“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day-35: Behaviorist Character

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Mwuhahaha
Looking over my behavior this past months, I see I have been correcting my behavior to be what is best for all, through my memories and beliefs that were existent within me. I was not here in real-time, I was essentially a memory. So I patterned and placed my behaviors as programs to be lived. I justified behaviors based on certain reasons that came up within the moment. Since I was not here, I was simply an outflow of my thoughts on what I should do, instead of equalizing myself here as the physical and start from a one and equal starting point with existence and this physical body. I recall words that would pop in my mind as I wrote as if memories of what I have decided was good to say. I have in my history before Desteni been collecting thoughts, and points of knowledge and beautiful and wise sayings or points to tell people. I would then speak them out of memory. I did not start from a one and equal starting point to investigate the messages but trusted them for various reason, one being self-interest. I enjoyed the highs of speaking messages and speaking and living as a memory of beautiful and wise things. I was on autopilot and not participating in reality, though obviously creating consequence through not participating in a reality where I do have an affect on this reality. I see how behavior, as studied in Behavioral psychology, as how we humans have come to see, live and define behavior, as a memory as a patterned way of acting/reacting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live, see and define behavior as a memory as a pattern way of acting/reacting and not a one and equal starting point as the physical body that can be self-directed as self to step out of a pattern and to become part of a new pattern one that supports what is best for all one and equal.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility through self-forgiveness for the preprogrammed behaviors I have accepted and allowed as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live here one and equal as the physical in breath and live a pattern as a living pattern based on a living decision to apply and live a pattern that assist and supports what is best for all one and equal.
~Behaviorist Character
Fear Dimension: fear experiencing fear, fear thoughts, fear emotions, fear losing feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear and so isolate myself and prevent myself from being self honest through hiding myself from seeing the truth of me as what I am participating in through my acceptance and allowance of thoughts, emotions and feelings, and characters.
I commit myself to breathe and be here when I am fearing myself, and fearing seeing the darkness inside me to assist and support myself to then take responsibility for this darkness as who I am through forgiveness and corrective application.

Thought Dimension: Me sitting in front of a professor who critiques my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adjust and change myself according to how professors critique where I correct and change myself out of fears and so I place myself in a position where I avoid fears and simply follow a professor word for word, agreeing to everything and so confirming everything that the professor tells me without awareness of what really is said or agreed to.
I commit myself to breathe when I am receiving critique from the professor and I am seeing myself as inferior and inadequate where I completely submit and allow myself to change my behavior and so disregard myself, so to fit according to what academia suggest I do.
I commit myself to apply myself one and equal here as the physical to make the changes to who I am according to equality with this existence as a living expression I am in the process of becoming.

Imagination Dimension: I am a great scholar, I am on a podium as if I have won a contest, and I look happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a great scholar in my mind and so miss who I really am, and what I am accepting and allowing through this participation in imagination where all I am doing is generation a reaction and energy is sucking away my physical and I further support my separation from the physical through this desired hope/future projection of a great scholar.
I commit myself to breathe and be here equalizing with the physical and become the changes as who I am aligning according to oneness and equality with this physical existence.

Backchat Dimension: I can manipulate my behavior to be what is best for all. I don’t have to face thoughts emotions and feelings, I can just manipulate the behavior, in that way it looks like I have stopped thoughts, emotions and feelings. I can control myself through behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide from myself through staying on just the surface of things as my behavior and so accept and allow backchat that support my desires/fears of having thoughts and not having thoughts, creating further separation from the physical.
I commit myself to breathe here and take responsibility for my acceptance and allowance of separation from the physical through backchat.

Reaction Dimension: I feel happy +  I feel afraid  -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am through participating in reactions I am sucking my physical dry through the process of taking physical resource and transforming it into energy thus supporting the destruction of this physical and also supporting a future possession through energy.
I commit myself to breathe and take responsibility for the reactions I have accepted and allowed within and as physical as me, and so stop.

Physical Dimension: Back pain, Heavy back, headache, lazy eyes, strained breath, hanging onto my body and desk. Zombie like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through participating within the Behaviorist character have accepted and allowed myself to slouch my back, hang on top of myself as my bones and structure where my body is barely holding up, and my eyes are heavy and my breath is strained, and I move like a real zombie.
I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back to the physical here and direct me within and as the physical to be and live what is best for all.

Consequence Dimension: I do not change, I lose awareness of what is here, within and without, I see things superficially, my behavior masks who I am inside, I react behaviorally to a situation. I suppress thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through the Behaviorist character have attempted to change me only superficially through behavior and so avoided changing me as who I really am within and without, and only creating further suppression of what I am accepting and allowing within and as me.
I commit myself to change myself through and through and leave no stone left unturned where I slow myself down in breathe to really in detail investigate who I am in writing it down for me to see, and so to then correct me and so align myself within and as oneness and equality as this physical existence and so support what is best for all one and equal.

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