“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

A quest for humility part 3 Day157

Throughout today, I have been saying self-forgiveness aloud when I was within the mind and energy. I found that today there was primarily nervousness. I did many self-forgivenesses related to fearing something. I would do the self-forgiveness aloud on the fear, and after I would see a drop in the nervousness, focused on my solar plexus. Like I shared in my post from yesterday http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-quest-for-humility-part-2-day156.html, energy suppresses my being, so to become and allow my being as humility to express itself, requires that I stop the thoughts, fears, energy, you name it. That's really the only way.

While i was in the tub, taking a bath, I notice fear within me. Well, at first I only noticed some pressure within me, and I was curious as to why it was there. I was especially curious as to why I was thinking SO MUCH. Because thinking is tied to energy, you can't have one without the other, I took a moment and focused in on my solar plexus. I waited until I could identify what feeling or emotion I had. So I identified nervousness, which is a fear emotion isn't it? So I next identified what in my environment is triggering this emotion?

It took me a little while, but then I remember how I was moving my hand in the water of the tub, and then it hit me. Its the water! So imaginations came up (which were stored like memories, instant and immediate retrieval) of drowning, of being stung by a jellyfish, of being eaten by a shark, of being lost at sea, of being in the water in the dark. So I did self-forgiveness aloud for fearing each fear. I notice the effects immediately on myself. The energy lessened, and I just kept breathing, stabilizing myself within my physical body and stopping participation in the energy and thinking, allowing my being to step further into the physical.

So my day consisted of several moments like the one above. And I followed the basic structure above. Noticing mind activity, identifying the emotion and feeling, identifying the trigger, applying self-forgiveness, breathing, and stabilizing myself, allowing me as my being to step through into the physical more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in the water in the dark.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being stung by a jellyfish in the water.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being eaten by a shark.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear drowning in the water.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being humble enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being humble.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear presenting myself as not being humble, and as an ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being perfect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having anything to say.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to move.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the dark or unknown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change and new possibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a new life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear.

When and as I see myself within and as fear, as my mind, reacting to fears within me, triggered by my environment, I stop and I breathe - I realize that, as someone I know said, fear is stupid! - I realize that it is strange I have memories of imaginations of me dieing in various ways, which I feel nervous or fearful when just the an association is present in my environment that triggers those memories - I realize that my mind is built like a machine, but I don't wish to any longer live according to the mind, for that reason - I realize that fear is one example for me as how things in the mind happen so quick and so outside of my awareness -

I commit myself to push on with self-forgiveness of my fears, as they are triggered by my environment, until there are no more fears and the energy subsides.


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