“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Speaking me

I am seeing a problem that I have created for myself many times when I speak or write. This problem arises after I take actions to manipulate and change what I say so it doesn't fully match what I really say within myself. What is going on here? Why is this happening?

I have been through many moments throughout my life where people did not understand what I mean to say. Though a question to ask myself is whether I actually said what I mean to say? I have struggled with communication for a long time. Why am I having difficulty saying what I mean?

Within me there is like this wall of fear. Where it is as if my words start out genuine from within me, but it passes through this wall and it changes like a filter. The result is what I speak. It is like have some complex set of rules and conditions that I must follow when speaking or writing, and I can't break those rules. Why? What are these rules?

One rule is that when writing I must avoid repeating words, because it is annoying to the reader to keep reading repeated words.

Another rule is that you need to ease things for the reader, and introduce it for them to understand it.

Another rule is to always consider your audience when speaking or writing.

Another rule is to always be specific and mean what you say. It must be precise, mathematical, flawless, perfect.

Another rule is that you must entertain your reader and you must teach them something.

Another rule is to use a diverse set of vocabulary by using as many different words as possible.

Most of these rules I learned from my teachers who told us how to write a good essay. So this is how I wrote my essays, which I received the highest marks or grades for them. Though what I am seeing is that I had integrated these rules on a deep level of myself where I wasn't specific or fully aware of the extent that I was in fact living these rules universally throughout my daily life. Where it has become a pattern of speaking and writing in so many contexts, outside of the essay or assignment context.

It feels like I have lost touch with what it really means to speak myself, partially because I am always worried how another person is going to take it or understand it. Because I have defined who I am when I speak or write dependent on the evaluation or what results from me speaking or writing. And that result or evaluation I take on as my self-definition and as feedback to change myself accordingly. It feels natural to just listen to feedback from other people and change according to what they say, and it feels unnatural to decide who I am and then be and become that, where it is unimportant when there is feedback from others that say no. It feels unnatural to do certain things, which I don't do or haven't done.

But I see directly in my life how when I have spoken and it doesn't make sense, how that relates to how I changed what I said. And I have in those rare moments received feedback from others that I was very clear and understood in moments where I had in fact shared myself without restrictions.





Because if I am honest with me, when I change what I say, I am not so focused on whether it actually make sense, but rather whether it follows the rules that I believe are for good communication. And in moments where I actually revise what I say, I end up changing it many times over, because I know it doesn't make sense, or that something is off with it. Yet I have accepted and allowed this as this is what I have done and this is done for my "best communication possible."

So now I am challenging myself to be different and open the doors to a different way or speaking and communicating. One that reflects me exactly. A communication that is me. This feels unnatural. This is an effort. This is new.

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