Day 15 - My Last Relationship

         My last relationship started out well. There was intimacy and closeness. But this slowly went away. I felt frustrated. I wanted to make more intimacy and closeness that was experienced in the early part of the relationship. But I did not know how and I did not tell her what I was thinking because I was afraid I was the source of lack of intimacy. 

         I started making subtle suggestions/observations about my character in hopes my partner would share the same opinion of me. I even made my self-blame explicit by saying I am going to start acting differently from now on. I felt powerless within this as it felt like I was trying to push against air. I took the opportunity to blame myself for various instances by saying I could have expressed myself differently. I was not supporting myself through writing and when I did it was really to end the relationship out of fear. I had blamed myself for not being able to bring the relationship back to the initial stages. 

         At the time, I viewed the relationship from the starting point that the relationship was perfect; as the two people were perfect for one another… a good match. Though obviously my starting point completely ignores practicality that who the beings are in the moment and how they handle and face the shit that is in each one. I had wanted to not face the shit… I had avoided conflict. So I feared conflict, and I feared negative emotions. So I blamed myself for being scared, which is silly as I am already afraid, instead of seeing the practicality that I was not assisting and supporting myself effectively in the relationship, that no blame or guilt is required as it has to do with self. 

         I was afraid of taking responsibility for myself and wanted the relationship to take responsibility for me. I blamed myself that the relationship ended. I was afraid of taking responsibility for all the silent moments where I was thinking something about the relationship but never expressing it. I thought the relationship required more communication. I had mentioned this point to her several times but I never pushed to point, to make sure it was established, let alone test it. I was afraid of fighting with her, and losing and appearing weak to her. I wanted to be confident, strong and well-liked. I wanted sex, but I was afraid of telling her I wanted sex since I was afraid of not getting the sex since in my mind guys who just want sex are pigs. I was also then afraid of her thinking I was a pig and perhaps then lose one thing I enjoyed when with her. I enjoyed the comfort/love she gave me for being a stable point in my life and the thought of losing my stability as a feeling of comfort/love, scared me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for myself and taking care of me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blaming myself for the entirety of the relationship instead of taking responsibility for me as myself as a physical being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself that the relationship ended. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the relationship take responsibility for me. 

When and as I see myself feeling resistance while in a relationship, I stop and breathe – I realize I can assist myself to stop generating resistance as energy within me. I also realize fear as resistance is energy and so not a valid or supportive for me. I realize blame does not support me so to instead breathe and write out the point and make self-corrective statements along with self-forgiveness. 

I commit myself to when I see I am in fear to stop by bringing myself here and breathing as myself as the physical and then writing out the point I am resisting and correct myself to what is best for all. 

I commit myself to stop blaming myself for things as it obviously not supporting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the responsibility for another for themselves within the relationship. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as inept and incapable of properly being self-responsible and self-honest within a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as the image of a child, and so judge her as weak, incapable, and requiring protection. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the world for not being responsible as I am really trying not to see how I am not being responsible through blaming, which indicates blame is actually supportive as it indicates there is a part that self is not taking self-responsibility for.

When and as I see myself blame another while feeling anxiety, I stop and I breathe – I realize blame is showing me how I am not actually taking responsibility for self in this moment to do what is best for all practically, in this moment. I realize I can take practical actions and changes to support what is best for all rather than blaming and through supporting what is best for all I am supporting myself. 

I commit myself to utilize blame as an indicator for not taking responsibility and to then expand my responsibility to include this part of self.  

I commit myself to take each part of self and become responsible for each part eventually. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for all the silent moments where I was thinking something about the relationship but never expressing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of communicating self-honestly with another being as I fear being alone for having insulted this person. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of fighting with my partner and fear losing and also fear appearing weak to her. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling my partner I wanted sex because I was afraid of not having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having sex because I was afraid of appearing like a pig. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect pigs by using the word for pigs as an insult. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think guys who want sex are pigs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I called stability as a feeling of comfort/love that I connected to my partner acting motherly. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make the stable point of my life, life as myself. 

When and as I see myself afraid of communicating myself while with a partner being in agreement, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am here and I must assist and support myself here – I realize agreements/relationships are for support and if they are not for support then is supporting abuse, not cool -  I realize I must support myself within an agreement by being the stability of my life, since 1+1=2. I realize I must live communication with self before I can expect to live it with another.

I commit myself to communicate with me and be familiar with me before I attempt to communicate me with another.

I commit myself to be the point of stability in my life through taking care of me and being the support I require in daily life

The Breakup

A similar experience of fear and shock is when I recall my ex-partner having yelled at me for questioning her. I had been questioning why she wanted to end the relationship. I wanted to hear her reasons instead of bullshit things like the relationship just wore out, time was the culprit. Then I was able to get her to say the nasty things she thought about me. To which I immediately pointed out as not valid or really weird for anyone to think of another. She then screamed I DON’T KNOW. To which I felt shocked/afraid, like I did something wrong. I then apologized saying I don’t have experience with dealing with someone like this. She said yeah your not suppose to push a sad person. I then went into blame and guilt. I see this is a bullshit thing I did to myself, I should have stood up to her and tell her her rampage was unacceptable. Funny thing is I even asked her if she won’t say or did not know why. She said she did not know why. Now that I understand the degree of possessions, I know that it is extremely unlikely that someone who is possessed will HEAR anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up.

         For the entirety of the relationship I did not stand up. At the end of the relationship I tried to stand up but as I was wavering still fearing responsibility, I did not stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a memory of when I reacted in fear (inferiority) when my ex yelled at me for questioning her, as I am imagining she is yelling at me now, while I am sitting on her bed, and I react with fear and become choked, unable to speak and my stomach feels drained of all energy, and I physically live out this fear inside out and I become ineffective in this reality as I am not here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my world is ending when and as my partner relationship is ending. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my world is ending.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my world is ending to the emotional experience known as fear. 

When I see myself experiencing fear while my relationship is ending, I stop and I breathe – I realize I accept myself here, that I am here – I realize I need to stand – I realize I support myself and all life by standing for what is best for all.

I commit myself to place the realization ‘I need to stand’ into practice, so to speak.

I commit myself to when faced with conflict, to firstly stand then see how I can be of assistance and support to myself and others involved.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an ending relationship. 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to connect an ending relationship to fear itself, thus 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear. 

When and as I see myself fear losing/ ending a relationship – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can instead look at what caused the relationship to end and walk the points in order for me to face the responsibility toward such relationship ending.  I also see and realize that who I am is not defined by having a relationship, thus I support myself here to write out my experience to see where and how I can assist and support myself to face the points that lead to the relationship ending. 

I commit myself to write out my responsibility points to the ending of a relationship and be self-honest. 

I commit myself to breathe and remain here when a partner relationship ends. 

I commit myself to not allow any relationship as relationship will compromise myself, but rather to create agreements so that I can have a platform to stand as.