My Value System - day153

I wrote this today. I was facing my Value system, enjoy. Also, I am not done with this yet.

Value System

Memory of comparing myself to the other kids in the class. Who is the smart one? I want to be the smart one. But I also did not want to be the nerdy one. I valued getting good grades, being the one who get good grades, like Emma, this girl in elementary school who would get straight A’s. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be valuable.

Judging and comparing others as valuable and not valuable.

Feeling negative to be with, associate with the non-valuable kids. Feeling negative to associate with myself if I am non-valuable.

I am a person, one and equal to anyone else. This value is a lie. This is something I have created placed on top of life, of me and others. Life is the lungs, breath, hands, feet. Not the mind. Not judgments, thoughts and opinion. These are my creations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to Emma, my elementary school student peer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as not valuable as Emma, because I did worse than her in receiving good grades, defined as receives more A’s than B’s, C’s etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself, if I receive A’s and better grades than the other kids in my classroom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the smart kid, who studies well, does well on tests, is quiet and well-behaved, does his homework, and receives A’s.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only value myself if I did better than other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue myself if I do worse than other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare and contrast myself to other anyone!

When and as I see myself feeling good or bad because I have valued myself based on comparisons to another person or people- I stop and I breathe- I realize that I am one and equal to everyone in value as life- I realize I am not more important or more special than anyone- I realize I am not less important or less special than anyone- I realize I am not defined by the people around me, I am defining myself in each moment- I realize I am not defined by my report card, or the other students’ report card- I realize together, as a group, we are unstoppable.

I commit myself to do my best at what I commit to do, whether to take classes, or engage in a business, whatever I do or participate in, I will do my best, for me, and because of what that activity directly provides to me or to others.

I commit myself to assist and support others in the things I do daily, my commitments and activities, as the people I associate myself assist and support me as well.

When I see someone doing really well, I feel bad, I think why can’t do that well? What am I doing wrong? I can’t do this! And I feel tired and burdened. I enter into a daze or stupor staring in front of me, petrified, by what I have to do or committed to do as part of my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another person and how well they do, compared to how I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think why can’t I do that well?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what am I doing wrong?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can’t do this!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tired and burdened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stare in front of me, not moving, petrified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze after I have started comparing my performance to another’s performance, instead of learning from them, imitating, them, asking them questions how did they do so well, so that I can do well too.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assist and support myself to be the best I can be in everything I do, by utilizing those who have learned already on how to do those things, and have things they can share with me so I can get better, and eventually master that area and field.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize the practicality of asking questions to find out new information and learn more so that I can assist and support myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize compare and contrast practically for my development and growth in every field I am in.

When and as I see myself comparing and contrasting how well I did to another person’s own performance- I stop and breathe- I realize that feeling emotional and reacting to seeing differences and similarities between people’s performance, or in any general thing, is silly, and counterproductive to my goal of assisting and supporting myself and others, and becoming the best we can be.

I commit myself to use differences and similarities that I observe to better my life and the lives of others, such as in growing my business and becoming a business man.

I commit myself to embrace what people share, and learn as much from other people as I can.

I fear making mistakes, I fear being bad or not good enough in her eyes. I am reminding me of my mom. I ‘ve had a suspicion of relating my relationships to female teachers to my mom. Mr’s Hardy. I trusted my teacher moms. I listened to them dutifully. I did exactly as they said. I achieved success, for the most part. I want to be led. I want a leader to follow. I want someone to tell me what to do, and how to do it. I want to be, essentially, a slave, or a dog that receives orders. I don’t want to be independent, I want to be dependent. Because then I KNOW I am doing good or right, and I feel good not bad. But why do I feel bad? I mean I didn’t start out this way. If I didn’t feel good following, “what I was supposed to do” then I wouldn’t feel bad, right?  What’s the point of wanting to follow orders so I can feel good, if I feel bad when I don’t? Isn’t it better to let go of the whole thing? Let go of the expectation, want and desire to be led, the value system of feeling good and bad? And explore who I am outside of that?

 It’s difficulty for me to see a life beyond this, beyond feeling good and bad, through being led, and having orders. I have to start with something and push, push, push, until it comes through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to listen to orders because I believe that through following orders I will feel better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not following orders because I believe I will feel bad and guilty if I don’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my teachers and parents, to know what is best for me, because if that were true then they would know what is best for themselves, which they don’t which is obvious in how they live their lives, and their sense of completion, and accomplishment in how they live their lives, and how fearful they are, just like me of stepping out of line with orders.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the past, and what has always been done, tradition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping outside of where I have always existed for as long as I can remember.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to only what I can remember, instead of including all of the experiences, sights and understandings I have not yet attained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have irrational fear that is irrational!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not root myself here, in my body, in my immediate surroundings, for that is where I exist always, I exist here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen to me if I live here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing indepenence, to fear losing the ability to express, to fear losing the ability to think, to fear losing the ability to breathe- to fear dying – to fear being something different, something new I haven’t planned for or seen with my own eyes yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear injury, pain and death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear injury, pain and death, because these are all things that are part of living! These are unavoidably and present all around us, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear harming others, weakening others, causing negative things to happen to others, influencing, controlling, mamipulating, the lives of others to a negative outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear negativity as the things which are defined as negative, the devil, death, rape, disease, war, murder, are things that can be worked on, influenced and manipulated to no longer exist, and so requires my full attention and focus, and require my dedication and application to influence and change the environment and people to prevent and thus end these real things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize the word negative and negativity, practically, for the identification of things, which can be prevented, and so support the things that are best for everyone.

Can I identify what is best for everyone, without dealing with the negative things? No!!!!!!! So words can always serve practicality, and how I feel about that won’t ever change that. Word are like numbers, are there any bad numbers? NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can a symbol be bad? It doesn’t make sense!

Can people be bad? NOOOOO. Because we are like symbols right? And our definitions can change. Can what change, necessarily be some a certain way forever? No! its in the definition. No one was born evil, and evil changes, so nothing is REALLY bad.  There are bad actions, done by people, sure, but those actions can be different. So let’s utilize good and bad practically, and so positivity and negativity, as what supports everyone and what doesn’t. Labeling or judging things as good or bad, just for the sake of judging or labeling is pointless, because it only serves energy, and inaction or harmful action. Labeling and judging for the purpose of labeling and judging is pointless! Labeling and judging for the purpose of identifying what needs to change, is practical! Anything regarding changing into what’s best for everyone is practical and best for everyone!!!! Change is always practical! And what is best for everyone is always what is best for everyone. Things are real. You and I am a thing. As things we have certain properties that can be studied and understood. Humans are adaptable, they change according to their environment.

When and as I see myself changing in a way that is not best for me, such as using words charged with energy for the purpose of generating more energy, instead of for the purpose of assisting and supporting me and others to change into what is best for everyone- I stop and I breathe- I realize that the words taught to us by teachers and parents were never from the starting point of considering what is best for everyone, it was instead always just what is best for my family, or my son, or my students, or for me – I realize I need to rechange, reshape, and reutilize my words in such a way that it is from this starting point of considering what would be best for everyone- I realize that every word is like everyone, its definition was chosen and agreed upon and therefore the definition for a specific word, just like a specific person, can change into a new definition – I realize that I have a responsibility now, from having realized the potential for change for every word and every person, that we change together to be the best for ourselves, to be the best for everyone, as that is what it means to be the best, and live the best life, as everyone’s life is best and surrounded by what is best – I realize I can’t except anything less than the best from myself, which the best from me will always only be what is best for everyone, as what can be better than living in a way that is aligned with creating an environment or set of circumstance that is best for each thing or person in that place – I realize that all my words, ideas and beliefs, need to pass through this point of considering what is best for everyone, as that is how I am cleansed as my being, as Yogan, as who I am, so that I do in fact live and apply what is best for everyone -  

I commit myself to push through the eye of the needle as this singular point, what is best for everyone, so that every I am becomes what is best for everyone, from what I consider, to my beliefs, movements, thoughts, everything, so there is not a shred, or piece of me that has not undergone this cleansing process, this purification, of being, becoming, doing what is best for everyone.

I commit myself to undergo a purification process of taking words in the English language and seeing and what I way I have defined them, and realign my definition for these words to what is best for all.