I found happiness at the end of a rainbow!? Just kidding Day 188
Where we idealize happiness to be: at the end of a rainbow. And where can happiness only be found? Well in this moment, duh. |
So I was what you called, an introvert. And for most of my
life, I am currently 24, I dreamed and imagined having many awesome friends,
and have a great woman by my side. I would literally imagine being old,
inviting all the friends in my life and there would be hundreds, and they would
all come to see me, and I would host this great big party. Everyone would get
along, and we would have a great time. Within that I felt, what I called
feeling truly happy. This is what I wanted, to have many relationships with
many people, and being loved and cared for, almost honored, perhaps revered.
This has defined me in many ways, including what I thought/believed would make
me really/truly happy.
There had been moments in my life where I would be in
situations where I made new friends, and we went out together and did things.
Perhaps we went to a friends house, or we were just hanging out together doing
things together, as a group or unit. In such moments I felt truly happy. I
wanted that moment to never end. I wanted to be there forever. And… of course,
such moments ended.
Afterwards I would feel very sad, and disappointed, almost
depressed. I had an extreme longing and wishing to be in that moment again. I
would remember such moments, and play them over and over, again and again in my
mind. I would remember all the details, the peoples, the things we were doing,
and especially how I felt. So in essence, in principle, what I ended defining
happiness to be, was based on how I felt in those moments. I would feel sad/bad,
missing and longing for such moments. So I easily, perhaps naturally defined
such moments/memories as what I desired or wanted, and what would bring me true
happiness.
My personalities and self-perceptions were developed and
shaped by this definition of happiness. I blamed and critized myself harshly on
my social skills as a reason why I couldn’t achieve such happiness. It actually
became a life long goal and struggle to develop effective communication/social
skills. And I would say my desire to feel happy, made it worse, because it was
like this over-bearing, and hovering cloud that cast a shadow on me and made it
more difficult, because I felt so nervous, and longing, and sad.
I recognize that some people find happiness in being
wealthy, doing drugs, or other things. For me, these moments of social
relations, was my drug, and was my wealth that I desired. It was more important
than money. And all of my life focus was on finding and developing that, which
evolved into pursuits of self-perfection and tackling my mind, which I
had identified as the source of my troubles (spoiler, the source is you!)
Oddly, strangely enough when I started stopping what I felt,
this longing, the energy, the emotion behind this desire I had created, I
actually could speak and express myself openly and clearly. And this is not
what someone else had told me or verified for me. I can see now, when and as I
speak how much more clear I am in what I am going to say. Because inside me, I
am much more clear, and so its reflects in my words.
The process I walked in stopping what I felt, the energy and
emotions, involved starting with unconditional self-forgiveness, from the
starting point of doing it for me because I want what is best for me, and I
want the same for everyone else, what is best for them, so I release and stop
all the obstacles and blocks that I had created/step up that have been
preventing me from expressing me and living without these limitations or
weights. I write for you now examples of the self-forgiveness I have/had and
still walking, as it is a living walking, happening in every moment, which is
how I know it is real, when I live it now. And I admit I will write new
forgiveness that I have never written or spoken before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek
happiness through friendship, instead of living happiness as caring for myself,
physically, and ensuring my well-being and the well-being of others, through
living the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit
my definition of happiness to just what I feel, and what others feel, instead
of including perhaps the most important part, our physical bodies, because when
our physical bodies suffer, it means the physical body is breaking down, like a
car breaking down, and requires repair, maintenance, as well as preventative
steps to prevent future trouble, and I can live without feelings, but I can’t
live without the body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it
as ok and acceptable to stay within one dimension of myself, which is how I
feel, and within so being blind and aware to what is happening here in
totality, holistically, and so include the reality of my physical body, and my
immediate physical environment, as well as the physical environment that extends
farther than what I can see or perceive with my eyes, and ears, but that does
exist and has an influence on my immediate environment, and thus on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within
seeking/pursuing what I have defined and called to be the ultimate happiness
for me, to be willing to do whatever it takes, whatever abuses, whatever harm
that may occur to me or others to achieve it, because it is my happiness, my
precious, and I have a right to my happiness, because I have free choice.
When and as I see myself arguing for my right to choose
happiness, and do whatever it takes to achieve it- I stop and I breathe- and I
realize that the happiness I am arguing for is an energetic experience based
off my past experiences, and constructed out of my memories, that was not
designed and created by me with full awareness as to all the consequence,
results and requirements to achieve this happiness, and thus this means that I
could potentially had defined happiness to mean practically anything else, and
so this particular happiness I am arguing is just a random choice, and not real
free choice, and so is invalid, and ridiculous to argue for and try to create
when I am not even aware as to a real valid reason as to why I want to achieve this
particular result for this particular energetic feeling experience, other than
this is what it has always been and existed in me for as long as I can
remember. If I were to tell you I am willing to do anything to achieve
something, and I can’t tell you why I decided to do that thing, because I don’t
have a real reason, that seems crazy doesn’t it? Yet this is this case for me. –
I realize I do have a choice, and that choice is to do what is best for all,
which is measureable, physical, it can be calculated and determined, it can be
seen and tested in the physical reality, and the result can be guaranteed and
predicted, and so it is not a fanciful wish that is happenstance, but rather it
is something real, hard, and has perhaps the best reason for doing it, which is
because it is best for all, which is best for me, which is so obvious and
commonsense, that I can’t see anyone who would try and argue, fight or resist
that statement without them appearing to me as a fool.
So I commit myself to live the word happiness, for me
personally, in how I wish to live/create happiness in my lifetime, to mean what
is best for all, as something physical, calculable, determinable, visible, that
happens and is created in real time, before my eyes, that is undeniably what is
best for all, and will ensure what is best for all, and a life that is best for
all on this earth.
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