“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

My wants come first, or do they?

So I have been reviewing my life and what I am realizing now, within my recent years the point of how I placed my desire of wanting to connect with people, to have social skills, first before what is best for all. So I did just that during the last 3 years after graduating college. I went after what I wanted. So this influenced my decisions where I tried to work within a sales position, to develop social skills. Then I worked at a school, also as part of my desire to connect with people.

The result of placing my desire first before what is best for all meant that I choose things based on what I wanted, not what is best for all. I could have instead first placed what is best for all first, and then within that life path I could along the way get what I want. But then when I want would not come first or before what is best for all. So this is my lesson. Also really, in sales, I wasn't getting what I wanted, which was to really connect with people, intimacy, on a equal and one level. In sales its about selling, its not about real connection and intimacy with people. So its a job, that requires certain social skills that i don't have and am not really interested in for myself to develop. The same with the school, its a job, so it also requires acting a certain way. So what I am seeing that when it comes to work or a job, that the job/work needs to come first. Meaning that for me to produce the best result, I should align to where I am able to produce my best result, which is then with math. And within that, within a field that I am already much aligned to in how I lived this life, then I can do what is best for all, and I can get what I want. A job is a job.

What is best for all means that I take care of myself, and taking care of myself requires having a job and making money. To have a job that I am able to do well in, means that I am taking good care of myself. Within taking care of myself, along the way I can give myself what I want. But I can't make a living off of what I want, which is to have deep connections with people and intimacy. Because currently, and how the world works, its about making money, and there is no money to be made from being deep, honest, intimate, caring, with someone, unfortunately. There is no job I can go where that is my job. So I need to be practical.

However, within any job, and with any coworker, or person, I can be honest, deep, intimate, caring, potentially. But that is not part of the job, it would just be a part of me, and I would just be happening to perform some job/work there. So that is life, right now. My wants don't come first, they come second. But that's good for me, what is best for me, and so its best for all!

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