“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Breathing: Reassessment of Practical Application 211

So I will be assessing my practical application regarding the muscular constrictions that are linked to emotional reactions, as discussed in recent posts.

There were a few moments where I recall identifying a constriction of my diaphragm. In one moment, I was in the middle of a conversation, and at the start of the conversation, I notice my voice was rather high. This was a red flag that I identified for this physical reaction. I then had checked my diaphragm, and notice that I was in a physical reaction. Normally in such contexts I would be, what I used to call nervous. Having a conversation with another person and feeling this way was normal for me throughout my life. It was normal to feel nervous.

So in this moment of conversation I focused on breathing, and releasing this constriction of my diaphragm. I did notice immediate results. My voice changed and was deeper. When I spoke, the words I used were specific and I would say more honest, more to the point, more relaxed, and more effective in communicating myself to the other person. So this was a successful moment of practical application and change.

There is another context, that is different. It was not about conversation, but rather me being with myself. I would like to take the opportunity to explore this moment here, because I am unsure what had happened in this moment. This might be something new. So on the lower part of my stomach, where the lower intestines are, and where the bladder is. I felt a pressure or sensation. It also felt more difficult to breathe, like I had trouble breathing in. The emotional experience is feeling unsure. Like an anxiety or angst, because I don't know. In a way it feels like there is not enough space in my general chest, and center body, to breathe. Because I see that my space of my body isn't changing, I conclude that this experience is a result of expecting myself to need to breathe more than I really need to. So when this experience of angst or anxiety comes up, I feel like I need to breathe more than what I really need. It is like an experience of feeling trapped, very much like claustrophobia, where a person hyperventilates.  So I was hyperventilating, or breathing excessively hard and fast.  

After rereading what I wrote the phrase: "this experience is a result of expecting myself to need to breathe more than I really need to" is significant. Because my anxiety is really about my expecting myself to know more than what I actually know. So this hyperventilating is breathing more than what I actually need to breathe. So its also about me feeling trapped within not knowing, and so being trapped in this moment where I do not know something.

From this the solution is clear. To breathe regularly, in a way calm, clear, exactly what I need to support me in this moment. And I will live, learn, and grow as fast as I can, not faster or slower, because that is the best I can do. What I notice is that in this specific context that surrounded this particular moment, actually required of me to go slowly. So going faster than how I can move effectively, is detrimental.

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