Yogan's Journey to Life

         My last relationship started out well. There was intimacy and closeness. But this slowly went away. I felt frustrated. I wanted to make more intimacy and closeness that was experienced in the early part of the relationship. But I did not know how and I did not tell her what I was thinking because I was afraid I was the source of lack of intimacy.           I started making subtle suggestions/observations about my character in hopes my partner would share the same opinion of me. I even made my self-blame explicit by saying I am going to start acting differently from now on. I felt powerless within this as it felt like I was trying to push against air. I took the opportunity to blame myself for various instances by saying I could have expressed myself differently. I was not supporting myself through writing and when I did it was really to end the relationship out of fear. I had ...

  I was opening up an email sent from a professor. I opened it and was surprised/shocked to read she was my thesis advisor. I had expected another professor to be my thesis advisor as she was in my opinion most qualified to assist and support me on this particular topic. I had already imagined, planned and expected that this other adviser would be the one. So I went   into self-doubt, due to the compromise I made in my self-honesty in trusting that the mind knew I was going to get this adviser when I did not. (you can see how you can’t trust the mind but only what is physically here, which is why we are living this process of getting here/being physical as it is the only stable/trustworthy point that exists, and then we become trustworthy and honest through that process) I thought Im going to fail my thesis without this professor’s support. I was afraid standing alone without this picture I had of me standing with my professor in my mind. Without this then I was ...

Hi blog readers, so i wrote a post a little while back, here it is: Day 9 Beginning of School Semester and I was checking my starting point and so i looked at my blog writings for reference. I saw this blog and it seemed intuitively what i needed to do, to be practical with, "ok how i am going to live now while i am in school?" The self-forgiveness was spontaneous so i literally went sentence by sentence, word for word and see what needed forgiving. So here is what i did, enjoy.  P.S. Make sure to read the self forgiveness statements. Also it may be fun to compare the old post and new post, just sayin.   -Yogan I feel great fear when I think of starting classes again. I don’t want to feel fear in starting classes again as this will lower my performance. The thought of being behind in a class causes anxiety within me. As the assignment for dip is an assignment for a class I feel anxiety when I think I won’t finish it. I feel like I just want to r...

--> A point that bothers me is imagining sending my teacher two emails and that he would be angry/disappointed that i did not combine them. So this is a point of inferiority for me, for I am imagining my teacher to be angry/disappointed in me. I see this fear of this event occurring my teacher being angry/disappointed, is Fckd. I was reading Malin’s post’s http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-154-how-we-teach-our-children-to.html and http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-155-achieving-unachievable-self.html and I saw how this fear is originating from fear of survival. The teacher is like a test exam to get your survival be taken care of through school and education. All the adults I remember would point out that school will determine who you are and whether you suffer or feel good for the duration of your adult life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sending two emails instead of one email to my teacher as I was afraid of repe...

--> I accepted and allowed the thought I have to turn out the light in the kitchen. I told myself it made sense to turn out the lights during the day time. But as I walked back from turning off the light I focused on the sound of my steps and was not walking in breath. So I thought about how my steps sound busy. I see this aspect of self as being busy is defined as hurrying and discomfort, wherein when I tell someone I am busy, I experience discomfort. So physically I see the busy aspect of self, also known as the busy character, I am physically mover at a quicker pace but I miss grab things and make miss-takes. Within my emotions and feelings, I feel suppression and compression as discomfort. And I imagine my goal as in arms reach but never quite how I imagined it to be, imperfect. Physically the consequence is a poor job. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I see a task that requires completion such as turning off the kitchen light, to bec...