Day-49: Fears and Justifications?

-->

I notice how I am bashing the president of my college. He is new. He is also very charismatic. I do not trust him because he seems such a nice guy. Because he sees normal. I think its all a sham. It reminds me of myself. I imagine myself screaming like a monster. I am in conflict in whether what I think I am like is how I actually am. I think a lot. Today while I was eating lunch. I had finished eating and I sat to relax. It felt like the first time I have relaxed in years. I forgot about the basic truths I learned from my mom who works with the body in Yoga and maintaining a well-functioning body that is free of pain. There is a balance between work and rest. That one cannot be working and stressing all the time. The body needs to rest and recuperate. Otherwise the body starts accumulating tension. The muscles become contracted, which muscles themselves act in a balance, that when one muscle is active another has to relax. This active is a contraction and this relax is an extension. Stretching helps bring blood in the stretched areas and can relieve pain and unblock muscles through providing the muscle food, essentially, as blood and oxygen. This is why breathing is so important when exercising. I found I was able to do more when I breathed fully and throughout an exercise or yoga session. Similarly when doing school work though, its different. I used to do school work from a very relaxed place. I was able to understand all the material, and remember everything, even my entire day. There was a moment of activation, where I had to work quickly, mostly during a test but also in studying too. I found that if I pushed myself I was able to learn more. Though I first had to empty out fears and relax. Then I would focus on what I had to do and then prepare my body that. So it depended really on what I was required to do. These skills and techniques are good ones. What requires attention is living these methods again, and this time I will decide was is required, why, and to empty out all the old reasons and judgments. And to find out what they were, so they do not manipulate me anymore. 

              So… like the muscles that relaxes, I will extend myself into me, and see the goals I had, and the desires I wanted to accomplish, and see whether they really have any value to give to life. Things like Fame, Romance, do not by themselves give any value or consideration for life. They are in it for Fame for Fame, and Romance for Romance… not even For Self. How sad is that? That there was something inside me that did not even consider myself here, this physical body, and what would happen in the long run. It was very calculating and determined, and clever, though for what? For itself, only? Not even taking into account this body, and only considered this body up until I did not threaten its existence? The mind itself does not want to end itself. I will have to do it. Through taking full responsibility for me, and living without a mind, living here. I notice a pattern of me, to externalize responsibility to others in my world, which is the same as externalizing responsibility to the mind. No matter the situation, no matter who is involved, I must take self-responsibility because I am responsible for myself and what I do and don’t do always, in every moment and any situation I am in. And because I have access to knowledge that can assist and support me and/or others,  I am responsible to use that knowledge to assist me and others wherever possible, taking in consideration of practicality/reality. Like for example, how to care for my body and how to assist myself to work effectively. This involves eating, moving, an awareness a hereness with the movement, the position of the body, the breathing, the planning, the taking consideration of all the variables, to make calculations, and to make informed predictions, and to stick close to the basic truths of reality, how for example we are in limitation, and we must work with limitation, and be humble/honest, that we are responsible for ourselves totally, as well as others. Though others cannot take the position of our self responsibility, neither can they take our responsibility for others. They can individually live this too, though only we can take our positions in living this, and only we decide whether we do it. No one can give this or take this from us, except us.