“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, April 18, 2015

When we are a Newb, Naive, Greenhorn, what happens? 261

Today the point opened up for me that I had to accept the statement that I am 100% a newb, naive, or greenhorn when it came to a particular skillset. How I came to this point was interesting, as it started when we first being within reaction, and having to slowly, very slowly, deconstruct what I felt. The process itself of figuring out what I was going through resembled this statement of being a newb, or greenhorn. This can be seen in how when I started writing I had to first identify that I felt bad. From there I specified and specified, so from the general into the specific. I found clear memories where I felt the same way, which led me to identify that this had to do with being a newb at something. The point I reached to now, of having to accept the statement that I am completely a greenhorn, as a solution to my inner turmoil, came out naturally as I seeing how I was resisting and reacting to myself, within my circumstance.

So yes I am a newb when it comes this particular field. And I say this with all honesty, because I really don't have like any effective skills. At best I have seen others apply the skills, and I have a physical body to apply the skills, at least potentially. And when I have tried these skills, I have failed each time, thus far. So yes I am a greenhorn, completely. Within accepting this statement, it has helped me to try again at this skillset, because before I had been reacting so badly, that I couldn't even think about this skillset without reacting heavily. It's like I didn't even want to look at it, at all. Though by reminding myself that I don't have the skills, then with that understanding I find I support myself. It's not like with other skills that I have which are more developed, and I can at least navigate and find some success. With these particular skills that I have very little experience with, there is not even a hint of success. And it's easy for me to react to this, that I am like in the dark stumbling, not even having a chance of finding my way out. But if I am honest that yes, this is my circumstance, finding that acceptance prevents me from reacting. Whereas before, I really couldn't stop reacting at all, and it felt I was going to keep reacting forever. This forever is analogous to how I felt about my current circumstance. So here is the honesty, one that I don't know the future, yet two everything changes and so even by stumbling in the dark, I will eventually, find my way. That is also kind of what I had to accept when I started writing out my experience, because it was so overwhelming, I had no idea where to start, so I literally started with what i had, which was "I felt bad." Lol, I next wrote "I felt very bad." And then I refined it further to "I felt guilty." And so on and so forth, until I developed more and more on what was going on inside of me.

I am already starting to notice a new way of looking at life, because before I noticed I have had an underlining tone of arrogance and annoyance, with people who are not performing well, and now that I am accepting that I am a newb at something, I am finding I am wishing to help and support people who are not performing well, because I am now embracing being a complete, newb, novice, naive or greenhorn as something to even be proud of. So I suggest that when you feel upset over not achieving certain results, to find the self-honesty within you that you are a newb, and to embrace that word wholeheartedly with a pride and honor of yourself, and then I bet you will find that you are quite glad to be where you are right now.

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