“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Destiny calls, who will I become? 266


So I have a lot to share in this blog. You see, I will covering what I did tonight, and as well as a draft of a blog I wrote on leadership. So I ask for some patience, because there is a very significant nugget of realization here for me, which is kind of a decision in itself, surprisingly.

Paramore. So this is a band, whose music I was exploring and rocking out to for the past year. I remember when I bought their latest album about this time last year 2014. And I went to their concert that July. Sooooo. Tonight, just 1.5 hours ago, as I write this, I finish going to my 2nd concert. The most important thing that the reader, you should know, about this band, is the sincerity and honesty that have developed. Sooooo. This point of them committing to and sticking with themselves is what brought them the greatest success thus far in their music career. So for me, I have been lost, frankly, in what to do, and so really who to be. Who am I? This question clearly indicates I am lost, if you read it carefully. So this is where the draft I wrote in my blog comes in.

"The Ideal Leader, for me would be someone vulnerable, open, honest, sincere, trustworthy, keeping his word/promises, relaxed, calm, being able to discuss deep personal issues, believes that people have a potential for greatness, cares for everyone not just himself, and naturally quiet, meaning he is not trying to convince you of anything, manipulate you to do anything, but is simply here with you in this moment, acting in commonsense."


So I have always seen this part of me, who i am naturally, as not being here, expressed in every moment. There are beliefs, thoughts, emotions, feelings, which design and purpose are to make sure I am not expressed. Now that I have been walking the Desteni tools for several years, I have finally started to accept and live that all emotions, any emotions, thoughts, feelings, at all, is unacceptable, and I must as my first response is to step out of them, so that I myself can step through.

So this Ideal leader I wrote about, consists of my natural qualities. I can say honestly that I haven't made this qualities into my everyday living expression, and that is what I must do, despite my reservation, resistances, thoughts, and emotional reactions, and feeling reactions. Despite the fear that it will ruin my life and completely isolate me from people. Because I have shown to myself, fear is just me, it's not reality. I only have this one life so, am I actually going to do this in my life, at all, to be me? I have to ask myself, why is it so difficult to be myself? Because within that it seems to be the greatest reward just waiting for me.

As an observation, being myself, I constantly have doubts, constantly. And these are emotional doubts. It really does feel like the most difficult thing. It seems easier to just try and be someone else, which when I look in recent years, I have tried doing that. So during these past years there's certainly been a shift taking place, where first I would treat my emotional and feeling reactions, and thoughts as the real me, like me feeling difficulty and doubting myself is my real self, and so my "real self" communicating to me that I shouldn't do this (which actually is what I am identifying now as the actual me, natural self.) So it's quite a shift now. Is it any easier? I still have to walk through the resistances, and reactions, but I am at have a better understanding about who I am. And like i said in the beginning of the blog, I am lost, and have been lost. But now, after this show, and within the show I was rocking out, being myself, and facing my reactions in real time, and in real time, centering myself again, it is becoming apparent now, what I must do. I must be me.

Reflecting where I am now, what has assisted and supported me is seeing who I am not. I am not these thoughts, emotional reactions, and energies, including feeling reactions. This is MUCH easier said than done. I actually had to see it and realize, through making MISTAKES, plenty of them, and entering into possessions and reactions. You could say I was stubborn, but looking at the situation, I have been like this throughout my whole life, you know? So there really wasn't another way. I guess what helped me was having the right attitude, being humble, and willing to learn and admit to making a mistake.

Okay, so I am ready to be me, and I do this not only for me, which I am very much so doing it for, but also for everyone else that is not living their true self. Because I can see, by doing this process of becoming me, it will have a domino effect onto others.

So watch out world, here comes Yogan.

No comments:

Post a Comment