Day 901 Chaos or part of the dance?

 

The day a friend's dog bit me, I didn't know any better. Based on my experience this dog, this dog was calm, was not barking or being aggressive. If anything, it looked shy. And the way my friend told me that careful the dog my bite, it sounded like so chill and not a big deal. And it was in a context of me entering her car and not putting my hand to the back to pet the dog. So far I never experienced or heard of a dog biting in this way with that demeanor. One second so calm, and immediately just biting, without warning. The dogs I have seen would bark heavily, growl, or make some other indication that they will strike. If they weren't like that they would at least be energetic, or happy. Another demeanor is a shy dog that was how one of my dogs( that passed away) would be around strangers. 

In a way it was a gap in my knowledge and experience as well as my friend being so chill about the dog potentially biting. The dog and the situation were exceptional. And it all came together perfectly to lead to what happened. My experience couldn't guide me or prevent me from stopping what would happen.Yet in a way I do blame myself. I shouldn't though. Yet I feel as if the presence of others saying I should blame myself. The internet exposes the minds of people and surely there are those who would say its my fault. 

So there is a difference between being responsible for everything and then blaming myself for everything. So being responsible for myself doesn't mean that its my fault for what happened to me. Being responsible for myself doesn't mean that I could have prevented what would happen. And being responsible for everything doesn't mean being responsible for other people's actions. The best way to look at reality is through reality's eyes. 

Is there something I would change about my approach given a repeat of events but without prior knowledge of what would happen? I live in my reality reading people and situations. I rely that. And how I read my friend and read the dog was based on how I have known people. And so there was a gap in my knowledge. There is no way I could have known. Could I have been paranoid? sure. Could I have doubted my friend and not trust her? yes. I could have approach things differently, but that is not how I would want to live life. We need to give people chances, as well as animals, and sometimes we do get bit. So far I haven't been so badly bit before in my life, but risks are needed. If we coddle ourselves or others, then we aren't really living anyway. Steve Irwin knew this, he took plenty of risks and took many injuries with animals, which led him to great achievement and understanding of animals. And Bernard knew this as well, which is why he said to "die well," which means living in a such a way that your ready for death because you are doing the most you can each day. So my approach was sound. Yet the injury and what followed haunted me.

Because it wasn't just the dog. I also misread my friend. She is a much different person than I have met before, so what I was reading off of her was also incorrect. Suffice to say, her and her dog are like two peas of a pod. I reached out and she became aggressive to me. She also seemed calm and shy to me. And I didn't expect that response from her. And in her aggression she ended our friendship. And I respected her decision. I never met a person who on the outside was so calm and shy, yet on the inside could express such anger in an instant. Similar to her dog biting out of nowhere. Most people who are shy and calm, were always friendly or at least tolerable. It's a unique personality design of a person, one which i never met before, and so had no way to predict or prepare for. With people who are outwardly angry, I would assist by listening to them and then working with them on what they are saying. I have experience with that. But a burst of anger that is directed at me solely. I have not been the kind of person to bring forth anyone's wrath. And my first response was that I was being bullied, because being targeted as a kid by bullies is very similar to what was occurring. And so how I responded to bullies was Anger. So I got angry at my friend. And it just snowballed from there. I had no control of the situation. I mean the situation is one where you think you are good friend with someone who is shy and calm and really its a bully you are with. 

I am a extremely stubborn person and so very committed to helping everyone transcend. So I would have committed working with the person and their personality design. Unfortunately what occurred led to them immediately ending our friendship. And so I was back to blaming myself. When again it wasn't my fault, and couldn't have prevented any of it, without actually compromising or hiding or running away. What lead to their angry outburst, was me doing what I know was right and supportive for us as human beings. Its just that some wounds are so deep that when your receive kindness you lash out at those who are being kind and giving you what you need.And so ending the friendship is also a way of feeling like you are in control, because of fear of being rejected by others, and so it leads to ending the relationship oneself. 

Human beings are interesting things. The Designs are all over the map. And so my design is one of blaming myself for what happens. And really disliking what I am considering failure, when in fact failure doesn't exist. What occurs is rather the outflows of designs. And so we can learn from that and so lead people to understand their own designs. In my head though, I was attached to the outcome of me working in harmony with people in an open communication and discussion of their designs, when the only way to get to certain designs is through the outflow of it, the explosions and manifestations of them. I was inexperienced in that sense, and I had a desire of stability in my outer relationships. The world and its people is like a dance, it isn't stable as in free of chaos. Chaos is part of the dance. If I didn't blame myself or hold desires of how things should be, then maybe I could have responded differently. But that is just something I can only figure out next time. Because now I have experience. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for what I considered to be failure, and something I didn't want to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for something I didn't know would happen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire stable people, stable relationships and predictable outcomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear trying again to reach out to people and being vulnerable with people. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I don't know, the personality designs I don't know, and experiencing failure.

I commit myself to not blame myself by not holding desires of stable outcomes and predictable situations. 

I commit myself to utilize and live with my experience and to read people, and do my best to help others and connect with them.