“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Day 54: Are We All Doomed?

It is difficult for me to share on blogger without somehow caring about who reads this. In other words I manipulate my writing. I see this as a problem because this does not support ME. This is a problem because it does not support me. I need to correct this and support me. Today I went to a talk hosted on campus. The speaker was from the Ben & Jerry ice cream company. He was Jerry, who helped founded the company. It was a nice talk and all about spiritualizing business, and incorporating the community, giving back money to community, supporting social movements. Anyway, so after there was free ice cream. I was watching myself, and i was seeing how when standing in line and walking to the reception there was this automatic push when the line in front moved forward. I noticed this. I did not want to participate in this automaticity. I saw it as a fear of someone behind me getting in front. So i relaxed, and moved slowly at a comfortable place because you know what? that if your in the back of the line there is no hurry to move up, it wont help you get icecream faster, unless you skip people. So there is like this general fear of people cutting you, so you move ahead to prevent that possibility, you try and protect your space by conquering it first, lol. So i moved slowly, and i noticed some guy moving up faster than me who were behind me. I decided that if they moved up it would be no big deal, that it would take literally some seconds more so it would not be a big deal. There was a guy who was serving ice cream that said there were five lines for ice cream. So I immediately moved up and carefully decided what i wanted.
Later after eating icecream, i sat with others. I sat for a while. I had thoughts run through, that i don't know what to do... and so i started panicking inside. My hand went to my face. I felt sad-ish, more like stuck or tormented. A friend ask whether i died after eating my ice cream. I immediately smiled, and said yeah. This was just a reaction. Looking at everyone who was chatting and having a good time, I could not believe that they would be doing this in the same room as me as i sat there like this. I would months before think that i need to change to be happy and join them. When really who are these people that only care for their happiness that they would not lend a helping hand to someone who was distressed? I realized that when the push came to shove, most would not step in. I can't live in a world where people stand by and watch other people suffer. That is simply not acceptable. I can't accept that. SO in that moment, i dropped what i was feeling. I want to be there and support others when they need support. I want to be a caring being in fact. I want to care in the way that no one has ever cared for me, except maybe my mom.
But i want to include everyone, not just me. And exclude those who simply reject the idea of supporting others and yourself, until they're ready. I am willing to take the first step in being that which no one wants to be, to care, to love/live for real.
SO no more wanting to be more than others.
No more seeking attention to feel better, because that would be accepting some inner defect.
Just a continuous correction in every moment, living WHO YOU ARE, as what you realize is REAL because it is the point of originality of who you are beyond limitations that you accept yourself to live, like for example the limitation to NOT see something wrong in the world, like in people, any person... every person, how we for example do not help and only focus on our happiness and blame others and do not care for the suffering of others, and leave them alone, and isolate them, and focus on creating the upsurdity of dream-making of lights and colors, and enjoyment and fulfillment that DISREGARDS ANYONE OR ANYTHING REALLLLLLLLLL, like me or you, or anything else that is realllll, that you can touch or see in the 3D. The abstract, the mind is meaningless. Words are meaningless, and only are important as the Purpose they serve in AFFECTING reality. SO its What You Do, are you Living Your Words??? Are you Feeling the Reality? Are you intimate with hands and feet? Are you picking words that will have the maximum effect, the effect you are aiming for that reveals that which you truly Value. Are you taking the Risks necessary to Reach the Value, that possibility of a Life worthwhile. The whole existence for me has been a Test of who i am, what i accept and allow. And for me this has been the only value, Life, the statement: Life for Life, which can be translated to Life for itself. Something that Does Not consider itself cannot stand, right??? So this is the lesson Humanity, listen close... If you do not recognize life as yourself, if you fail to recognize the life that is right in front of your eyes, then we die, and nothing will remain, which is only the result you would expect. There are many traps, and the moments to stand are far in between, so when that door opens you step in it. Thats the advice i can give.
LuCKKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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