“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, August 17, 2014

A quest for humility part 1 day 155


A statement I made today was this. Are you sure you’re the best person to talk about that?
I doubted that person’s ability to speak on the subject based on my past experience with him. I was wrong to do so. That person has much a right to speak on the subject as anyone, yet I denied him that, with my words.
When I said that to him, it was like in my mind, I saw him as being a person that would forever never be trusted or capable to speak on this subject. If I don’t allow trust, or allow the possibility that a person can change, what does that say about me, and how I relate to myself. It says that I have beliefs about myself that say that I will never change certain parts of me, that I would never give up.
 It’s interesting because that phrase, never give up, is something I have lived to an extent, of “never giving up” in the context of a commitment, however, within that context, what I actually do, is like for example, a loveless marriage, where I force myself to stay with a person, “never giving up” on them and the marriage, but really, I am not actually giving it my all, my everything, myself to push the marriage to be the best marriage I can make it. So the “never giving up” applies only to the context of never ending the marriage, instead of what would be the better position of never giving less than my best. Never give up is kind of empty then, or an inferior commitment compared to one that involves giving my best.
 So what is actually going then in my mind with this phrase? That the commitment is there within me to not change, but its interesting to see how, this commitment I have made is not what is best for me, or it is not a commitment to do what is best for me. Within me there is almost like an acceptance, in a form of, “well that’s pointing out the obvious!” in relation to me having a commitment within me to not change, and that this is not best for me. But its strange if I really push myself to see this point, why do I have a commitment within me, like in the loveless marriage example, that is not best for me? I mean a commitment takes work, right? There some effort involve, I mean I do experience that as energy and resistance, but those things do require my active participation.
 Now looking at the belief point; the belief is kind of like a peg in a railroad track. It holds the rails together to the log or piece of wood. Without the belief, it wouldn’t really have a structure, it would fall apart. So as a practical approach for me, I see that I can just focus on identifying the belief, because within doing so I identify the structure, and that will assist me in changing, since right now those beliefs are holding onto the structure of me not changing.
I see it as practical to end the blog here for tonight, and continue this tomorrow night. It will give me chance to digest the practical points raised about me. This will be a slow process because this, from where I stand, is a rather extensive point. I notice now, how the word I, I have a particular reaction to, and how this would tie into the belief about me, not changing, which is obviously a belief about self, and the word I, represents self. Ok, so this seems to be a good seg-way for tomorrow’s blog, and I will continue this next time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as superior or better than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as better than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what another person will say, that might be wrong and incorrect, and then I will be forced to answer him, and correct him, in front of him, and causing him to feel embarrassed, and to feel embarrassed myself for causing him to feel embarrassed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what someone else is going to say and worry about what he is going to say, and worry about consequences of what he will say, that will be happening to those who hear him speak, and spread out person to person affecting this whole world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the future as if it is real.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be practical in using the mind’s ability to notice patterns within circumstance, in relation to the principle of cause and effect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to possible futures, within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my past, in fear of what the future will bring, because of what I have accessed as my memories of the past.
When and as I see myself reacting to knowing less than another, being told what is right or wrong by another- to breathe – I realize that I don’t know more than another – I realize that I am not more or less capable than another- I realize that others have something to offer based off of their life experience.
I commit myself to listen to others speak.

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