“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, August 11, 2014

Trust me, character day 151


 
Trust me Character
Memory of asking Federicka whether she would trust me to catch her if she fell backwards, like one of those trust exercises.
I feel nervous, because Federicka doesn’t trust me, because she said no.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when Federicka told me that she doesn’t trust me to catch her in a trust exercise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek trust, because I believe that I can’t have a relationship with a woman she doesn’t trust or if I am not trustworthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to become trustworthy or have women trust me so that I can have a relationship with a woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust things, based on how I feel, instead of how things act and behave.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that trust is just the predictability of how things will act in certain conditions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to be the perfect guy who you can predict exactly how he acts, and so he would be the perfect mate for any woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire myself to be predictable for the sake of attaining a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control of every single moment, and every single aspect in every moment of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that everything predictable in m life, that I can see into the future, and know future, and use that for my own ends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish to give up the illusion that I am predictable to a woman, that I am who I say I am to a woman, that I have no secrets and nothing hidden from her, and that I perfect for her, when that is a lie, and it is done to deceive the woman into wanting to as well as initiating a relationship with me, in lust and desire for me to catch me, and hold me and never let me go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel energetic, to feel high, when I have captured a woman in a relationship with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask Federicka whether she trusted me, so that I can try to initiate a relationship with her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, perceive and think that trust is required for a relationship to be created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, perceive and think that trust is required for a relationship to continue to exist, because right now, no one is trustworthy, and perhaps we shouldn’t aspire to be 100% predictable, because that would mean we would have 100% control of our environments, which we know is already not the case, and so we should let go of the desire of 100% control of ourselves, of each other, and of our environment, and rather seek to adapt, to adjust and be flexible, and work with what’s here, the people, the environment and ourselves, and to continue striving to creating the world we want, a world that is best for all. 
When and as I see myself feeling nervous while asking a woman whether she trusts me, and she replies no, I stop and I breathe- I realize that whether I am perceived as trustworthy, that it doesn’t really define me, my actions, or behaviors, or thoughts- I realize that there is a difference between what you perceive and what is real or actually the case, and that sometimes what you perceive does match reality, and sometimes it doesn’t- I realize that I don’t have a clear definition for trust, nor a value for trust because I can see directly how I am acting and behaving, and so don’t require trust so that, and I only perceive a small amount of what another lives, and so trust is irrelevant, and what matters is giving people the chance to learn and get better at doing things- I realize that being trustworthy is an ideal I don’t aspire to, because I am allowing myself to make mistakes, to fail, to try, and I am stage where I am not 100% reliable, so I wouldn’t call myself trustworthy, nor do I wish myself to be; however I am getting better at what I do, so trust as a skill you have, make sense, because you can develop and refine a skill – I realize that trust as a feeling or emotion, doesn’t make sense, because it will mislead you- I realize that trying to get others to feel a certain way about me, so that they trust and so listen me, is manipulative in a way that is not best for that person, since what you feel, will always mislead you- I realize that I have acted and moved myself based on feelings and emotions my whole life, and so I can that I have trusted feelings and emotions, and that I have trusted things that I have feelings and emotions for -  I realize that trust is the same as control, and we can’t fully have trust or control, and it would deleterious to attempt to have that- I realize that the question, do you trust me, is an empty question, because it would be harmful to fully trust a person, and it is often the case the circumstances will dictate whether we give trust to a person, so we never really have much of a choice anyway, and so it is always best to just work with what’s here, and better and develop ourselves- I realize that it is actually healthy and good for a person to not trust me – I realize that it is potentially harmful to a person to trust me – I realize that I need to do my best to do what is best for all, and live up to my highest potential at all times, and that I do it for myself, and not because another person trusts me- I realize I can’t live if I am busy trying to not break a person’s trust – I realize there is no point in living up to another person’s expectations, and all the reasons to live up to my own- I realize that there is no need for trust something or have faith in something when you have proof or evidence regarding that something – I realize that I need to be scientific and thus willing to make mistakes, and test things out – I realize that forming a relationship, or any sort of agreement with a person will run the risk of making mistakes, and dealing with mishaps and correcting them, this is unavoidable- I realize that all I can do in a relationship or any sort of agreement is to push on when I mess up and learn as I go, as well as push on when the other person makes a mistakes, and assist and support them as how I would like to be assisted and supported when I make a mistake- I realize to be frozen and stuck in nervousness or fear, will just stagnant things as nothing is moving, and it always best to just keep moving, and keep pushing points, and learning and growing from mistakes as much as possible – I realize that a commitment I make in any sort of agreement is a commitment I make to myself –
I commit myself to keep my commitments with any sort of agreement with a person, as long as it serves what is best for all.
I commit myself to redefine trust as being predictable, and to aspire to be predictable, however within limitation, since we don’t have 100% control of our environments and also not ourselves or other people, and so within that find a predictability, a reliability, as my behaviors, actions, routines, and commitments.

Trust
Fear of loss, fear of losing my friendships and relationships, because I am not trustworthy enough.
Fear of not having control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friendships and relationships, because I believe, perceive and think that I am not trustworthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being untrustworthy because I fear losing a relationship or friendship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist hearing that a person doesn’t trust me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personal that a person doesn’t trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I feel as nervousness, fear and resistance when I hear that a person doesn’t trust me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing things
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing relationships and friendships.
When and as I see myself in fear when working with the word trust-to stop and breathe- I realize that as long as I continue to push and move myself, physical, visible results will be guaranteed to occur- I realize that words such as trust are useful insomuch as they assist and support us to achieve what we aim in creating, and thus all definitions of words and uses of words that harm or debilitate us, should be eliminated, erased and removed as the virulent substance it serves as. 
I commit myself to no longer trust anyone, but myself, and I break my trust with myself when I don’t live up to the words that I write self-honestly, as words that I can live up to, since I know that failure doesn’t matter, that I can always live up to something that I can learn to be and do over time. Therefore I only break my trust when I decide to really give up, to really turn my back on self-honesty, and self-forgiveness and what is best for all, once and for all. And so as long as I continue to persevere and move myself to try, and try, then I continue to live up to my agreement with myself, and thus I have established trust with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define trust as something positive or good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire or want trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to possess trust, forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define trust as a feeling or emotion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not define trust as stability and support, and had instead defined I as something you give to another, the ability for their action and behavior to trigger feelings and emotions within you.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse the word trust to serve as a trigger for emotions and feelings, so energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate feelings and emotions through using the word trust in conversation, speech, and writing.

Trust
I feel happy, sad,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and/or sad when I hear or speak the word trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the word trust serve as the balancing point of polarity, such that when I trust someone or something, I will feel a feeling or emotion dependent upon how that someone or something acts, behaves, or becomes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify feelings and emotions through finding it acceptable to use the word trust in this manner as serving as something that merits feelings and emotions through expected, predefined, and preprogrammed behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust, because I wish that people fail, or succeed, so that I feel energy because of the predictions I made from having “trusted” them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an Energy Addict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a Trust Me Character, that seeks trust, so that I generate energy, or seeks to trust others or things, so I can generate energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when someone “trusts me” and believe and think I am a good person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I break someone’s trust, and to think and believe I am a bad person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, feel, believe, and perceive that I deserve trust, that I am a person with such a character that merits trust from everyone, especially women, because of how trustworthy I am in comparison to the average guy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and start smiling when a woman tells me that she trusts me, because I believe and think that this means that I can easily create a sexual relationship with this person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically trust a person that trusts me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, I trust you.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing trust and thoughts about trusting others, to block and mask what I perceive and hear when another person is speaking or has written something, including myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that my past relationships ended because my partner didn’t trust me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive that my friendships fell apart because my friends didn’t trust me or I am not a trustworthy person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick my friends based on how I feel about them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not listen to what my friends say to me, or what other people say, if how it makes me feel is not how I want to be feeling in that moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel things or want not to feel something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to throw up thoughts, feelings, emotions, systems, and the mind so that I don’t have to deal with them fully, specifically in detail. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,believe and perceive that my past relationships ended because I did not live up to all of the qualities that I needed to be the perfect guy for any girl, that I developed throughout my life, through my relationship with my mom and dad, and everything else around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to become perfect for the relationship, instead of for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive that I can’t keep friendships, because I am not perfect yet, and have not embodied all of the ideals of being the perfect guy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek only friendships with women.

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