I saw this blog and it seemed intuitively what i needed to do, to be practical with, "ok how i am going to live now while i am in school?" The self-forgiveness was spontaneous so i literally went sentence by sentence, word for word and see what needed forgiving. So here is what i did, enjoy. 

P.S. Make sure to read the self forgiveness statements. Also it may be fun to compare the old post and new post, just sayin.  

-Yogan

I feel great fear when I think of starting classes again. I don’t want to feel fear in starting classes again as this will lower my performance. The thought of being behind in a class causes anxiety within me. As the assignment for dip is an assignment for a class I feel anxiety when I think I won’t finish it. I feel like I just want to runaway as in go on my laptop and surf the web or watch television shows, even ones I have already saw and where I feel no real enjoyment in doing so. This reminds me of playing video games where I even sometimes felt no enjoyment or just frustration yet played it. I see I am afraid of school, of responsibility for myself within school and being a student. I feel like I have no control of my situation that I am doomed to being in school and studying things that may not directly assist me and so within that I believe I will partially waste my time which I have judged as precious. Within writing out these words it feels like I am writing a script, one that does not seem like the real me, just some words separate from me yet is me as my mind as my inner self. It is all prepared and known. I see my thoughts are lies yet true temporarily. My thoughts here, were activated when I started thinking of being in school again. Its kind of ridiculous because I changed only by thought where I was here previously not freaking out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear starting classes again

 I forgive myself to fear fear as fear would lower my performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being behind in a class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not finishing my dip assignment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to distract myself with television, video games, and Internet when I am afraid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a responsible student

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not have control of my situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear studying and working hard

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think school does not assist me and support me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can rewrite my script word for word, sentence by sentence, so that I can in fact have a script written by me of what to do and how to live within the context of school. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start fearing school as an outward reaction when I think of when I was in school previously.

( I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive accepting and allowing the reaction but forgive just the start of the reaction and to believe the reaction is outward and not inward)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction pattern where I am afraid of doing poorly due to being so afraid of performing poorly when I realize fear will debilitate me and diminish myself.

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reaction pattern as fucked up for I am accepting and allowing the reaction pattern, its not the pattern’s responsibility it is mine. )

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that fear will debilitate me and diminish me.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the fucked up reaction of running away when the going gets tough like when I am afraid of not finishing my dip assignment.

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call the reaction fucked up as I am the one who is accepting and allowing the reaction.)

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the going gets tough)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction of hiding within the Internet/television shows where I feel no enjoyment and playing video games where I feel no enjoyment and/or frustration.

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reaction as fucked up as what is really fucked up is to accept and allow this reaction, so it is the acceptance and allowance of the reaction that is fucked up not the reaction.)

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not enjoy myself on the internet, watching televisions shows, and playing video games. )

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions and thoughts within the context of school and being a student.

I realize that watching of old tv shows, and playing old video games, and surfing the web looking at old websites is where I am looking for comfort in what is familiar to me.

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define comfort in separation of myself in what I am familiar with. )

I realize that I am just looking for control in my reality when I runaway to videogames, television and the internet as I have total control there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control in separation of myself as videogames, television and the internet.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I have total control here as myself as the physical where I do have a degree of control as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear responsibility.

When and as I am afraid while I am faced with school I realize school is me so is not separate from me as will, commitment, dedication and self-direction. As I start to face classes I realize classes is also me and simply an extension of my self. I will accept and allow myself to have fun in school, and enjoy the physical as myself and all aspects and facets of and as the physical. I will face fear as myself and transmute it through a daily dedicated writing.

I commit myself to apply myself in classes and homework with will and self-dedication.

I commit myself to prepare and schedule my time/day to be on time for class and well prepared for each class.

I commit myself to have at least one hour day for writing, preferably in the evenings.

I commit myself to take care of my physical health by exercising 20 minutes each day and eating well.

I commit myself to have a time to enjoy myself each day by playing piano, or walking outside.

I commit myself to when faced with distress/emotions to make the physical my starting point as my honest point and see how I can support myself.