“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, June 18, 2016

How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone


So I was doing some self-investigation today and I realized something. I was looking at human connections, and how I haven't realized that connections between people is something that is out of my control, or at least not completely in my control. Because what I am seeing when I reflect on my past is that I have a grievance in relation to perhaps 100 people, or many many people that I have met and known, where I wish, want, and blame myself for not keeping the relationship here, for it ending or not going further than it had. Though now with having a more discerning eye and self-honesty, I can see how in fact that for all human relationships that the connection you have is temporary. So for example I can see how 2 people meet and have a connection, and that connection will last any amount of time, it can be a second, a day, a week, a month, a year, or more. That initial connection forming is out of the hands of the people. For example, someone can't decide just to have a connection with someone. Because it takes two people, and it depends on who they people are usually, and for example what they are going through, what phases they are going through, whether they are moving, or other factors. There are things that determine whether a connection is there between people, and this is out of anyone's hands.

So when I look further, I see that the best example for connection is like a small flame or small spark of a fire, like a candle. So you are walking around and there you find a candle. That represents the connection between two people, you and someone else. So after you find that connection or flame, then you have the power and control to foster than flame, build that flame, build the fire. So firstly, there is a skill of recognizing that there is a flame. Because for many they may not even see it. And secondly there is another problem, where someone doesn't recognize or see that indeed a flame is gone. A connection that ends could be for many reasons, which are out of your control. They can be the need to move to a new city, it can be death, it can be changes or shifts in a person's life, and also who they are may change, these are just some of the reasons for ending of a connection. Though the problem that happens is when a person doesn't understand or recognize a connection has ended and it is outside of their control. Where they remember there being a connection and seeing now there isn't anymore, so they go out looking for that connection again, and they may blame themselves for not keeping the connection alive. So what needs to be understood is that we don't have complete control or power. We are not able to just make a connection anywhere. For example, you can't just build a flame or fire anywhere, like in the soaking rain for example. And this is out of your control.

So, there is a problem I see where we think that we can do anything, and form a connection with any person. The same as thinking I can just build a fire anywhere. When that is not how creation works, though that is what I thought creation was like. I though that creation meant I can create anything, anywhere. When in reality, creation is more like searching for a flame that you can then foster, grow, support, and build. Creation is more of a patience, and also caretaking movement, of a nurturing force. Creation isn't just something forced or done anywhere. You can't force a seed to grow faster than it grows. All you can do is to support it, create an environment that fosters growth. The same with you/me in our lives. Focusing on creating an environment for our growth is how we grow well. And it takes time, plenty of time.

So  I releasing all the blame now with understanding. The blame towards myself for the connections not being here. When it was out of my control. Instead I recognize that a connection is simply there. It is either there or it isn't. So to be clear, when you work with someone this doesn't require a connection, because the work you are doing is what brings you together to do the work. And a connection is something mutual, or at least that is the only way it can work. A connection isn't something one way. And also there is no point to holding onto the memory of a connection, in hopes of creating it again or keeping it alive. A connection between two people is not there then it isn't there. It requires two. For me, I have been holding onto my memories of past connections, within self-blame and hope. A connection is something that is more easier, and not something forced. It is there. THough while building the fire, yes it requires effort, time, diligence, though it is all doable. If it is hard, you are making it hard through the mind. It will challenge you for sure, but it will flow. A connection that is stagnant, is not a connection anymore. Sometimes a connection will be challenged, so within this time you only give what you can give, and if it doesn't survive the challenge then it doesn't survive. It's not completely in your control because it involves so many other things, including another person, as well as everything going on in their lives and also in your life.

The analogy I am using to support myself is imagining walking through a dark woods at night, and as you walk you will encounter small flames or sparks. These are potential connections. You can stop by these sparks and nurture them into a fire. But how long they will last is not up to you, because suddenly something like a the rain or other outside factor will cause the flame to end. This isn't your fault, its just time to move on. Though you do determine with the time you do have with the flame, your part of nurturing the flame, that is where your power and responsibility lies. So when a flame ends, you just walk. How much time between finding the next flame is not up to you. For some it will be quick, others much longer. This isn't what is important. It is just a part of life. One part. And it is here as part of your own self-development and those of others. It is something mutual, and something that is best for all.


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