Day 746 When Life gives you Lemons
One of the things that perplexes me of human behavior is when two people are kind to each other, are happy with each other, and enjoy each others company and then all of the sudden, BAM, it ends.
But its not always the simple, though: it ends? What happened? So who I have always been is someone that never went into pushing people away. I know never is a strong word here. But with every person who did BAM, decided that they weren't my friend anymore, I always accepted/respected their decision, but at the same time just couldn't believe it. Meaning, I would ask myself: then was everything they said and did a lie? Did they not really been happy? Were they not seriously kind? Who were they within all the times we had together? Were they just fake/kidding?
I mean that's only natural to wonder that. Especially when I was here not wanting to push them away or end things. Yet here they are doing it. Who were they really? How can any of this make any sense? I mean the kind of person and the state of themselves, and their mind to be able to do that: is not something I can understand. I haven't done it.
Here I'm left wondering do all people do it? What person that I know will do it next? I mean it seems unpredictable, how can I know? Its just going to sneak up again and sucker punch me. Or is it just some people that do that? What can I do?
It does cause me to feel like a lost of faith in all people, as well as traumatized in not knowing what next person will do that. Are all people like this? How can I know?
This causes me to feel tired of all people and all relationships.
I'm too good for this world, because I am ready. I am ready to be able to talk through anything with a person, to speak on the same level as an equal, and do heart to heart. To have no secrets. To keep nothing secret. No anger, no hate, no resentment, no judgment, none of it. At least not holding onto it, and defining the person with it. I believe people, I believe what they say, I believe they are honest, I trust it, until they prove me wrong. I give people the benefit of the doubt, always. Until the physical reality proves otherwise, but I keep giving people chances at least within reason. And I forgive.
I suppose the biggest shock for me, is the shock of it all, the surprise of it. I never would have guessed that a person would do a 180 degree turn. And its that shock that gets me. How can I see them now? Maybe I choose to see them as two persons, split. Maybe I see them as deeply troubled/possessed. Do I see them as being possessed all this time? I don't want to. And what do I really know with what goes on within them? Its just a mystery. I can't say to know.
I do want to believe that there are parts of them that are good, real, and sincere. I just can't relate to cutting someone off or changing how you feel about someone or how you interact with them. That's not who I am. I guess I'm too good.
If there's one thing I want to forgive is the shock of this one person changing. If there was one thing I would want to have power over, it would be to be able to show this person what they are doing, but also the correction of always pushing for the best in all relationships, and always treating others as how you would want to be treated.
The one thing I want to forgive is to think all people are like this or fearing this happening again. I want to get back to who I am: someone who always sees the hope/potential for any relationship with any person. That each moment is a brand new moment. And each person has great potential. That there are wonderful surprises in stored in the most unlikely places, and there is always something more to learn and push deeper in all of our relationships. So to look forward with earnest, and without this despair.
To keep seeing the hope/potential in creating the new, and putting my best foot forward always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despair because one person who completely changed in a moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that I have only experienced a person completely changing in a moment at a handful of times in my life, so its rare.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when a person changes so radically in a moment that it indicates a reaction, and for it to happen at such an extreme, it must indicate that it had been building up for a while, since energy takes time to build.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I should have been able to see/perceive other people's reactions, when with this person there was no way for me to know their mind and what they were reacting to within themselves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a person's reaction that was building over time, personally, to think I was responsible in anyway for it, and that I could have prevented it or seen it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start fearing that this person is a reflection of all people, and so fear people suddenly reaction/changing unpredictably in my life all over again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose faith, hope, and sight of the potential for any person or any relationship with any person, to be able to talk with them and share with them and learn from them, and really connect and communicate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of the importance of communication with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of the importance of connection with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of the necessity and requirement that in order to walk oneness and equality that means developing relationships with people and connecting deeply with people, and learning from it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of it being a necessity that we develop and explore relationships with people, as part of this process to Life as all as one and equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start believing/thinking that I have to walk this process alone, and its supposed to be walk alone and isolated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel despair when thinking about how maybe I have to walk alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that maybe the other person is right, that they should walk alone and be isolated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it would be better if I walk alone and isolated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this desteni/life process is meant to be walked completely isolated/alone, when clearly we have to walk together as well, and we have to redefine all of our relationships and be the absolute best person within all of our relationships
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let one person's possession/fall completely take me over.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto maybe this one person is not possessed and can see/do what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/worry about who else can unexpectedly fall and become possessed
I'm sure many people can relate to when someone you know and enjoy suddenly changes in a moment. Like completely changes. It is shocking and it is despairing. They just up and leaves, maybe without even saying a word. A person who does that, wasn't really present/here completely in their application. And we don't have access to a person's process, and their mind. We can't know or predict when its going to happen. God knows I would love to be able to predict that, but I can't. No one can. But it certainly happens over time, and its certainly the lack of application over time. I suppose the most difficult thing is when someone totally seems they are getting it and are applying it, but then all of a sudden shifts, and it all ends in a moment.
We have all seen that I'm sure. I suppose its really difficult when you enjoy them, and you see them and interact with them. I certainly miss these people still, and I still do. At the same time, its important to not get caught up in their process and lack of self-application. As Life, as oneness and equality, there is only one outcome, what is best for all. That is what is certain. When we lose sight of that we lose sight of the overall path and who we are within walking it. The simple truth is that when we walk the path of oneness and equality and what is best for all, we truly become someone that is trustworthy, that is dependable, that is here, that doesn't give up and walks away. That has and is walking a process that is bringing together all the separate pieces. All the separate pieces of expressions. All of the points of limitations are broken. To gain all the individual abilities, and expressions, and understanding, and presence. To be supportive by speaking within what is best for all. To be clear on what the principle is, what the best action is, what the best approach is, what is the best thing to do. To not compromise on the principle. Realize that the person you are becoming as what is best for all, as one and equal, is the very person you would want to know and want around in your life, and would want to interact with the most. You are becoming the solution/correction for humanity. The very thing you would want to prevent others doing, you are preventing it as yourself.
You aren't able to really do anything about anyone's process in a decisive sense. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. But you can decisively decide your process and who you are. You can be that example, that correction, within your living word and expression. You can do it. If you do that, you will always have someone that others can depend on. You will be dependable, you will be predictable, you will be supportive, you will be present. And your presence will change things as you act, live and speak. In terms of the results outside of you, I'm sorry but I can't promise anything about that. I really can't. You will have people, all sorts of people, who will fight tooth and nail and completely resist you no matter what you do or say. But you can't let that define you, your process, the principle of life, of oneness and equality and what is best for all. In some way, you can see it as being up to you to make sure you live it and it is done. Cause just like how you can't determine others, then others can't determine you. Its up to you.
So take ownership of it man, and speak with authority what is best for all. You know what it is. You will always be able to know it, even if sometimes you get possessed for a while. It will always be there within you, waiting.
So this is both a very sad tale and a very hopeful/inspiring one. This is reality. I don't make the rules, but I would say this is best for all. Because we each have to be individual and walk the process. We don't determine/decide another's process. Just like how others can't determine/decide ours. And that's best for all, isn't it?
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