Day 834 This Nightmare

 Emotion- Fear

Thoughts- on giving up, I am incapable, I can't do this

Trigger- thoughts on other people 

Its a construct of being unable to handle this world and people. Of handling, managing, directing other people as too much, as out of my hands, as something scary. 

Desire - I desire to have a peaceful life with others, where we are a group of people, like a family, but one that is nice and supportive, and everything is done in good will.

The word Family is specific, because it is also used to describe how actual families are, which is dysfunctional, which is full of people who are aggressive, nasty, playing manipulating games, having fun at one of anothers misery, etc...

A desire is not compatible with reality. Reality is that people are what they are. And everlasting peace and kindness is not the reality. Ergo, to exist in this world well, I do need to be able to direct, manage and respond to people who are dysfunctional, which means liars, deceivers, manipulators, abusers, etc... 

So do I choose then to exist in this world?

Yes I do. My desire for family and peace was one I had since my childhood. It is that vision that brought me so far, the hope of obtaining that for myself selfishly, and hoping I can cajole others with the same vision to join me. 

So I need to reinvent myself right now. Who I am and why do I do what I do? 

The selfish reason- Because I know it would make a difference in the lives of others in the long run, and that brings me some happiness.

The selfless reason- Because I know others are suffering tremendously, and I can imagine their pain must be great, though I can't feel it or pretend to know how it feels. 

I am one person, one man, with one body. I am equal to any other man. I have the same responsibility as any other. That's all, I am not special, I am not super. But I do have the same responsibility nonetheless: to help end this nightmare.