“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day 9 Beginning of the School Semester


I feel great fear when I think of starting classes again. I don’t want to feel fear in starting classes again as this will lower my performance. The thought of being behind in a class causes anxiety within me. As the assignment for dip is an assignment for a class I feel anxiety when I think I won’t finish it. I feel like I just want to runaway as in go on my laptop and surf the web or watch television shows, even ones I have already saw and where I feel no real enjoyment in doing so. This reminds me of playing video games where I even sometimes felt no enjoyment or just frustration yet played it. I see I am afraid of school, of responsibility for myself within school and being a student. I feel like I have no control of my situation that I am doomed to being in school and studying things that may not directly assist me and so within that I believe I will partially waste my time which I have judged as precious. Within writing out these words it feels like I am writing a script, one that does not seem like the real me, just some words separate from me yet is me as my mind as my inner self. It is all prepared and known. I see my thoughts are lies yet true temporarily. My thoughts here, were activated when I started thinking of being in school again. Its kind of ridiculous because I changed only by thought where I was here previously not freaking out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start fearing school as an outward reaction when I think of when I was in school previously.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction pattern where I am afraid of doing poorly due to being so afraid of performing poorly when I realize fear will debilitate me and diminish myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the fucked up reaction of running away when the going gets tough like when I am afraid of not finishing my dip assignment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction of hiding within the Internet/television shows where I feel no enjoyment and playing video games where I feel no enjoyment and/or frustration.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions and thoughts within the context of school and being a student.
I realize that watching of old tv shows, and playing old video games, and surfing the web looking at old websites is where I am looking for comfort in what is familiar to me.
I realize that I am just looking for control in my reality when I runaway to videogames, television and the internet as I have total control there.
When I am faced with school I will not allow myself to freak out but I will breathe and focus on myself here. As I start to face classes I will not allow myself to react with fear of doing poorly and fear of being trapped but I will breathe and focus on myself here. I will not allow myself to when faced with fear, runaway in the internet, video games, and television shows to look for something familiar where I feel like I have control.

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