“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Always living according to what is morally right, losing all self-direction. That is my life in a sentence. Now I am starting to live my principle, what is best for all, however my eyes are tainted by the law of good and evil, or shall I say glasses. Feeling good within following the law, feeling as all is in peace or alignment because I am following the law, the law of God, what is right or just or good. The seed or soil where righteousness is born, or brought forth. The law. Punishment, retribution, delivery of reward and rewarding justice.
I was destined to be a Guru. There is not a doubt about that. A guru follows the law. There is karmic law and spiritual law, and the law of God. A guru also does not question the money system, he or she actually supports it, and gets everyone else to keep participating within the money system. A guru will amass many followers, who spend endless hours devoting to him or her. A guru is like a police to make sure the system stays in place, and to also trap those who might wish to find an answer to the system, by providing an answer that is filled with both truth and lies, so as to give disinformation, and mislead the person. I know, because I have actually done this and practiced this. And the reasons for this is the same reason noted above, which is really pathetic when you look at it for what it is: to follow the law, the law of god, for god, to serve god. I would practice on what to say, to get people to do what I wanted to them to do, to align to the law of god, or what is morally or karmically correct. I used intimidation, a passive aggressiveness, inserting thoughts through words to create a self-judgment, or belief that the person is doing wrong or what is not right or not following the law of law of God. I was in a way like a mind police. I would police people in my life, and domain, to follow the one true path, the path of God. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, there was complete acceptance. I could say, from a limited point of view, still more aware of how things actually worked than those I policed. That was how I could police them. I understood, more or less, how to functionally work with thoughts, and manipulate the thought patterns of others through my words and actions. It was only conscious thoughts, or the surface thoughts, as I would use statements that others would take on for themselves, or to create an intended belief about themselves from what I said. And I would feel this energy, like asserting and punishing them, as if they did something wrong for breaking the law or rules of the institution, or social rules or board game rules. Everyone who broke the rules or law were acting in an evil manner, and evil was defined for me as someone who consistently acts evil. So they required to be rectified and brought back in alignment. This is a base program for me, which only now am I really facing in a significant capacity. I judge my father as evil because he consistently broke the law, and broke promises and agreements, even when he had valid excuses or reasons. I would not take those reasons or excuses into consideration. This is proof I was really a computing robot, not self-aware or able to work multi-dimensionally, or freely. I was bound to the law, and those who broke the law have to be charged, and so I would charge within myself and carry out the charge. This lead to a separate relationship with my Father. I would always try to change him, but I never could. I see this as one gift he has given me.
Living the way I did, life seemed simple, and the answer to everything was clear. I felt and believed sincerely or at least adamantly, that I had the answer to everything, and that if anyone were to give me a question about life, or how to live, I had the answer. And I literally felt it, that I had the answer. It felt like a security but also like a fear of losing it and needing to maybe defend it, and so attack others, if necessary. I also felt like I would be fighting for God, almost like a Crusader or Martyr. I felt holy and just in whatever I would need to do, because I was on the right side. This also lead to a resentment towards people, because I felt I was holy, and on the right side, and so pure, and so people should have adorned me, and followed me, especially when everyone else was breaking the law all the time, and were not just like me. I felt entitled to be loved and adorned, and this stuck to me my whole life, and this lead to a friction with everyone, and I only sought to rectify this by becoming a great teacher or guru and so show people my greatness, and exemplify it. This is essentially the path of generating followers. This is, or was, my original path to become a Guru, which of course changed. However the underlying system has been present this whole time.
I notice how the other day I suggested we create a system of rules for something, which is cool, however it was spoken from a point of necessity, like I can't function without a sort of rule, because I do not wish to break the rule, in case there is some secret underlying social rule I am unaware of. So its like a paranoia in respect to breaking rules. Also the exact same thing, with breaking the law, also a paranoia. As a child I also would like to the know the exact laws of the board game, and trusted them, and felt better when following them. I would also get upset if someone broke a rule in a game, or school rule. Also the general paranoia extends towards the punishment especially. There is a fear of evil inherent, and also existing a reliance or dependence, of some outside source of Good, or God. Within this obviously is a reliance on authority. Also fearing people that are completely free, that decide for themselves, who do not have the same morality or system as me. A fear connected to criminals, and evil-doers, and fear of being harmed or hurt, essentially dying. I before had judged this as control issues, but really, it is the fear that control is not in the hands of a one source, which in essence would be the actual rules or laws themselves. I notice that we human beings find comfort in having one law or system, governing us, that we can follow. So its almost like the fear of no longer having a set of rules or laws guiding and directing us, telling us what to do. The fear of being self-directed and self-responsible. From my observations, that fear is instilled and taught through punishment or negative experiences that are associated to true acts of self-direction and self-responsibility in early childhood, which includes all moments from birth. Every time the parent says "No don't do that" that is a suppression of the child's ability to direct and learn, and thus the natural development of responsibility through consequence. There is no true communication occurring, it is only a reaction that is being transferred onto the child, creating a suppression, specifically a fear of exploring, self-directing, being self-responsible, and creating, instead, a reliance on the parents for guidance, and asking the parents for permission, and, essentially, the answer to everything.
If a baby were to stand up and say no, and stand his ground no matter what, than he would be self-directive his whole life. We each have that potential. In essence, mine, and everyone process, is taking back our original decisions, and re-deciding to stand our ground.
Im just opening this point up for myself, and it is unfortunately my bed time, sleep calls... So I will stop here and continue next time.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Anxiety about the future, and enthusiasm about the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about what the future holds in store.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel enthusiastic about what the future holds in store, and so miss the present, what is here, as the only place that exists and where the future is only created; it all starts with what is here.
When and as I see my mind running wild about the future, I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back here - I realize that the future is not real per se, but it is a useful word to refer to the consequences or acts of creation that only manifest through continued and sustained participation with what is here.
I commit myself to participate with and as the things that are here, to manifest the so desired creation, the creation that is aligned with what is best for everyone.
I still feel nervous. Perhaps this is to be expected. I feel better now.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
I googled on what would case bad breath an halitosis. There are a number of factors, excluding diseases and tooth cavities, they include food particles that remain in the mouth that allow for bacteria to grow, which can be on the tongue and also in between the teeth. Their solutions where to brush throughly and floss well to remove all food particles, and to keep the mouth well hydrated. Other options included using a mouth rinsing product that kills germs. They also mentioned how eating foods that smell such as onions and garlic, will create a smell because the food enters into the blood stream and eventually reaches the lungs, where the smell is actually in the air you exhale from the lungs. When this occurs, the only thing one can do is wait for it to pass through the body, or mask the smell.
I don't floss regularly, so I would say this would be one serious factor. Something I observed is how when I brush my teeth, how there remains sometimes food on the back of my teeth near the gums. Something I would do when I was younger, would be to pick my teeth gently in the back with my finger nails, and this would work to remove the white food stuff. At least while in the privacy of my home I would say that is ok, and I can wash my hands afterwards.
So these are three things I need to do regularly, at least once a day if not twice. Floss, brush, and use my finger nail to pick the sides. I will test this out, and report later on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist implementing a new daily habit of brushing, flossing, and teeth picking, which is done for my benefit of ensuring my mouth doesn't smell bad.
I commit myself to remind myself to immediately check and clean my teeth, before I leave the house, and also in the morning when I wake up, and at night right before going to bed.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Passion to walk this process for oneself.
If everyone you knew, disappeared out of your life, would you still seek to correct the problems you created?
If yes, then that means you are doing this process for yourself. If no, then you are not doing it 100% for you. I suggest to align yourself so that no matter what the situation may be, you will walk this process of self-correction for you 100%. I spent a great deal of time, creating imaginary situations that I picture in my mind, to test me, so that no matter what foreseeable future were to occur I would stand no matter what to make sure this gets done. What I notice, while doing this, the point of this was facing the fears and the "weaknesses" that one has allowed. You know how in movies or video games, the bad guys or good guys have a weakness? Well, its like that. Its about identifying your weakness, so you can prepare if such a circumstance would occur, because this process is really about standing in whatever dimension imaginable, because if you fall or change your starting point and principles you are living by, because the situation changes, then your standing is not absolute.
Just as a point of sharing, no ego here (can a person say no ego, without there being ego? hmmm) I already prepared myself that in case I had to walk this process alone, meaning if everyone said sayanara, goodbye, I would stand, because really its for me, and who I choose to be, and I walk this for everyone, not just myself, because I remember what it was like before I was introduced to process, and now I have an answer, and so conceivably someone else is out there right now in the position I was in, and I have the answer that was given to me, so I am obligated to stand and continue to share it. So it still relates back to me, you see? This is also what it means by closing all back doors.
There is something else important to note. I now have a greater appreciation for everyone still walking process, and are walking process this moment, because, you know what, they are here. That's something to recognize, be grateful for, and appreciate. So it is to recognize who is here now, and if they say goodbye, you just say goodbye. But while they are here (because remember we all have a certain amount of time before we clock out) to appreciate them, and enjoy them, haha!
Within that too is self-appreciation that I made the commitment and went as far as I did, and all of the things I have given me along the way. If I didn't do what I did in the past, I wouldn't be here where I am now, so I am grateful towards myself for that. The same goes for everything I received from everyone along the way, even if they may be "gone" now. Even looking back before I was born, there were many individuals, going back all the generations, that if they didn't make their specific decisions and pushed through difficult times, I also wouldn't be here in the position I am now. Literally everything I have, everything, had been given to me, including this body. So I am grateful for all of that and I can only hope to give (or plan to give, or already start now) as much or more in return. Im sure some people have read the Giving Tree. I always am reminded of that point, and giving, sacrifice, love, and genuine caring for another person, to the ultimate degree. There is a sadness reaction towards reading that book since the human did not get the lesson or really appreciate or learn from the tree. What's cool to remind myself is that its just a story, and I can decide who I am. And so I write my own story as me as the character, where I actually appreciate the tree, and life, and everything, and care for it all within balance, not taking more than I need, and giving back to everything, to ensure the awareness of life to be born, and to making this a fucking cool place for kids, haha.
why are you so quiet? ANd what could I say to that. “I don’t know,” which by saying that I am admitting and accepting that I am quiet, that quiet is part of who I am.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
I found that I was addicted to anger, to revenge and all the other negative emotions. When I had the proper excuse I would become anger, and express it, receiving a sort of high. I would instigate conflict with those around me. I would probe and push people's buttons. I enjoyed it. I even enjoyed self-pity, and playing the victim. It was a game of emotions.
Like with any addiction, the best place to start is by stopping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my negative emotions, sadness, anger, pity, jealousy etc... within and as enjoyment, creating a dependency, an addiction, and tendency to create these emotions regularly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy to reveling in and experiencing my emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create situations and escalate situations, so that I can participate in my emotions more deeply.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out people to be with and hang around so that I can participate in anger, arguing, and fighting, instead of peace, understanding and genuine conversation.
Peace is the only sustainable reality
When and as I see myself feeling emotional - I stop and I breathe- I realize that emotions do not create peace, only war.
I commit myself to seek out people, and build relationships founded on peace, understanding, and genuine conversation.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I see it that I should see my father, and mother, as one and equal to me, the child. Also that all children and parents and other family members, regardless of age or experience are one and equal.
So my father is just as destructible and vulnerable as I am. I also am capable of earning money and buying things for me. I realize I need to speak one and equal to my father, meaning that I see him as equal to me, not above or below, but one. So there are no pressures or fear, its just like being with myself, exactly like that.
I have already looked at this point in the past, how we make some individuals as better or more for being a certain age, or holding a certain position. For example, how the teacher is never wrong, or how parents know everything. When really that is far from the truth. So we need to become vulnerable and honest, and admit to making mistakes, and capable of being fallible. Because otherwise I have this tendency to feel like I shouldn't make mistakes. Because mistakes are suppressed, instead of revealed and shown for what they are, and accepted so that REAL growth and learning is possible. Also, how the extent of our knowledge will always be limited, as there will always be someone who knows something we don't, because let's admit it, this world is huge! and there are Billions of people on it, let alone all the plants, animals, and geographical areas that exist uniquely all over.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from admitting to and being aware of making mistakes, and having instead suppressed them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from being limited in every capacity, in time, in space, in perception, in knowledge, in memories, in what I can do in each moment, in being an individual that is only one point among a vast ocean of points that together constitute this existence as a whole.
When and as I see myself viewing another as great or mighty- I stop and I breathe- I realize that we are all one and equal, and any perception that deviates from that, is an illusion.
I commit myself to live up to my potential as a human being, by admitting to and learning from my mistakes, and being aware of and accepting my limitations.
Sex. No not the intercourse, definition, but the Male/Female distinction. I see very little real distinction between Male and Female. I recall a time when I was a child where that difference didn't mean anything more than, what color shirt you were wearing, or how long your hair was, or your eye color, or skin color. It was just an arbitrary thing, one of those unique features that distinguish us. A little difference in height, your favorite food, etc... It didn't matter, it wasn't important. I still feel that way, and I prefer to feel that way. I am not ignorant to the fact that there are some noticeable consequences that are inherently biological, since Male/Female is a biological or physical difference. Women have slightly larger hips, and can give birth, as one distinction. But the rest is the same, for the most part. I have observed how we have created a way of life for one type of sex, and another way of life for the other type of sex, which we have learned to accept and actually live as who we are, and define us according to that which was given, and not in fact, created by us, as something original. We are copies or clones in this respect.
Having read what I wrote, I recall a rather special day, where I was fortunate to find out a girl that I was already acquainted with and had a chance to speak with on several occasions, had a partner who was female. Having heard this there was like this weight lifted off of me, and I started being myself. I spoke freely, I shared my observations freely, I smiled and laughed freely, I shared freely, everything was light, with no stress or second thought. It was because of this whole system within me to worry and fear, because of this complication in the mind of behaving a certain way to not offend someone or give the wrong signal, or romantic feelings, or sexual attractions. It was just two beings being here, and that's it, and it was wonderful. Its better than sex.
I would wish to live this way everyday for as long as I am aware. And it all starts with me. By removing sexual attraction, romantic feelings, by removing this system, I can be free to talk to both sexes, as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sexually attracted to, feel romantic feelings, towards any one, man, woman, child, shape or form of any sort in existence, whether it be virtual, physical, a memory, or something in my immediate environment.
When and as I see myself feeling attracted or romantic feelings towards something- I stop and I breathe- I realize that I'm done with feeling this way, as its just a prison, and is a suppression of who I really am.
I commit myself to express me, who I really am, and what I see, observe, perceive, realize, and understand.
There's not much to write about. Except on this resistance of posting something of this nature. This is a judgement. There isn't a mind point to write about. This is simply a sharing about tonight walk with Shana.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
I am considering that this resistance is a veil, so its not something I can take down in one go. i can however, write down one thread of this veil, which would be writing out this blog and thus acting out this action of sharing.
So, there were many moments, during the past days where I was given the opportunity to create conflict with something or someone. Something I find assistive to me is to provide a broad overview of these instances, because then I can look at the overall pattern by taking these instances and seeing what they all have in common.
I started embracing and liking eveyone's facebook point, as I sign of support, as well as commenting from a starting point of support. So in essence being non-threating and accepting of their decisions/choices. Also, not asking them to change.
I listened to and followed all of my mothers requests, and was grateful within and as myself that she reminded me to clean my room and my dishes.
I said yes to my fathers with points that he expressed, seeing the value of his word and perspective, even though within me there were points that I wanted to expressed, I held back and said yes, listening to him. Within understanding him, I could better respond and speak, to give specific support related to him and his life experience. I also learned things that I never knew or could imagine possible for him to live, which gave great insight.
So those are three examples, and there seems to be a pattern, hmmmmmm.......
I would stop myself, and breathe, I wouldn't speak immediately, but also assess first, how/who can I be so that I can be a point of support for this person that has entered my immediate presence. I have been doing this with strangers, which sometimes involves guess-work, though one point is clear, that when a person is excited, and energetic, like their voice is raising, to be calm and relax, and gentle in my voice as well as being agreeable. This movement worked for calming me down, and so far it works for others as well.. Another application is taking a noticeable deep breath, which the sound can be heard by the other person, reminding them to breathe, and be aware of their breath.
Something I did with my dog, hahahaha, I would make a high pitch hum sound that would make him excited and fussed up, as a way to play with him. He does this sound too as a way to express himself too.
I notice the change in these people (and my dog) immediately. I have another dog, who does not change visually while doing this, and she is usually more stable, present, not easily excitable.
Something I observe is how when you're energetic and all fussed up, you essentially become blind to what is here, and what you speak usually have holes in it, and is not clear. I notice too that directly challenging or questioning these holes, only leads the person to become more defensive, and generate more energy. So like with thought out tactics, the best way would be to focus firstly on lowering the energy levels, through showing the person you mean no threat. Like lowering the shields in star trek. You need to indicate to the other person that they can lower their shields, by being agreeable, and expressing agreement with their perspective, and/or deeply breathing loudly and/or speaking in a gentle soft, and possibly high pitch. You can also sound syllables without stress, which is surprisingly soothing. These are points I have lived, and there could be many more applications. I notice the first step is to soothe oneself which is how/why I initially applied these points. I wrote a blog about living acceptance within applying self-forgiveness to create a space of no resistance, and where change, and lasting change is possible.What I notice is that the energy levels dissipate immediately when applying this.
You then can speak in a non-threatening way, and you will notice the change in the other person, when compared to what would happen previously. And it all starts with you which is pretty cool.
Some side-effects, as i am calling them, that have also occurred is that I am speaking more excited when I have the opportunity to do so, and speaking in playful ways, which is a decision, so its like I have choice now, which wasn't there before. I suspect its due in part in having no threats to people, not desiring conflict with people or desiring peace, that I can speak this way because my own defenses are dropping. I notice too in small moments, where I could react, but I don't, and choose to make peace and let go. In general, things appear more quiet than before, and there are still remnants of thoughts, though its more like a leaf falling on a still lake, creating a rippling. So there's a choice now to stop it, with ease. Before it was like the world was ending with each thought I had. Now I just want peace with the world and everything.
So witthin all of this I realize and continue to live that all war and conflict of any sort is unnecessary as well as harmful, by the point that one is not actually living with everyone in peace. As long as fighting and resistance towards any point exist, then that constitutes separation. This includes the mind, as nothing is evil, and to be resisted. If you resist rape, or murder, war, or even resistance itself, that leads to no peace. By firstly starting with accepting what is here, as it exist, you can look and investigate how to practically change something. This is commonsense. That is why the first step in looking at yourself is to first stop resisting yourself and what you see. So within so without, the same point applies with every other point. Resistance is futile, as it is pointless.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Two or more in my name,
the last two characters I wrote, the Justice Character and the Mourning Character, along with the Prideful character that I wrote in my personal writings (not published), are interconnected in some way (I "know" what this is but Im holding it back to give background first)
"the mind suppresses my being"
When I am with a particular someone, a sibling, I react and trigger a certain way. I recognize I react in a similar way to a Buddy I was working with.
I listened to the Sibling Rivalry interview, which assisted me in understand some dimensions.
I recognize that I am suppressing my being or that my being is suppressed by the mind. I am reacting in a particular way, a suppression. I describe this suppression in the following way, everything is quiet, but like a forced quiet, maybe like a chocking. I need to focus on myself to experience what is actually here. Its like a withdrawal into a shell. I am a Cancer, in astrology. Someone explained to me, my mother I believe, that the Cancer animal is a Crab, and that people with that sign withdraw within themselves. Whether that I do that because of when I was born, is another question, but I recognize that I do do that. But more specifically it is a suppression of my being. I am beginning to recognize and see what "my being" is. I have been suppressing for much of my life so it is slightly difficult to see the moments where I am not suppressed. It just takes some time. I recognize I allow myself to be shocked by things and so that leading to a retreat within myself.
I recognize that my Justice character is a form of suppression. When I am acting for Justice, it is not who I would really act as, if I was not triggered. Perhaps all characters are just ways the mind suppresses us, it seems that it could be so. The prideful character, I am seeking validation so it is also someone I would not be, if I was not triggered. And the same person who I would be if I was not triggered in either of the two characters, is the same. I would just be here. I recognize that as this person I would express in different ways depending on what is here, but it is more on a practical point, like how could I express with this thing that is now here, not based on energy building up to acting the same way each time. This person is actually not completely predictable as characters are. You can't be spontaneous while experiencing energy, because you always seek for that which gives more energy which isn't spontaneity but is predictable.
My being, myself.
Me, who I am.
My being isn't a character, I can't define it like I would a character.
I suppress myself with energy.
So I sang some of the robot virgins and other desteni songs outloud on camera, to bring myself out. I saw myself in moments I was singing where I was really being here and singing, and that involved stopping/slowing down the energy and be aware of the physical, and stand within myself, and it in a way it was like pushing down on the mind or energy, to slow it down and give myself space to be here.
A fly was crawling on my eye lid, and looking back on what I wrote.... I wasn't really here in the act of writing.
Im just focusing o myself right now. One reason I am writing this is because I listened to an interview by Bernard and reacted, and one thing he said was how resistance, pain, is a gift, and there is change about to happen if one pushes through. Right now I am pushing to see myself, my real self. I realize it is an assumption that this "real self" even exists, because isn't all that exist already here. So this that is me, that I have been working with this whole time is me, is the "real me", which real in this context is not something special or divine, it is what it is.
I notice I react quite frequently to the tonality of someone's voice.
When I see someone else, or my own memories, I am seeing just the potential of what I can be, not what I am now. But I can practice, live and push this change, which I have already started through singing, and in writing in the way I am now.
I realize that we are intuitively able to learn new words, such as self-honesty and self-forgiveness, granted it takes time, and there may be mistakes, but we are capable of that, living those words.
My brother said some things to me. And I felt bad. I don't want to look at the point, but it doesn't matter because I will. My brother was complaining to me about my breath smelled, and was talking to me as if I should have plan and seen the consequence of not brushing my teeth, and so I failed. Which, everything he said is true, but his attitude. You can tell he doesn't really care for me. That its really something for him, within getting angry and complaining. After listening to the sibling rivalry, I can say my brother holds resentment and anger towards me. He has been competing with me. I have feared him getting violent and angry, and I realize that the less I participate openly with his anger, the more angry he gets, to provoke a response. When I become quiet, I feel suppressed. This is a lie. I actually feel happy that he's angry with me. Because it is the endless war we have played since we were little. And with him getting angry is the objective. But this happiness I am participating in is suppressing my being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my brother expresses anger about my bad breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to make my brother angry, because then I am fighting with him, and winning the war.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the innocent one, by attacking my brother through passive means, through triggering him, and causing his anger, by pushing his buttons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim, and do so to hide when I cause my brother to get angry, because I secretly enjoy it, and feel good about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy bringing out reactions in other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to bring out reactions in other people, because I feel happy doing so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and bring out reactions in people who disagree with me, or with whom I am at war with, even if it means shouting and yelling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make playing tricks and little games, and scaring people, done within the starting point of feeling happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with people from the starting point of energy or who is right, or who wins.
No more fighting,
When and as I see myself feeling happy within pushing someone's buttons to have them react openly, I stop and I breathe- I realize that no one enjoys reacting as it is not supportive for one's living and being, and causing them to react will just have them resent you and lead to war as now they will try to get you back - I realize fighting is always pointless as it is based in energy, which is pointless since its not even real or tangible.
I commit myself to get along with everyone and support everyone to stop their reactive habits, by remaining stable, here, and not engage and participate within another person's reaction, within reaction, but stand as a rod in the ground, to ground the situation to practicality and what is best for all.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
|Knight in Shining Armor to serve Justice|
When someone tells a lie, my Justice Character activates.
Even though it feels like I am charged up, and shout/speak with a loud voice, I feel peaceful. Something that happens sometimes is that I would suppress this character, especially if I didn't know the person and I was speaking with them in person, not online. So I have become this character online and with people close to me. I was scared that other people may harm me, because I was shouting at them, but I would still get revved up when seeing the "injustice." I notice my blood pumps stronger in my veins. And I stand straight with my head tilted slightly so as to create this look with my eyes and forehead. My hands also sway and move more, as I speak. I sometimes jump too. And my voice is consistently and constantly loud. Sometimes the other person asks me to lower my voice, I agree to it, but I keep shouting, without realizing I am. I think to myself they are lying. I think that they know that they are lying. I think that they are just trying to protect themselves being right. I think that they just don't want to change. I think that they are just in reaction, and I need to speak and be like this so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout and just ignore me, like how they always would. I notice how throughout my life, I would get upset at even little lies or jokes, esp. if they were about me. So if someone insulted me I would separately react towards the insult and simultaneously react with the Justice Character, because the insult would be a lie, unless I saw it as true, which it wouldn't activate, and I would react as another character. I notice how this started when I was little and would react to my brother or cousin teasing me, and how I would feel peaceful when I got back at them. I wouldn't shout, I would suppress that, even though I wanted to, and I would do something back to them. There were times where I did shout, and I saw my mother shout, when she was upset. It was not really about the lie, but the injustice. On justice, its like everyone knows what is right but no one does it, which I start reacting to that thought. This thought is a lie, since not everyone is aware of the same things. And I am not aware of that. So it was a lie I had within me that justified the Justice Character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shout/speak in a loud voice, jump around and wave my hands in the air when someone I know tells a lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand up straight and tilt my head to look the person in the eye when someone I know tells a lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are lying, they know they are lying, they just don't want to change, they are just protecting being right when someone I know tells a lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are in reaction, I just need to speak loudly so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout back at me, and ignore/suppress me, like how they always would, when someone I know tells a lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset at little jokes or teases about me, or about others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I must avenge or serve justice to people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things as "justice" to my brother and cousins if I felt they had wronged me or done in injustice, and so I must balance things out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself the lie that everyone knows what is right but doesn't do it on purpose/in awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel peaceful when I activate and become the Justice character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the justice character when someone I know tells a lie.
When and as I see myself feeling peaceful, as the justice character, when someone tells a lie- I stop and I breathe - I realize that, 2 points, that 1, we each are aware of very little of what goes on, and 2, serving justice does not help anyone to correct themselves, either people who have some awareness of what they're doing, or none.
I commit myself to ask questions to find out what people are aware of who say/write information, which doesn't coincide with what knowledge I have stored within me, because its possible that I or them or both have installed misinformation in ourselves.
I commit myself to speak calmly and clearly what information I have stored within me, if it is relevant to the person I am with, if for example they spoke a statement, which doesn't coincide with the information in me, and to ask that they clearly and calmly do the same with me, so that I may learn as well.
Friday, September 12, 2014
|Crying, mourning loss|
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memories, and speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority, and Day 167+168
Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memoriesThere is a fire within me...
Robot Virgins -- Fire (Official Music Video HD)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcF2UgkKq18&index=3&list=UUzdqLahT5x_IlMky_v2TiUg
So I have been writing out a mind pattern within me, that is fairly extensive in the amount of levels it contains. This might be the most levels I have worked on in a single point. I am still going to keep deconstructing and opening up the point, and will post it in small subsections, and at the end, do a summary or outline of the point.
So the first dimension I will post on is Resentment and Envy. Resentment is the negative pole, and Envy is the positive pole. To even say I have resentment or envy is something novel, so I am uncovering something new in me. The most recent observation I had about this point was how destructive Resentment and Envy. A quick glance, there is no other expression that is as destructive as resentment/envy. All matters of violence begin from that point. But also, in human relationships, how a person being resentful/envious destroys his relationships with people. So it is really a destruction on all levels. No one wants to hang around or be with a resentful or envious person. And I had made this observation right before the Robot Virgins song, Fire, which I was listening to the Timeless song by them at the time. Within myself I also feel destructive, like I am destroying myself and I am twising and pulling myself within myself. And I really need to take a moment and stop as I access this, suggesting how normal and addicted I am to it. Another dimension I notice about this point is how it is something I copied and received from my father, as I can clearly see this point within him in how he lived his life. How I saw this point for myself was by identifying feeling Powerless as a source point, and finding three early childhood memories, one following the other, where I experienced feeling Powerless. And from there I saw how I evolved a specific pattern.
Within feeling powerless, I created self-blame, and blaming others, to feel power. I also expressed resentment towards people and the situation for forcing me to change who I am, and I was envious to others who were different and could express things I couldn't. I adapted and evolved to not express how I feel or feel it, as sadness and frustration, and held resentment towards the situation and people around me, blaming them for me having to be this way, and envying them being able to be different, expressing themselves openly, clearly, easily, how they feel.
What I am expressing on the surface is resentment and envy, what I am experiencing deeper down is sadness, and frustration, towards things that are in my environment and in my past.
What are my intentions?
I intended to make everyone join me in making themselves better, and therefore achieving perfection, and life-long happiness.
I intended to make everyone perfect so that they are able to understand me.
I intended to find one girl and marry her.
I intend to bring about a better life for everyone.
I intend to make my life better.
I intend to be free of my mind.
I intend to be perfect.
I desire to rule the world, create the world exactly how I want.
I desire to not feel alone.
I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.
I desire to be liked by everyone.
My family, I desired to be liked by my family. My first class and teacher, I desired to be liked by them. I remember stepping into a class full of strangers for the first time, I felt nervous, scared. I spent my whole life so far with my family, and now I have to meet these strangers. I want them to like me because my mom won't be around, and I get bored, I need someone to play with.
If someone likes me they will play with me, jokingly. They will make high pitch noises and make faces.
I need to do the same to others for them to do it to me.
The statement I desire to be liked by everyone translates to, I desire that everyone make high pitch noises with me and make faces, also give me things. Smile at me. and asks me if everything is ok. This is how my mom and dad raised me.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
in my family home we had our own language. I would even grunt or make physical gestures to express me. And I was always understood. And I could understand my siblings well too. Outside the home it is different. It was difficult to communicate using the same words and ways that we did at home.
I desire to be good at conversation
We didn't engage in small talk at home, or how to talk with new people. We had developed habits of speaking about things deeply, almost philosophically. We also had peculiar jokes. And we tended to point out the obvious but within astonishment. Needless to say, I could not get the same connection with people outside the home. I needed to learn how through school, but I never really did.
I desire to have a best friend.
My parents were my best friends, but that is something not socially acceptable, and also while in school, I spent very little time with them, and they were very busy. I did miss my parents and the time I spent with them, which used to be constant. I was expected to make and have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.
I expressed and experienced love and intimacy with my parents. It was expected of me, to fall in love, like it was supposed to happen, that that was one of the points in life.
Desire. I desire that I live in a world where I wont cry, feel sad, or suffer.
Desire, I desire that I live in a world where no one leaves me.
I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.
my earliest memories would include crying, reacting, in resistance to what is here, living within non-acceptance of what is here. I did not learn this outside the womb from any person, I spontaneously just cried and bawled as a baby, to "throw a tantrum." This reaction/response is preprogrammed. Who I am, was a person that did not accept certain people or situations. This determined when I would cry/react.
A violent memory, where some guy pulled down my pants, and there was a girl I liked, and I become furious, like I felt an energy rising up slowly but quickly, and I tried punching him. I blamed and resented this guy for pulling down my pants and for ruining my chances of being with this girl as she saw me with my pants down.
The act of crying as a baby, is an act of resistance, and violence. I would flail my arms around, and when I react I do the same. This is preprogrammed. We are babies in larger bodies.
I must stop resisting everything.
I must accept and allow what is here.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this situation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing people and their actions.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing the mind.
Not accepting what is here, does not help.
Speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority
I applied self-forgiveness on feeling lustful when seeing a girl that smiles at me, flushed faced, their glasses fogging, talking in a high, weak, and frail voice, kissing me, caressing me, getting on top of me and making out.
I repeated this statement several times. I had to take it slow, to sound the words, within acceptance of everything, and without resistance. Forgiveness works because it is an act of no resistance. I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to... I notice that I got faster at it, and the energy that I called feeling lustful in my solar plexus, became loose, and began to feel like resistance, then I observed it move to my throat, where it disappeared.
I then focused on my throat region and said forgiveness aloud, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, and repeated this, until I spoke it in such a way that I would describe it as speaking it with no resistance in my voice tonality. It was like my vocal cords were not resisting or vibrating. It sounded smooth, like a young boy.
I repeated this self-forgiveness many times. I had a reference, a memory, of a young boy speaking in the Indiana Jones movie.
Later, I was in the bathroom and did self-forgiveness in this way. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I had already identified that all emotions and feelings are actually resistance to what is here, and so is thinking. I would every time I am in the bathroom, think. I then repeated I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I also remembered how being forceful is also an expression. I did not have complete success in removing the resistance. So I spoke self-forgiveness aloud, assertively with a deeper, clear, precise manner. With authority. After saying it both ways, I was standing there, and feeling the resistance, and after a while I started to explore and move throughout the bathroom. BEING in the bathroom. I touched the toilet paper, looked at a lighter. Just be in the bathroom, like if i had been locked in there and decided to stop resisting being locked and started exploring. I decided to sit down, and I remembered how I had been locked in the bathroom with my brother, because we had been fighting. We eventually decided to write a letter to my mom, saying we made peace, but I still resisted peace with my brother, I resisted my brother. So I said that self-forgiveness aloud. I notice this time I spoke in a way that was BOTH assertive, deep, and without resistance, smooth.
I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to...
Everyone can be successful and achieve success. Everyone can be intelligent. Everyone can be a winner. Everyone can be a millionaire. Everyone can have it all. Everyone can achieve happiness, the real one, because we all already have the deluded one.
So those words say it all, there is no real competition and the people around us are not really the competition. The only competition, if there was one, is ourselves, and it is an artificial an illusionary competition, since it is often created as a resistance within us. At the same time, competition can be lived as a word of self-support, within the knowledge and acceptance that everyone else can too achieve the same results you have, and that you can also achieve the same results others have. So in essence, we are all capable of achieving the highest aim, goal or challenge possible.
I see this as important to incorporate within me, because this informs who I am and what I do, because before I forgot this point, and thus I was living as if some are not capable, when in fact they are. This doesn't mean they ever will, but the ability, capability, or potential is there regardless, and I have to find a way of awakening, or activating that, which I have a way.
Essentially my job or work directly involves waking up the potential in people. So incorporating the above point will redefine, shape, or morph, how I approach the work now and what attitude I will have towards, it, myself and people everywhere. Because each person requires their potential to be awakened, and I have already developed and formed a way to do so, during this lifetime, which was actually formed with that intent of waking people up. To tell you the truth I don't know for sure if it will work, because it was always something I saved or held back. It will be interesting for myself to see how it plays out when I live this with everyone, instead of a select few. Because I had these beliefs before that only some people are ready, which is a lie, now I see. Everyone is ready to at least stop and listen, and my words will seep through their layers over time, as they live and go through their experiences, which will confirm my words, and activate them to then seek me out, or take the appropriate steps to live those words on their own or through some other way.
I had resistance in doing this before, because I saw it as being manipulative, which was a judgement. Really as long as I manipulate people through speaking words that are best for them to live, then they could only take those words to live what is best for them, and if they don't its their own fault/responsibility.
This will take a process to stand within speaking as an expression from the starting point of what is best for all. I will continue with this next time.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
So the word is stand.
In relation to the word stand, I of course stand within physical space, however I also require to stand within myself, as my mind, you can say regarding where I stand on certain, issues, decisions and/or circumstances.
For example, I need to be able to stand when someone tells me something, or anything. Whether it is FUCK YOU!!!!! or NO, or YES, or TAKE THIS, or DO THIS. I need to be able to stand. I need to stand in a space or position within myself regarding everything. It needs to be me in awareness of where I stand. Wherever that is, I need to be aware of that. This isn't about one thing in my life, but how I live and relate to EVERYTHING.
When I live like this, standing in a position, its like things are clear because things have been decided. So no one can really question my decision, because it is my decision to make. People may say things to me, but that can't occupy the space I exist within. AND this stand or decision is something that can't be destroyed upon, influenced or forced, by the physical hand or a person's word. I am like the atom that occupies its space. And what is interesting is this, that my decision goes where I am. It is part of me and can't be separated. I may lose limbs, but who I am remains, and this decision remains. I may move across the world, but it still exists where I exist. The decision then has literally become who I am. This is perhaps how we create ourselves in every moment that we have lived on this earth, every decision that we have made since we were a baby.
What is interesting is that I am writing this because I can not stand within a decision with/as myself. In other words, I am capable of being existing within indecision and so being "open" to manipulation, force, and influence, which I notice occurs while simultaneously I feel afraid or fearful. I notice too how I am capable of standing within the decision that I will make my decision but I have not made a decision yet because I have made the decision to assess the moment first before deciding in regards to this event, circumstance or situation.
So I can always choose to stand somewhere with/as myself in the moment.
What I notice on a deeper layer of myself, the guilt of not allowing myself to be open to what other people say, which is something people have said to me, within, I observe, I have made a decision verbally within having explained my reasons why. Self-honestly I observe I cannot trust people that leave themselves open to manipulation and influence. Because then they never make their own observations or decisions as they are constantly searching for influence or information that someone else has to give them, which I self-honestly seen that I have done with a hidden intent of trying to be "not responsible" as someone "else" gave me the information and "influenced me," which is never really true. The truth is this, we always, and will always, and have always been the one that has directly been deciding who we are, even when making the decision to not make decision in an attempt to "not take responsibility." But here's the thing, we are already responsible! We are responsible for when we decide to not take responsibility! So in essence, what we do is futile as well as being a LIE. Because we tell ourselves I am NOT responsible, which like I have already shown is not true, and therefore is a LIE. We are completely responsible for who we are, and who we are is and has always been directly influencing and CREATING the world as it is, and what it will be.
As I reflect on the aforementioned pattern, I see how within guilt there was really an attempt to keep the lie going that I am not responsible for me. So that indicates to me that all GUILT is suspect to DECEPTION. Guilt is NEVER trustworthy. Because guilt has been used for this abusive purpose, it can be used for other abusive purposes, so i can NEVER trust guilt. The closest thing I have to trust is the truth, I am always the one that is responsible for who I am, and thus this world because I am creating it. The truth is I am capable of standing in each moment within a decision that I create, choose or make. The truth is, that anything other than the truth is a lie, literally words spoken or said to myself, usually in my head and sometimes to other people, which don't reflect REALITY. Truth is undeniable. Truth is that trying to hide the truth doesn't change the truth, it just a decision you/I make to not stand within and as the Truth and Reality, or what is already here. Standing within the lie is like not existing, except that's the lie.
So I commit myself to stand within the truth, within myself, in every moment, and thus automatically includes that I am capable of standing in a decision in each moment, and thus must do so, because of the consequence of allowing other people, or the situation dictate and determine who I am, where I stand, and what the outcome will be, which in essence determines and creates the world as it exists today and will exist, which I couldn't allow the same abusive patterns to repeat itself of not taking responsibilities and existing within a suppressed state of oneself, and influencing and telling others to do the same, so that no one can come up to you and tell you the truth that you are hiding from.