“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Being Quiet Part 2 Day245




Quest-ion: what is a connection with another person?

So this is a question I have. So in scanning my memories, of all relationships with any human beings... in general I perceived my relationships as one sided, meaning that how I felt did not have any necessary connection or influence on how another person felt. This statement of observation was shown to me many times, wherein I would feel good around certain people and connected with them, yet the relationship would end or drift apart. This tells me one thing, that people couldn't perceive how I felt, nor who I am, such as what I think. And to be able to perceive that, would require that it be spoken/expressed. I notice that I didn't often expressed what I perceived or felt. And when I did on a rare occasion, people would be shocked/startle to see this side of me, or perhaps should I say me. 

So I noticing something quite funny right now. Look at this: I was known as quiet, and a select people enjoyed this, and say this as a good thing. So guess what? I continued like that because I felt good being quiet, because of their comments and perceptions. Though am I quiet? Is that all I am? Of course not! Yet that is what I lived the majority of my life because of this self-relationship I just described in feeling good/validated because this is who I am, and this "being quiet" is positive/good. I even lived/thought the statement that people should be more quiet. So this was a personal value/self-definition, and I even called it (per people's suggestions) as part of my nature, even born like this (old soul). So within this all there is one extremely important point, I was supported by other people's beliefs in creating the content of this self-definition. As a baby, I wouldn't have thought or ever considered, "I am an old soul." No people gave that to me. I also would never thought "people should be quiet" or that "it is good to be quiet, so I will be quiet." No, people gave me that. These are the sins of the father/mother/culture. And this is what I took on as my self-definition, and called as my being, or Real Self. When really the act of being quiet is just one action. Being quiet is not who I am, being quiet is an action taken in a moment. Yet I notice that action/behavior is what content we use to describe a person's nature/self. For example, the action of swimming. You can call someone a Swimmer. And that can be a self-definition where then you think "I am a swimmer." And that then forms a personality of being a swimmer. The same thing happened with me. And we do this in conversation, labeling one another. We ask: "What do you do?" and people say "I am a lawyer, or doctor or teacher." The action/behavior becomes a personality. The action of Studying. The personality: Student. The action of stealing. Personality: thief. The action of hoarding/hiding valuables: Personality: Greedy. 

so in all self-honesty: are we greedy, thieves, students, lawyers, doctors, teachers, swimmers? The answer is clear. Do you swim? Yes or no? Do you hoard? Yes or No? Do you steal? Yes or No? Do you study? Yes or No? So simply, we perform actions or we don't. We have added Extraneous values to our actions/verbs. 

For example with me, Being Quiet, I added the value of it being good, preferable, higher, better, more pristine, pure, more considerate, caring, cautious, etc... Is this what the act of being quiet is? Not the universal action itself, though on a relative standing point a person may be living several words at once. So simplistically, no way. And is it beneficial to have these extra definitions? No, its actually harmful. So in essence we have tainted our verbs/actions and created personalities out of them. And keep in mind that the personality may have a negative self-definition. The one I am describing just happened to be positive. 

To make the consequences of having this personality explicit: I would be unnecessarily quiet, within caution, and within feeling good/higher, and perceiving me as pristine or more pure. I would refrain from speaking even when I wanted to, simply because of a fear of disrupting someone else, or making some effect onto them with what I said, without knowing or possibly predicting how they respond because it would be something unique/rare/unpredictable. So in sum, I would seek for being quiet. I would strive for being quiet. It was seen/perceived as what was good/ideal/right. And that was Who I am. So that is the lie. 

Personally this personality point is a milestone for me, because throughout my whole life, I accepted being quiet as who I am, and even the times where I was looking for ways to express me, there was this experience in the background like a knowing/acceptance that being quiet is a part of who I am, and so it being a backdoor to simply being quiet when things got difficult, or I was in a difficult situation or I didn't know what to do. Now I am calling it what it is, a personality system, that took one verb/word/action of being quiet, and used that as its basis, filled with positive values, that isn't who I am as the total me, yet that is what I secretly believed. This personality served as a justification, wherein the statement "this is just who I am, I am quiet" was made many many times. And it was reinforced by ALL of the adults in my life. Literally the adults saw/believed this to be me. And the adults did make it a positive belief, basically summarized as "children/students should be quiet." 

I obviously have much to say, and I am not "quiet" as who I am, as the action of not speaking. Your entirety of self cannot be one action, that's just crazy. We are all capable of so many actions/movements. To limit ourselves to one, two or three, is insanity, and a lie. 

So if I look now at the original question: What is a connection with people? I would say this now. That any connections with other people, wherein you are living as your personality, cannot possibly be real/valid. In essence because I wasn't here/present, but me as my personality was. Because its evident that when I start living/expressing me, not within a personalty system, but simply me, that that is first of all real, and is noticeably different, which can reach the point where other people won't recognize you and be shocked in seeing the real you. So in essence I would say you may need to start your relationships over, which I am not saying it happens in an instant, it will probably take some time, though it is something new. A new connection, and perhaps a more real connection, because a real person is now involved, can be established. Are you real?

So if I take me as an example: I have things to say. I would be, theoretically, no longer striving to be quiet, because I dropped that self-definitions and positive values. That is such a major shift. From someone that doesn't speak to someone that does speak. And I have points of views and perspectives. Wow! So obviously people in my past will be like what? Who are you? And some may enjoy this new me and others might not. And some may take longer to accept that this is me. So will my old relationships radically change? Yes, by the definition that I have changed. And my new relationships will take on a radically different dynamic. Where before I would be quiet, and now I speak. Speaking changes things people!

A major difference within writing all of the above is that now when I see the thought/movement/experience of being quiet within me, I recognize it and see it as a system. Whereas before I saw it as my being or myself, or my inherent self. It really is just a system that responds habitually in a way towards a great number of situations, thus being the dominant response/reaction I lived. I also now see the ridiculousness of revering a person that is quiet, and seeing/calling a quiet person as special, or more than the rest. I also now see and stop relating to and having a special feeling for other "quiet people" because I now understand how this system worked with me, and that being quiet is just an action one takes on, nothing more or less. They could have a similar system as I had. Probably so, because people, you may notice, limit themselves to 1, 2, or 3 expressions. So this limitation already indicates that a person is living within acceptance and allowance of a system. 

So there is/was this part of me, that I am now removing, where I would see "being quiet" as an indication of a mature child, or gifted child. Or special, just like how I believed was the case for me. Thus I would have been destined to carry the sins of the father to the next generation, because such beliefs would be expressed through me, my words, and language, to the young children, like the adults did with me, I would have done, and may already have done, the same with the new children.

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