“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Reacting with Anger towards feeling Sad. Day 152


Tonight, I am writing a blog just to write a blog. I had trouble with this because I have done this before, write a blog just to write a blog, and it wasn't self-supportive. So for the past week, about, I have been just writing for me, only, and posting online, a selection of what I wrote, something that would make a nice blog. But tonight, guess what? I will write a blog just to write a blog AND it will be self-supportive.

I am actually here writing directly into the blogger window. So perhaps ideally I might write about some mind point and do self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and then self-commitment statements. Instead I am going to focus on just what was going on 5 minutes ago. And just open it up.

So I saw online how some people were posting how Bernard died about 1 year ago. I bring this up because I was looking on facebook 5 minutes ago and I was looking at some photos of Bernard. I never really got to know him (came up in my mind in that moment), at least I mean like in person. Because I did get to know him online, and perhaps (I can't really judge because I don't have the other experience to compare it to) that part that mattered more. He certainly placed the message of doing what is best for all, how to do that, the process it takes, and oneness and equality, out there, will all his time, doing one Vlog A DAY, for quite a long time. Its almost as if I WANT to be SAD, its like a mind point. And its such a conditioning to WANT to MISS something, like all the times I have lost toys when I was little, and I would miss them. This is kind of that feeling, which is why I brought that memory up (or shall I say that memory brought itself up). And its so easy now to switch into anger towards me to Miss things, because (as my memory shows) its so childish, which is just a judgment.

It seems to be to be an injustice if I just allow the points that opened up to remain not completely bare. So one pattern I identify is making a loss of something, a less of a loss then what it really is through judgment, opinion and perspective manipulating. Death is Death, simple.

Ok, next pattern. Feeling and happy and glad and just positive when using the words oneness and equality, those are cherished words.

Next. one Vlog a DAY, wow, Im impressed, I need to do more, feeling inadequate and feeling anxious as in I need to do more, now!

Next! The sadness point is actually fairly shallow, its just on the surface with the initial description and words of Bernard dying 1 year ago, and really just masks the other patterns I mentioned above. Its more like just an excuse to talk about the other points, which hold significant energy charges. The same with the anger, with anger being even more superficial than the sadness point, which is ontop of Sadness.

I was perhaps expecting more patterns, so this might be a manageable blog post. Just in case, I will start out with only one, and if that makes a sizable blog, I can continue with the others in the next post.

I will start out with the most superficial point, and go down from there.

Reacting to feeling sadness within missing somthing.
I reacted to myself feeling sad within missing something, with anger, like I shouldn't be feeling sad about missing something, its childish! I am a man, men shouldn't cry. I am an adult, not a child. I can't find a girlfriend if I cry so often and feel sad so often. I need to feel more positive and be more positive, not feeling or being depressing. Depression kills, I can't be depressing, I must suppress depression. Depression will mess up my grades, and my school performance. I won't do as good and so won't earn the respect of my mom, dad, brother and sister. Who am I without good grades? I will never succeed or accomplish anything. I might as well give up now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by how well I do in school and thus my grades or marks in school.
I forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to define myself according to the respect I feel that I receive from my parents, brother and sister, due to maintaining of good grades in school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ability to succeed and accomplish anything according to how well I did in school, in terms of grades or marks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define whether I try based on whether I think that I am able to succeed or accomplish anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear depression, and thus give depression control over me, which I don't have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of depression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive, I can't do school work or do well in school if I feel depressed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive, that the only way to deal with depression is to suppress depression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to always be positive, happy, and feel good in every moment, especially if I want to have control, be myself, capable of succeeding and accomplishing anything, like doing well in school in terms of getting good grades.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not allowed to cry, feel sad, or feel depressed because I am an adult, not a child, and I am a male, not female.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, and perceive that females won't date a male that cries, especially since he is an adult, not only male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that people, not just females, want to be surrounded by positivity all the time, and that I need to be positive all the time and feel good if they are going to hang around me, or be around me.
I forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to feel angry or resentful towards myself, for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad, as if feeling sad is unacceptable, and must be suppressed, like its something that doesn't require understanding and acceptance as my creation, but as somethign foreign, dangerous and evil that requires eradiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge negative emotions as foreign, dangerous, and evil that requires eradication, instead of seeing it as my creation, something I experienced in a moment in the past that created a pattern of acting and thinking that I accepted and allowed in that moment in the past, and repeated in similar moments.

When and as I see myself feeling angry towards feeling sad or any other negative emotion- I stop and breathe- I realize suppression doesn't solve anything, it only prolongs the inevitable - I realize feeling angry is like an act of violence, and violence towards myself, for no good reason, is unacceptable- I realize that everything within me is my creation, in terms of the mind, so how I treat my mind is how I treat me, literally, the more I suppress the mind, the more I suppress me; the more I judge the mind, the more I judge me- I realize that also how I treat others in my mind is how I treat myself -

I commit myself to treat my mind, how I would like to be treated- with care, respect, grace, honesty, gentleness and a firm hand, depending on how I am, and essentially giving me exactly what is needed in the moment that would most benefit me, my expansion, growth and development into the best person I can be, that lives the best life possible that he could live, for himself and everyone else as well.

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of feeling sad, and not positive- I stop and breathe- I realize that who I am, is not all about feelings and emotions, that I can move myself even when I feel sad or happy, and even get good grades- I realize my ability to move is not determined completely by how I feel in the moment- I realize that it is beneficial to my health and overall being to deal with and sort out my emotions of sadness and depression, but fearing the effects of having these emotions within me, is silly as it only makes matters worse for me, because fear is another emotion - I realize there is never any point in having any feeling or any emotion regarding anything feeling or emotion, its just silly -

I commit myself to always try my best at everything, my grades, school, work, relationship, communication, whatever thing I do, despite how I feel.
I commit myself to root out every emotion and feeling that is defined according to another emotion or feeling, as it is extremely silly, and a waste of my life potential. 

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