“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, October 31, 2014

I found happiness at the end of a rainbow!? Just kidding Day 188

Where we idealize happiness to be: at the end of a rainbow. And where can happiness only be found? Well in this moment, duh.

So I was what you called, an introvert. And for most of my life, I am currently 24, I dreamed and imagined having many awesome friends, and have a great woman by my side. I would literally imagine being old, inviting all the friends in my life and there would be hundreds, and they would all come to see me, and I would host this great big party. Everyone would get along, and we would have a great time. Within that I felt, what I called feeling truly happy. This is what I wanted, to have many relationships with many people, and being loved and cared for, almost honored, perhaps revered. This has defined me in many ways, including what I thought/believed would make me really/truly happy.
There had been moments in my life where I would be in situations where I made new friends, and we went out together and did things. Perhaps we went to a friends house, or we were just hanging out together doing things together, as a group or unit. In such moments I felt truly happy. I wanted that moment to never end. I wanted to be there forever. And… of course, such moments ended.
Afterwards I would feel very sad, and disappointed, almost depressed. I had an extreme longing and wishing to be in that moment again. I would remember such moments, and play them over and over, again and again in my mind. I would remember all the details, the peoples, the things we were doing, and especially how I felt. So in essence, in principle, what I ended defining happiness to be, was based on how I felt in those moments. I would feel sad/bad, missing and longing for such moments. So I easily, perhaps naturally defined such moments/memories as what I desired or wanted, and what would bring me true happiness.
My personalities and self-perceptions were developed and shaped by this definition of happiness. I blamed and critized myself harshly on my social skills as a reason why I couldn’t achieve such happiness. It actually became a life long goal and struggle to develop effective communication/social skills. And I would say my desire to feel happy, made it worse, because it was like this over-bearing, and hovering cloud that cast a shadow on me and made it more difficult, because I felt so nervous, and longing, and sad.
I recognize that some people find happiness in being wealthy, doing drugs, or other things. For me, these moments of social relations, was my drug, and was my wealth that I desired. It was more important than money. And all of my life focus was on finding and developing that, which evolved into pursuits of self-perfection and tackling my mind, which I had identified as the source of my troubles (spoiler, the source is you!)
Oddly, strangely enough when I started stopping what I felt, this longing, the energy, the emotion behind this desire I had created, I actually could speak and express myself openly and clearly. And this is not what someone else had told me or verified for me. I can see now, when and as I speak how much more clear I am in what I am going to say. Because inside me, I am much more clear, and so its reflects in my words.
The process I walked in stopping what I felt, the energy and emotions, involved starting with unconditional self-forgiveness, from the starting point of doing it for me because I want what is best for me, and I want the same for everyone else, what is best for them, so I release and stop all the obstacles and blocks that I had created/step up that have been preventing me from expressing me and living without these limitations or weights. I write for you now examples of the self-forgiveness I have/had and still walking, as it is a living walking, happening in every moment, which is how I know it is real, when I live it now. And I admit I will write new forgiveness that I have never written or spoken before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek happiness through friendship, instead of living happiness as caring for myself, physically, and ensuring my well-being and the well-being of others, through living the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of happiness to just what I feel, and what others feel, instead of including perhaps the most important part, our physical bodies, because when our physical bodies suffer, it means the physical body is breaking down, like a car breaking down, and requires repair, maintenance, as well as preventative steps to prevent future trouble, and I can live without feelings, but I can’t live without the body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as ok and acceptable to stay within one dimension of myself, which is how I feel, and within so being blind and aware to what is happening here in totality, holistically, and so include the reality of my physical body, and my immediate physical environment, as well as the physical environment that extends farther than what I can see or perceive with my eyes, and ears, but that does exist and has an influence on my immediate environment, and thus on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within seeking/pursuing what I have defined and called to be the ultimate happiness for me, to be willing to do whatever it takes, whatever abuses, whatever harm that may occur to me or others to achieve it, because it is my happiness, my precious, and I have a right to my happiness, because I have free choice.
When and as I see myself arguing for my right to choose happiness, and do whatever it takes to achieve it- I stop and I breathe- and I realize that the happiness I am arguing for is an energetic experience based off my past experiences, and constructed out of my memories, that was not designed and created by me with full awareness as to all the consequence, results and requirements to achieve this happiness, and thus this means that I could potentially had defined happiness to mean practically anything else, and so this particular happiness I am arguing is just a random choice, and not real free choice, and so is invalid, and ridiculous to argue for and try to create when I am not even aware as to a real valid reason as to why I want to achieve this particular result for this particular energetic feeling experience, other than this is what it has always been and existed in me for as long as I can remember. If I were to tell you I am willing to do anything to achieve something, and I can’t tell you why I decided to do that thing, because I don’t have a real reason, that seems crazy doesn’t it? Yet this is this case for me. – I realize I do have a choice, and that choice is to do what is best for all, which is measureable, physical, it can be calculated and determined, it can be seen and tested in the physical reality, and the result can be guaranteed and predicted, and so it is not a fanciful wish that is happenstance, but rather it is something real, hard, and has perhaps the best reason for doing it, which is because it is best for all, which is best for me, which is so obvious and commonsense, that I can’t see anyone who would try and argue, fight or resist that statement without them appearing to me as a fool.
So I commit myself to live the word happiness, for me personally, in how I wish to live/create happiness in my lifetime, to mean what is best for all, as something physical, calculable, determinable, visible, that happens and is created in real time, before my eyes, that is undeniably what is best for all, and will ensure what is best for all, and a life that is best for all on this earth.  

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