“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Getting my hair cut 259

Getting my hair cut.
So today I got my hair cut. I have had a pretty strong reaction towards haircuts, entering into a mini possession, of fear and anxiety. So today I faced this reaction and was able to calm myself down, and focus on what I could practically do in the moment. Part of the thoughts behind this anxiety is about getting a bad haircut, and also the point of no return, meaning when my hair is cut then it is cut, its too late. I have a particular childhood memory where I ended up crying after a haircut that I didn't want to have.

So, this time, I looked at what I could do. I knew I couldn't really do much. I can only speak to my hair cut person, to let them know what I wanted. I didn't have control over them, and how they were going to act upon my information I am conveying to them. So there was an element of trust, and letting go of control. At the same time of course, I could check and see whether I liked the progress thus far, and of course completely stop the process if things got out of hand. So I reminded myself of this, and I then just focus on being physical, and seeing what I could do to help. I knew that being anxious and nervous can be contagious, and if I was sincerely enjoying the progress thus far that it is best that I show it to my barber. So I smiled slightly as I looked into his eyes to indicate that. I also had followed him as he cut the hair, trying to give him the best possible views of my head, by tilting my head appropriately, as well as keeping my head sturdy, so that I do not sway or move too much. So I was being as present as possible with him.

He asked me if I liked it, several times, and I did. So I smiled and said yeah. At the beginning of my haircut I remember sort of accepting that I didn't know how it was going to turn out, and I just had to go with it, and see, give it a chance, and if it wasn't "good" then that's just how it is, and I would have then a chance to check my reactions.

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