“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, May 27, 2016

Loneliness: Why does it Exist?

So I am walking a process now, specifically with loneliness. It will be a process meaning this is something that won't change instantly, and I plan on doing several blogs on this point, at least 3. So right now, today, I am using the support of the Eqafe interviews. Specifically from the Atlantean series: Loneliness: Why does it Exist? - Atlanteans - Part 127   So my plan is to write out my realizations, insights, and self-reflections here that I had today, and to do so for tomorrow or the next day which I will also be listening to the next part in the series. Doing this I will give myself time.

So for today, these are my points. I see how indeed loneliness is an emotion that is defined as "it is not okay to be alone." Meaning that I have lived this as it being alone is something negative. This means that I have indeed been feeling negative when I am alone. This also means that when I would interact with people, that I did so within the desire to flip this polarity from being alone to not being alone. So essentially I would interact with people within the desire to not be alone. This meant that I would do things, which would compromise me, because I desired to not be alone. This included changing who I am, becoming a different person, so as to not be alone. This is very clear for me. This is also clear for me since a very young age. It is also clear to me that this is still here, and still a part of me, and it hasn't changed.

I realized that I have done stupid things because I feared being alone. I realize that I am having a hard time in finding and doing work, because I also am fearing being alone. This happens because when I present myself it is within the desire of no longer being alone, so that is what I communicate in who I am, in my presence. I realize that how I act, and what I say, is not the real me, because I am acting within fear of being alone when talking and behaving with people. I realize how the fear of being alone or the desire to no longer be alone, is creating great consequences for me, and has in the past as well.

I realize that in a greater context, that in history, that groups of people, and whole countries and societies start wars based on fear of being alone. This is how. One person, lets say me, is afraid of being alone, so I join a group of people. I then do what they say. I follow them because I fear being alone. So one day, the group has a conflict with another group. So like the saying goes "you are either with me or against me." So because i fear being alone, I join in the fight. I participate in war. This is how war is created and perpetuated, through the point of fearing being alone.

I realize that fear of being alone has become normal for me, so normal that I didn't even see it, and saw how I felt while alone is normal. I realized that I have defined a great extent of who I am, in my history, memory, past, self-story, self-definition, etc... based on and interconnected with the fear of being alone. Because this is the case, it will take time to change. I realize that if I change, that my life will be much better. That how I speak will be more me, more clear, that who I am will be more clear to me. I realize that by changing this I will empower me within work, within presentation, within communication.

I share this writing for me, and so for all.
Thank you

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