Day 841 Friendship and Family

 Series on Friendship and Family Part 1

So I am identifying the one desire/motivation I have had my entire life, the thing that got me through so many moments, was wanting to have this group of people, be it family or friends, but its of nature where there is fun, adventure, where I can relax and be myself, where I have fun, where I am happy, and where I belong. And in media, in the tv shows, movies, and books, it is something that is shown. Like in the Tv Show Friends, or in other shows like Teen Titans, or Firefly, or Agents of Shield, Avatar the last airbender, Full House... And so I believe it was attainable and I wanted that for myself, and I believed everyone else would enjoy that as well, and so helping others to get that also seemed logical. 

 So everything I did in my Life had that desire in the background, which is a selfish desire for me to experience. I would have this dream/vision/wish as a kid/child where I would be old and invite all of my friends from across my lifetime to a big shin dig to meet up. The real hard truth is that I throw around the word Friend loosely. I wish it was as easy as simply calling everyone my friend. It was my desire that it would be so easy. That we could all be friends.

So the years meditating, the years trying to reach enlightenment, the years working on myself to be better and to change through writing and self-forgiveness, had that desire motivating me in the background. I am not saying its good, bad, or right or wrong, it was what it was. It's a fact. And my goal here is to transcend that desire. And I don't have a choice anymore. This is a cross-roads. I am at a point where my desire has taken over my motivation and power. And that is why through writing everyday on this point and doing self-forgiveness, I can change it. Through consistent action everyday, I can change it, I can let it go, and I can transform myself. 

One of the things I feel is fear of letting go of Friends and Family. Or losing them. Or disappointing them. Or them dying off and I am alone. So I will start here. For the beginning is always a good place to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Family and Friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing Family and Friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing Family and Friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my family and friends dying off, and I am the last one left, all alone.

I forgive myself for for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing family and friends, because I fear how it will cause them to leave me or to kick me out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making my own decisions and taking my own actions without consulting my family or friends for fear that they will disagree or hate my actions or decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please my family and friends so that they stay with me or I can stay with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have fun and adventure with family and friends as the only way I could have fun and adventure, exclusive of myself alone having fun and adventure.

I feel angry but I am not sure at what, so I am leaving a note to myself for next time.