“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Life Story of a Would-be Guru

Law, follow the law character, fear the law, fear breaking the law, fear making money, fear being independent, follow gods law, follow the rules, live karmically well, live what is good, avoid bad or you will be punished, do what is good only.

Don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 

Always living according to what is morally right, losing all self-direction. That is my life in a sentence. Now I am starting to live my principle, what is best for all, however my eyes are tainted by the law of good and evil, or shall I say glasses. Feeling good within following the law, feeling as all is in peace or alignment because I am following the law, the law of God, what is right or just or good. The seed or soil where righteousness is born, or brought forth. The law. Punishment, retribution, delivery of reward and rewarding justice.

I was destined to be a Guru. There is not a doubt about that. A guru follows the law. There is karmic law and spiritual law, and the law of God. A guru also does not question the money system, he or she actually supports it, and gets everyone else to keep participating within the money system. A guru will amass many followers, who spend endless hours devoting to him or her. A guru is like a police to make sure the system stays in place, and to also trap those who might wish to find an answer to the system, by providing an answer that is filled with both truth and lies, so as to give disinformation, and mislead the person. I know, because I have actually done this and practiced this. And the reasons for this is the same reason noted above, which is really pathetic when you look at it for what it is: to follow the law, the law of god, for god, to serve god. I would practice on what to say, to get people to do what I wanted to them to do, to align to the law of god, or what is morally or karmically correct. I used intimidation, a passive aggressiveness, inserting thoughts through words to create a self-judgment, or belief that the person is doing wrong or what is not right or not following the law of law of God. I was in a way like a mind police. I would police people in my life, and domain, to follow the one true path, the path of God. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, there was complete acceptance. I could say, from a limited point of view, still more aware of how things actually worked than those I policed. That was how I could police them. I understood, more or less, how to functionally work with thoughts, and manipulate the thought patterns of others through my words and actions. It was only conscious thoughts, or the surface thoughts, as I would use statements that others would take on for themselves, or to create an intended belief about themselves from what I said. And I would feel this energy, like asserting and punishing them, as if they did something wrong for breaking the law or rules of the institution, or social rules or board game rules. Everyone who broke the rules or law were acting in an evil manner, and evil was defined for me as someone who consistently acts evil. So they required to be rectified and brought back in alignment. This is a base program for me, which only now am I really facing in a significant capacity. I judge my father as evil because he consistently broke the law, and broke promises and agreements, even when he had valid excuses or reasons. I would not take those reasons or excuses into consideration. This is proof I was really a computing robot, not self-aware or able to work multi-dimensionally, or freely. I was bound to the law, and those who broke the law have to be charged, and so I would charge within myself and carry out the charge. This lead to a separate relationship with my Father. I would always try to change him, but I never could. I see this as one gift he has given me.

Living the way I did, life seemed simple, and the answer to everything was clear. I felt and believed sincerely or at least adamantly, that I had the answer to everything, and that if anyone were to give me a question about life, or how to live, I had the answer. And I literally felt it, that I had the answer. It felt like a security but also like a fear of losing it and needing to maybe defend it, and so attack others, if necessary. I also felt like I would be fighting for God, almost like a Crusader or Martyr. I felt holy and just in whatever I would need to do, because I was on the right side. This also lead to a resentment towards people, because I felt I was holy, and on the right side, and so pure, and so people should have adorned me, and followed me, especially when everyone else was breaking the law all the time, and were not just like me. I felt entitled to be loved and adorned, and this stuck to me my whole life, and this lead to a friction with everyone, and I only sought to rectify this by becoming a great teacher or guru and so show people my greatness, and exemplify it. This is essentially the path of generating followers. This is, or was, my original path to become a Guru, which of course changed. However the underlying system has been present this whole time.

I notice how the other day I suggested we create a system of rules for something, which is cool, however it was spoken from a point of necessity, like I can't function without a sort of rule, because I do not wish to break the rule, in case there is some secret underlying social rule I am unaware of. So its like a paranoia in respect to breaking rules. Also the exact same thing, with breaking the law, also a paranoia. As a child I also would like to the know the exact laws of the board game, and trusted them, and felt better when following them. I would also get upset if someone broke a rule in a game, or school rule. Also the general paranoia extends towards the punishment especially. There is a fear of evil inherent, and also existing a reliance or dependence, of some outside source of Good, or God. Within this obviously is a reliance on authority. Also fearing people that are completely free, that decide for themselves, who do not have the same morality or system as me. A fear connected to criminals, and evil-doers, and fear of being harmed or hurt, essentially dying. I before had judged this as control issues, but really, it is the fear that control is not in the hands of a one source, which in essence would be the actual rules or laws themselves. I notice that we human beings find comfort in having one law or system, governing us, that we can follow. So its almost like the fear of no longer having a set of rules or laws guiding and directing us, telling us what to do. The fear of being self-directed and self-responsible. From my observations, that fear is instilled and taught through punishment or negative experiences that are associated to true acts of self-direction and self-responsibility in early childhood, which includes all moments from birth. Every time the parent says "No don't do that" that is a suppression of the child's ability to direct and learn, and thus the natural development of responsibility through consequence. There is no true communication occurring, it is only a reaction that is being transferred onto the child, creating a suppression, specifically a fear of exploring, self-directing, being self-responsible, and creating, instead, a reliance on the parents for guidance, and asking the parents for permission, and, essentially, the answer to everything.


If a baby were to stand up and say no, and stand his ground no matter what, than he would be self-directive his whole life. We each have that potential. In essence, mine, and everyone process, is taking back our original decisions, and re-deciding to stand our ground.

Im just opening this point up for myself, and it is unfortunately my bed time, sleep calls... So I will stop here and continue next time.

No comments:

Post a Comment