“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A quest for understanding Part 1 -emotions and feelings Day 160

I finished up a series of blogs on humility. I suggest to check that out before reading this, if you wish to have a greater understanding of the context and the changes that are happening on a larger scale. You will however will be able to follow along anyway.

I ended the previous series of blogs on a point. This point was being present with my emotions and feelings. The practical application, thereof, is opening up something interesting. And I have questions, and seek answers. That is why I write tonight.

So there are two different moments I am experiencing. One is when there is a distinct voice, or thought I have, and I experience a feeling or emotion along with the thought. Another moment is one where I just experience a feeling, and its silent in my head, no thought.

I am curious as to why they are different. I admit they are different. In one I am taking a position, and my perception of the world changes, like I am clouded. The second one, I perceive what is here, and what I feel, without feeling like I am being pushed out of the way. The first one is more forceful and forces its way in. The second is just here, not really moving or going anywhere, not forcing me to stay or go, just present.

This could be the nature of positivity and negativity.

As with everything, Self-forgiveness will make things clearer.

So i saw a photo of two people. I felt, love, or a good feeling. It reminds me of a memory, where I was like that way with another person myself. It reminds me of how I used to feel when hugging people. Of the physical touch, warm, feel of the fabric, hearing their chest move with breathing, and feeling my own muscles relaxed yet steady. I could describe it many ways, feeling trust, security, comfort, at ease, relaxed, safe, protected, like everything is alright or perfect. But now having written these words, I begin to feel sad. I remember when my relationship ended. I am reminded of how it is not actually here, now. How it is lost. One of the realizations that I wrote in my previous blogs was how emotions and feelings are not separate from me, so they can never really be lost. I see that in my memory, this good feeling expects that there be someone I am hugging, someone I am loving, for it to exist, be here, and not be lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that there be someone here in order for me to love and experience love as a feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a feeling as requiring another person, other than myself, for it to be present, here, and exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a hug.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of love, since, supposedely love is such a great thing, why limit it to something, and instead to include everything, every action, every thing.
When and as I see myself experiencing love and so fear of loss - I stop and I breathe- i realize that love exists because i have limited love, or myself, to just a few things or actions, instead of all things and actions - I realize that limiting myself to a few things or actions creates fear - I realize that having a fixed perception, or name, or definition, or who I am, who YOgan, is limits me - I realize that I create myself with the definitions I have for myself, which creates a feeling and thought about who I am- I realize that I want to live without desires or expectations of me that are limited, instead of with desires that are unlimited, boundless, outside space and time-
I commit myself to eliminate love by loving every action and thing
I commit myself to include all things and actions into consideration
I commit myself to eliminate fear by including all actions and things into consideration
I xommit myself to be flexible, adaptable, and unfixed.
I commit myself to not limit the definition of who I am, to limitations.
I commit myself to have the highest expectations for me.


More self-forgiveness, and self-correction, to arrive tomorrow.


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