Victim/Sadness Characters, also featuring the Paranoid/Fearful Character and Self-Conceited/Reward-seeking Character. Day 163

FYI Cusi is a cat, and you will need to read through the entire document till the end. Enjoy! -yogan

Sadness/Victim Character

Cusi bitting my wrist.

Say aloud “oh no, what did I do?” or “what’s the matter cusi?” or “what is wrong?”

I feel sad.

My neck drops a bit, I stare off into the distance, I am “still” “not moving” and too weak to really move. I just focus in on my sadness and I stay there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drop my neck.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be still, not moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too weak to really move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just stay there within my sadness, with my focus and attention on my sadness, which is situated within my solar plexus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “oh, no what did I do?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “what’s the matter cusi?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “what is wrong?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Cusi biting my wrist.

Im thinking I am doing something wrong to cusi, I hurt cusi. I did not treat cusi well. I scared cusi away. I did not treat cusi right. I damaged cusi. I destroyed cusi. I destroyed our relationship. He hates me. I am a bad friend. I am a bad person. Cusi will never forgive me. I wronged him. I am at fault. I need to ask for forgiveness. I need to make it up to cusi. I need to find a way to make things better. What can I do to make things better? How can I help cusi. What can I do differently, next time?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am doing something wrong to cusi

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , I hurt cusi

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I did not treat cusi

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I scared cusi away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I did not treat cusi right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I damaged cusi

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I destroyed cusi.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I destroyed our relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think he hates me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think Cusi will never forgive me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think . I wronged him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am at fault.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to ask for forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to make it up to cusi.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to find a way to make things better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what can I do to make things better?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think how can I help cusi.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what can I do differently, next time?

This reminds me of how I reacted to how specific friends I had who reacted negatively towards me, similar to how cusi bit my wrist, but appropriate for human interactions. I have this fear of friends reacting negatively to me and thus leaving me. I therefore fear losing friends. I fear doing something that will drive friends away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear driving friends away.

I forgive myself ffor accepting and allowing myself to fear friends reacting negatively to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends, especially because of something I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause, reason, or excuse as to why a person, whom I considered a friend, chooses to not seek my company.

So the fear of loss leads to sadness, when what I fear losing, “occurs.”

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of losing a relationship or friendship with a person, animal or thing, and I feel sad after experiencing an event which I interpret in my mind as meaning my fear of losing them/it has been realized – I stop and I breathe – I realize that relationships and friendships don’t define me – I realize that I define myself through what goes on within me – I realize that possession or ownership is often the case not permanent, as well as serves as an abstract concept or idea, because I can’t really “own” something or “have something” eternally, really, and the closest I can get is to be in the presence of something with that something’s permission – from this I realize I am always a guest wherever I go, and with whomever I am with, and each thing gives its permission for me to be in its presence, or not – I realize the only thing I hold responsibility for is myself – I realize I cannot own a relationship or friendship, and I can never lose a relationship or friends, as it wasn’t Mine, to begin with – I realize practically I may do things that may incur a response from a person to make a decision to not have their presence near my being, which is fine, acceptable and ok, as my responsibility is over myself, not over them and their decision – I realize I also don’t have a say as to deny my presence to be spent with another person if they wish to spend time with me, on an absolute realm, though practically I may need to schedule time, because I can only be in one place in any single moment – I realize that as my mind I assume too much from small tiny events, like with Cusi, I assumed that him biting me led to my sadness in a quantum moment, because of my patterns of thinking and I do this in many situations where I react to such small events as a person expressing an emotion of frustration or anger, and I make it as if now they wish to spend no more time with me ever again, forever.

I commit myself to never deny a person who wishes to spend time in my presence, and to be practical by, if necessary, schedule times to meet.

I commit myself to remove all concepts of control or ownership over anything in this world, and be humble by restricting my responsibility to just Me.

I commit myself to be humble when approaching a person, and ask them whether I can spend time in their presence.

I commit myself to stop trying to control, maintain, and keep relationships, and instead simply express me, from the starting point of doing things for me, and so by doing so, I allow others to do the same, and be free from this eternal servitude of my own fear of loss of relationships and friendships leading to repetitive actions that I believe, made as if real, maintain or keep a relationship, which is done in fear.

I commit myself to respect another person’s decision to not have their being spent time in my presence.

I commit myself to not be over-presumptuous and assume that because someone wishes to leave my vicinity, or immediate area, to assume that they are trying to get away from me forever or that they left because of me, because maybe they wanted to explore something else, or they had a specific reaction towards me, and left so that they could deal with it, or any number of other possible scenarios.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the worst possible case scenario, and thus make it as real in my mind, and perception, through reactions, and taking on as characters that live this, such as the Victim/sadness character.

This reminds me of this guy I watched in this movie. He lived in a bunker and was playing the crazy old conspiracy theorist guy who was preparing for the end of the world, and thus for the worst case scenarios in general. I observed how he lived a debilitated and restricted life, with no contact with real people. He lived in solitude. He was paranoid, which meant he got scared easily by strangers, and scared towards his own thoughts of government agencies looking for him. I can relate to that, in terms of how I feel now. I feel fearful, of not having control, of someone looking for me, wishing to do something to me. I fear the consequences for what I have done to people. I fear doing things by accident that can cause negative outcomes. I fear endangering my own safety. I fear bad things happening to me. I fear being robbed in the streets. I fear being robbed at gun point. I fear

Paranoid/ Fearful character

I fear bad things happening to me, which I can’t control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear bad things happening to me, which I can’t control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control over bad things that might happen to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone looking for me wishing to harm me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear government agencies or groups or organizations looking for me to harm me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear some great evil super villain killing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something to someone which causes them to get so angry that they come to kill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being killed from behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being killed while I am relaxed and distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making someone mad, because they might come kill me later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt in the street, walking alone at night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being robbed at gun point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving an STD from having sex with a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being arrested by the cops.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a person thinking I am dangerous and calling the cops on me, because they might decide to arrest me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a hurricane that comes to destroy Miami, and that my family and I need to escape by a boat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an end of the world scenario where I have to escape Miami with my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a Tyranasauras rex that comes to our house and tries to eat us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Chuckie from the horror movie, because its something small that can move fast, and pretend to be just a doll, when it is actually alive and can kill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear horror movie monsters that try to kill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my fear by imagining a saving scenario that saves and fights the feared scenario, like a superhero, or a magic circumstance that changes things, or I act like a hero, instead of stopping the actual imagined fear.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself being a hero that fights against the thing I fear that could kill me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine something else coming to save me and act as a hero, to fight the fear I have of that thing that I fear will kill me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine closing my eyes, and hiding from that thing I fear will come and kill me, as if hoping it will go away like waking up from a bad dream.

When and as I am fearful of dying or being killed or harmed by something which I fear of doing this to me – I stop and I breathe- I realize that my fear is killing me, and my ability to live, and even my ability to foresee real probable scenarios that would be undesirable for my life- I realize that having a fear and feeling fearful of something killing me, causes me to freeze, or prompts me to fight back violently, which is both cases not something beneficial, as the best thing is to prevent undesirable circumstances – I realize that most of my fears are delusional and likely never to happen, regarding making someone angry enough to kill me, or monsters, or end of the world scenarios – I realize that most of my fears are irrational – I realize that  fear sucks, I hate living in fear – I realize that I am like that old guy I referenced from that movie I watched, who is paranoid, who is isolated, and spends all his time thinking about things that could happen to him, and takes actions as an attempt to combat them, even though they are really unique situations that are very unlikely to happen and he would also have very little control anyway – I realize that these fears I wrote out are tied to situations or circumstances where I have very little control, and thus I am a victim, who must plead or run away for his life –

I commit myself to remove fear eventually through continuous writing, investigation and commitments.

I commit myself to stop and analyze the situation when something “dangerous” is present.

I commit myself to take responsibility again as an individual who is responsible for himself.

I experience my body/self as the following: heart races, I feel distracted and have trouble concentrating on one thing. My attention is divided on things I am not aware of, or towards danger. I feel like running and fear I am not running fast enough, or I feel very still, slow, and having trouble moving myself, and arms, and legs. So I have a loss of muscle coordination. I feel like I am moving slow, or that time is moving slow, when I am aware that I am actually missing out on much on what is happening, and literally have less control through being less aware of the moment.

I am going to die. I won’t live. I don’t have a chance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am going to die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I won’t live.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have a chance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my heart race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel distracted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trouble concentrating on one thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my attention be divided to things I am not aware of, or towards danger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like running.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I am running fast enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel very still, slow, and having trouble to move myself, my arms, and legs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a loss in muscle coordination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like time is moving slow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am moving slow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on what is actually happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less aware of moment and thus have less control over myself and the moment.

When and as I see myself feeling fearful, with my heart racing, etc… I stop and I breathe – I realize I need to really, actually, bring myself here, and increase my presence, and awareness, and being of being here, which I do by focusing on what is physical present, and focusing on my physical body, and my awareness of my senses, and physical positioning of my body in space, in this moment, which includes breathing which is notoriously useful in slowing down my heart and bringing back control over my muscles and body, to more exact precision and movement – I realize I need to take control back, over me, over myself, and my body, my muscles, and bones, my blood, organs, etc… - I realize that this fear is a possessive state, that possess me, my muscles, my ENTIRE body, and moves according to a quantum decision made in the fear part of me – I realize the only way to stop fear, to stop these possessions, is by asserting myself, and stopping! And bringing back me to the physical seat _ I realize that fear is like the mind’s or mine, emergency back up system in case of danger posed to my physical body which is my vehicle- I realize how this emergency back up system, known as fear, is not ideally placed, because it includes irrational fear, as well, it is not effective because it is not focused, and is more distracted, it focuses only on fighting or running away, or standing still, like hiding, which the decision making process of which one to do, appears completely random, and not based on what is actually occurring, e.g. standing when you should be running, or running when you should be acting to help another, or make a better move that was not noticeable or considered as an option previously.

I commit myself to breathe, be here in each moment of breath, and when I see I am not here, as my body, as my arms, legs, and rest of my body, breathing, I start being here again, shift from the mind, into the physical body.

Physically smiling, possession of smiling. Possession of giggling laughing, feeling happiness and joy in my center region, Thinking I am so glad, happy, grateful. I was thinking about how someone was congratulating me on a job well done I felt happy because I was making a difference in someone else’s life.

 Self-conceited/Reward-seeking Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy because I believe, thought or perceived I was making a difference in someone else’s life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about someone congratulating me on a job well done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am so glad happy and grateful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by giggling, laughing, and feeling happiness and joy in my centered regions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be physically possessed by smiling.

When and as I see myself feeling happy, thinking about being congratulated for being helpful, and physical possessed as smiling, laughing or giggling – I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is self-dishonest to help someone for the purpose of feeling happy, good, or physically smiling, laughing or giggling, because if that is acceptable then it is also acceptable to harm someone for the same desired experiences, which would be unacceptable – I realize that it is only self-honest to help someone, from the starting point of me, of who I am or who I am trying to be or who I decided I would like to be and so live, and so doing so would be doing it FOR ME – I realize I need to live for me, for my well being, and I wish everyone else would do the same – I realize to live for praise is to live for a lesser life, or potential of living, that I am capable of, and I require to push to live for myself, for the actual reasons I find important, not the ideas or beliefs I have about what would make me happy, but rather what is actually, in actuality what is best for me, and with that I can die happy.

I commit myself to live for me, not for congratulations or applause.

I commit myself to live for me, not for attention or recognition.

I commit myself to live for me, what is best for me, what actually serves me in living the absolute best life, one that I wish for every single person to strive to achieve for their self.

I commit myself to make sure that every single action and movement I take is made within the starting point of what is best for me.

I made a mistake in typing a webpage URL. I closed my eyes, leaned forward and thought very adamantly, as if it were the truth and I was admitting it to myself, reluctantly: Yogan you don’t know what you are doing. My eyes were tight shut, squeezing. I felt sad or pity for myself.

I did it again, but this time I placed my left hand, open palmed, over my forehead region, as if saying, oh shoot I made a mistake, like in a cartoon or tv show. And I had thought the same, Yogan you don’t know what you are doing.

Sad/Victim character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to myself, “Yogan, you don’t know what you are doing”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shut my eyes, tight, lean my head forward and down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad or pity for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I am confused, or make a mistake or do something incorrectly, or don’t know the correct thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I don’t know something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself over how much I know or don’t know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself in respect to knowledge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I don’t know something and it affects my grade in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving anything less than A in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other things, outside of myself, for why I get grades that are lower than an A, out of fear or within fear, of being the one responsible for the grade I received that was less than an A.

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of not knowing something, and so think/react as a victim character, “Yogan, you don’t know what you are doing” as an attempt to not take responsibility for myself because I am attempting to claim, “I didn’t know,” which is meant to excuse the responsibility for what I just did as a mistake, or incorrect movement, behavior, or action, that I had just done – I stop and I breathe- I realize that I am always responsible for myself, even when I make a mistake, or incorrect movement, behavior or decision, and even when I didn’t know, or did know that it was incorrect – I realize I always will be responsible for myself, and that I have always been the one that is responsible for myself – I realize that playing the victim and blaming something else for something I did, weakens me, and makes my situation worse, because now that I have stated something else is responsible for what I did, I will begin to live that statement in my life in totality, with everything I do, and all interactions- I realize there are no such things as victims, just people, like me, who harm themselves, or if they choose, help themselves- victimizing myself, and not taking responsibility for myself, and giving excuses for what I did, doesn’t help me, it harms me.

I commit myself to stop all blaming and excuses regarding what I do, or have done, or did in the past, as well as creating future excuses for what I will do.

I commit myself to always take responsibility for my actions, through my spoken words, how I speak, what I say, within explaining why I did something, or had done something, and so within sharing why, I am stating I am responsible, thoroughly and completely, and thus owning myself, my actions, and miss-takes, and every behavior I engage within.