Yogan's Journey to Life

As a child i was brought up expecting myself to be a savior. My parents had told me i was an old soul. So i formed a belief about myself that i was somehow more than others. For no apparent reason other than i was an old soul and so acted more mature. This was certainly an act. So i notice that in my writings i am very self-assuming. yes well this is abusive because it assumes and i really have not investigated points thoroughly in detail. Now having understood this about me i must now change this about me as it will lead to consequences i would rather not create. i notice how this has influenced my general writing even for school where i would think what i write is good, but without considering how it was good, i would only feel that it was good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use feelings to judge whether something i written as good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing emotions and feelings while seeing what i write. I forgive myself for accepting...

--> cool pic So its cool I have taken more responsibilities. I feel afraid of failing at my new responsibilities and what consequences may rise. For example if I allow myself to not be a proper buddy. I realize I have the proper support to ask questions from several sources and so there is no excuse. I am able to do this, so simply breathe and walk it. Same with school, breathe and walk it. No excuses, I only have one life. I am in a cool position so lets see what we can make of it!! I started this behaviorist journey to life blog, as in naming it, after I realize the magnitude of this message for everyone.             Im walking separately a thesis point where I will get the chance to study what I found with myself and behaviorism in greater detail. This may involve a literature from many different disciplines in psychology. One point is how we have allowed aversive emotions where we think oh no, this is feeling...

--> --> For this blog I am going to take a memory I just had in my conscious mind. I had written a stream of consciousness as part of an assignment on what you perceive with ‘black.’ I wrote something like sitting on the ocean, laying in the waves feeling the blackness of where my eyes are closed and I simply am relaxed. I had read this to the class and then the teacher said wow, and then asked whether anyone else written something positive with black. Everyone else did not. I then saw the teacher saw me as special. And then I believed myself to be special. Whether he was thinking this or not, I gladly accepted his appraisal.             So this point opened to a similar point of imagining a teacher being impressed with my work and sharing it with the class. I had made a commitment as a child to completely trust my teachers and listen to everything they said because they are teachers. There is no good ...

--> These are self-forgiveness and self- corrective statements for day 21. I suggest reading the preceding post before reading this post. By Kelly Posey I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek relationships to relive an experience of blessed stored within me as a memory from an early childhood experience, where I believed that it was my relationship with my parents and specifically the particular relationship with my mom that was the reason/cause for my experience within me as a energetic feeling known as love, which in fact was due to an accepted and allowed reaction to something in my environment, and so was separate from me from my mind’s point of view and so not my responsibility that I was powerless and helpless to prevent or control this experience that it was natural and how things were suppose to be, when in fact I am the initial creator and have separated himself from his creation as himself, as the physical, and so why humanity is where ...

Self-forgiveness and commitments pertaining to this post http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-22-self-forgiveness-and.html So in my private writings I had opened up the point of relationships and how I seek relationships to relive an experience of bliss when my parents were in love and I thought I felt love from my parents. Which of course, is an experience within me and so has nothing to do really with my parents but with me. I bring this point up because I am looking at a point that opened up where I see myself as better or more if there is a woman who is standing by me, so to speak. Which is very not cool that because something outside me is different, who I am changes. So I see desire to manifest this point of relationship and I see I fear losing this point, not attaining this point, as I fear who I am without this point, and so in this way fear my own fear. I have to become comfortable with me first to get to know me first before embarking on any relationship, wh...

 My name, Yogan. So a point opened just now where my name Yogan, was used in a particular context, and I saw myself feeling scared. I was like dead afraid I would toe out of line. This is obviously from my early years where as a child your told not to do something or something you did was wrong, all the while not realizing it has nothing to do with punishment but correction. Punishment however is used by parents and others to teach children to not do something. Now, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT CHILDREN NOT TO REALIZE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT BUT PHYSICAL CORRECTION IF YOU ARE SHOUTING, BEING ANGRY, AND ABUSIVE AND PUNISHING? Parents then are obviously not properly trained to have children, so suggest don’t have kids until you sort yourself out first. You can start with this simple point being discussed here.             So I was afraid in this context, which fear, commonsense, is not cool. Why am I afraid? Again, this com...

see my video, where i read this post outloud.  Point: getting nervous when I think someone is listening to me play on the piano.  Note: this a continuation of Day 18 -I played the piano tonight Another dimension I can consider is the moment I decide to play the piano. I had in this particular context, Sunday night, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was reacting emotionally that snowballed from a particular event. The ‘event’ was a moment of fear of having to face beings intimately and so face conflict. Why conflict? Because the world is a mess, and most beings have the opinion that the world is fine or good, or they fear taking responsibility for the mess, which all really is responsible. Now, what is interesting about this is I am creating conflict because I am expecting conflict and to find something that is not what I expect I would be surprised which would mean I am unprepared. So bottom line, stop creating the world as it is through the expectation the world w...

--> Point: getting nervous when I think someone is listening to me play on the piano.  Tonight I got nervous while playing the piano, when I thought someone is listening to me play. I looked towards the door for a moment, and I felt fear. I see I am afraid of someone getting angry at my music and thinking what I am playing on the piano sounds bad. This has happened before where I was playing the piano a few years back and someone asked me to not play for right now. I imagined someone was pressing against the door or right outside the door and listening. I then felt separated from my fingers and lost control of what I wanted to play next. I then felt frustrated as I had no control and I saw I gave up my control because I felt afraid. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous while playing the piano and having thought someone was listening to me play the piano. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone hearing me p...

--> This morning I had an interesting revelation, that I have employed punishment and reward in many if not all of my actions. Its like a feeling, which is biologically based and self-created. I know its self-created and even automatized because I can stop and no longer punish and reward myself for said actions, at least within these moments here.             I notice that the same behavior has been conditioned to punishment and reward, such as sleeping in my bed, where I find it aversive or punishing to wake up and get out of bed. Within trying to do so I find it rewarding or reinforcing to immediately lay down and sleep again once I sit up to get out of bed. But within this moment I did not allow myself to do this. Instead I focused on the sounds of the outside morning which I found rewarding.             So my morning was like this, I was realizing how pretty much...

--> Oct 1 2012 I saw X, I slowed down to say hi. ( I saw she was looking away and I thought she might be embarrassed) I was watching her eyes as I was telling her: How are you? She responded, good you? (I did not consider she was simply expressing herself) I kept walking, I thought then, imagined, I had told her: I was sitting outside if you wanted to join me. (I had imagined she would like to sit with me) I then reacted in fear, and told myself no, im going to go sit outside like I planned. I went to the spot I had told myself I was going to sit. I thought there would be too many people walking by that it would be awkward. (I thought she would see me sitting close by yet I separated myself fro everyone else) I also thought it would be not sunny, so not cool. I started then heading somewhere there was sun, outside. I had then imagined if I had asked X out, to which I reacted positively (I imagined she would have said yes to me). But I see this point is just in my mind...