“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, April 20, 2015

PANIC!!! Feed your fears! 262

Panic Attacks - Introduction


 So I listened to the above linked interview and it has assisted me greatly. Over a week ago, I had an panic episode, which I can describe as overwhelming, seemingly never-ending, and panic being an accurate word for describing this experience. So this experience has stayed with me, and is still with me on some level inside myself, ready to come up again. What I felt wasn't merely a fear, which is what I have felt before for other things. This interview went into detail to describe something significant, which I observed in me, that is the fear of being in panic. What does this mean?

This means that when I saw I was in fear or panicking, I started panicking even more. This explains why it felt overwhelming and never-ending, because I was literally feeding fear and it was growing inside of me. So why was I afraid, or what was I afraid of? That is what I would like to detail in this blog, as well as apply written self-forgiveness on.

 1. Fear of being in fear/panic because then how I speak, and how others may hear me, will be that of panic/fear, and fearing that I could lose relationships, job opportunities, networking opportunities, clients, or receiving judgments/statements that I am a fearful person, and so being perceived as inferior/weak and so lessening or weakening the relationship or connection with other people through their perceptions of me.

2. Fear of panicking because of how fear/panic harms my physical body, because I can literally feel the energy, and feeling hyped up, and energetic, as if I could be running on adrenaline, and so I wasting and using my physical reserves, and so potentially harming my physical body, and over time, leading to a tiring/weakening, which could lead to consequences in job performance, in how I speak, act, leading to potential injury through lack of physical strength, as well as leading to diseases, illness, through a weakening of my body's immune system since so much of my physical energy went into feeling fearful and in panic, and including losing hair as well, and having bad breath, which could weaken my effectiveness in developing relations and connections with people.

3. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear losing control of my body, and making mistakes, when I am afraid and possessed by fear, and so also fear wasting my time through making mistakes which I can't learn lessons from because I was in fear, and so disoriented, distracted, and lacking control or awareness.

4. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear dying in fear, because I accepted and allowed myself to be in fear, which lead to me physically doing something or not doing something and so leading to my accidental death.

5. Fear of feeling afraid because I fear accidentally causing a consequence in someone else's life, where I did or did not do something because I was afraid, or in fear, and so had lack of control or awareness, and so I wasn't as effective as I could have been if I wasn't afraid or in fear.

Another dimension that this interview that assisted pointed out, is how this experience of fear/panic will layer in the body, and how it leads to me almost jumping out of my body, and so in a way being afraid of being in the body and thus here. So part of the solution, at least to me it appears, is to be here, embrace here and my physical body, which has assisted in me grounding myself. The energy currents are still here, which is why I am writing this blog so I can understand the energy and why it is here. The interview explained how small moments of fear was accumulated, which is something I can identify inside myself. It's time to end this. And so to begin to end, I must understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling afraid and becoming afraid because of the consequences that does arise with extended participation in fear, instead of realizing I should just stop my fear, not fear it any longer.

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of fear, and so panic, I stop and breathe- I realize that when fear, nervousness, or panic is here, I must simply immediately move myself to release and stop participating in the fear, as I know that participating in fear only needs to consequences that I wish to prevent.

I commit myself to immediately move myself when I am in fear, so that I participate in it at least as possible, and simply continue in my day.

One reaction to fear I have is to suppress it.
I distract myself with thoughts when I feel fear.
I feel twitchy, spasmy when I feel fear.
It feels painful to be aware of my body.
I feel afraid of other people see me being still and stabilizing myself.
When I stabilize myself the best I could, what is left is what I would call trepidation, because it is a slight movement, like a shaking or tremor, that moves back and forth slightly, which is the connotation of trepidation. It is centered in my solar plexus, but it resonates throughout my body, out into my arms, hands and finger tips. So its like a constant, slight shaking. I notice that a few times where I was "afraid" but strangely didn't experience it emotionally, yet it occurred that I was shaking slightly with my muscles. 
One way that I suppress is by getting angry and attacking.
I feel fearful of looking at my memories of trepidation.

1. Giving a presentation in front of science class
2. Receiving a call from my friend.
3. Calling a stranger
4. Presenting to a stranger
5. Speaking about my failures

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