“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, July 14, 2017

Day 3 Fear of being Alone and My Greatest Desire

Fear of Being Alone.
We do a lot in the name of NOT being Alone.

I have done a lot. How much?

I went into years of depression because I had people in my life. I had the attention, the love, the admiration, the worship, celebration, care. I felt needed and wanted, I felt I belonged. I felt like this is who I am, I found myself, this where I am supposed to be and do.

All of this that I felt and thought was a lie. Because these feelings are lies. These thoughts are lies. This positivity, this bliss, this pleasure is a lie.

How can feeling good be a lie?

I was part of some people's everyday life. I got to know them. They would smile at me, and I would make them happy. When I would make they happy, laugh and have fun, I felt amazing. I felt complete, I felt great, I felt wonderful and bliss. This is all I ever wanted to do forever. Just make them happy. I wanted to keep them in my life, and I wanted them to keep me in their lives.

I wanted to own them and be owned. I wanted that to be All that I am, I wanted it to be permanent and forever.

And it ended.

I felt like shit, like horrible, like life meaningless and nothing. I lost sense of reality, I lost touch with the physical. I lost myself.

How? Why?

Because the very first day I was there I sold my soul. I made the deal with the devil. The first time I felt that bliss, I saw it and I accepted it. I chose to walk that path. If I had chosen no, to not feel this way, to not be this way, and still spend time with these people and helping them, then things would have been different. I would have been the real me, I would have been stable, and supportive and clear. Instead I was compromised. I was tainted, corrupted through feelings, through bliss.

Without Light you cannot have Dark. So by accepting the Deal with the Angels/Light, I accepted the Deal with the Dark and Devils. I created my own suffering the day I chose to follow the Light and Bliss. I may not have felt it yet, but it was there already created, right alongside the bliss.

The need, the want, the desire to belong. The need/want to be wanted and needed. The desire to be a part. These are all lies.

Your own damnation is sealed once you leave yourself and split yourself into two parts, Light and Dark. Separation is Hell.

The truth is oneness and equality. The truth is standing by my body. The truth is in forgiving, stopping and letting go of all the Feelings, of all the positivity, and all the negativity and all the emotions. Stopping the thoughts. It is not natural and normal to create relationships based on feelings. It's common, but its not normal. What is normal is stability, clarity, standing for what best for all.

This has been the most difficult thing for me. My greatest temptation, which is People. People paying attention to me, revering me, liking me. People are my greatest desire. I have fallen in this before and I may fall in this again. But I will be damned if I let this happen again without giving it everything I got. So I already am making my plans. I am writing out my moments where I fall. I am describing how I feel and I am doing self-forgiveness. Next time I feel this way I will stop it in the moment. In the face of getting what I desire most, I will stop the feelings. This will be the most challenging thing I have ever done so far. And afterwards it will be great. I can't wait to see who I will be, and what I will accomplish thanks to this change.


 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a bolt of electricity up my spine when I am speaking to another from a point of knowledge and understanding where it looks like I am connecting with them based on knowledge, and opinion, and information, where it looks like we will form a bond and I won't be alone, because they will be with me now, following me because of my information, knowledge and views.

When and as I see myself having such a conversation with someone where I speak, or I am making a speech, and I look into their eyes and I believe that they are really listening to me and I feel this bolt of energy moving up my spine where I feel the excitement, thrill, and hope- I stop and I breathe - I realize that this is my desire to be with people and form connections, and so also my fear of being alone - I realize that this is my greatest desire- I realize that I must stop myself in the moment- I realize I cannot allow this to continue because its not real, and it is affecting me and how I speak and what I say because I will surely follow the temptation to change what I say and who I am so I can connect with the person by being agreeable.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into depression, sadness, apathetic, sorrow and lonesome after I lose the source, the connection, the reason for my previous high, bliss, pleasure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend, protect and resist all opposition that threatens my connections with people, which are  giving me pleasure, feelings, joy, meaning, purpose, fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in and give up my soul, my self, my being, in exchange for connecting with people and owning people, and having people in my life, and feeling revered, loved, cared about, needed and wanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not equally focus on forgiving feelings and positivity as much as I forgave emotions and negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into temptation, the temptation of feeling good, and happy, and relaxed, and so give in into doing nothing, being nothing, except just being exactly and whatever it is that gives me this feeling, and so essentially being an addict, a devout follower of feeling/bliss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my state of depression, tiredness and lethargy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my state of bliss, happiness and enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this and stopping this and ending this state of bliss happiness, and tiredness and depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself in the face of my greatest desire and temptation, people.

When and as I see myself falling into temptation, the bliss, the enjoyment of people, of attention, of being wanted/needed - I stop and I breathe - I realize I can breath here and be physical and physically stop the energies that are moving within me - I realize that the more I allow this energy, the more grasp it has within me - I realize that the more I stop allowing this energy, the more I gain back control, say and direction of my life- I realize that living within energy, bliss, and depression, lethargy,  is not living at all, and I must do everything I can to end this and stop this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to belong and be apart of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel company.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do whatever it takes to have company or companions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want partners and friendships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to serve people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to bring joy and happiness in other people's lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to capture and keep people in my life, through my words, and service and favors, and helpfulness, and what I give them.

I realize it is unhealthy and not good to have relationship of any kind where they only exist because of how helpful you are to the other person, how good you are and how much you give, and the only thing you receive is feelings.

I realize feelings are always unhealthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to say thankyou to me, and receive that attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be cheered, and celebrated, and treated like a hero or God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to be happy to see me and smile when seeing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to be happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves because of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself in order to receive the feelings, the bliss, the attention and enjoyment for as long as it lasts.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about me and what I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I feel, and what I get out of a situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life about bliss, pleasure and happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself ot live as if the world revolves around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing opportunities for me to support others pass by because I am more interested in whatever made them happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a hedonistic life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others, and to accept and allow others to abuse others, in the name of what make everyone Happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to serve happiness, instead of serving what is best.

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