“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Quest for humility part 5 - Being present with my emotions day 159


My A. saying that he’s the best. I feel angry. I feel my blood rushing through my hands and feet, my heart pulsing. My breath is shallow. I feel like shouting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel my blood rushing through my hands and feet, when I am angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel my heart pulsing when I am angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe shallow when I am angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like shouting when I am angry.
When and as I see myself feeling angry- I stop and I breathe – I realize that other people do not take anger well- I realize that when I am angry, I don’t really know what I am angry about specifically, I just feel it and act instantly – I realize that I don’t know where my anger comes from- I realize that the adrenaline I feel, is not good for my heart and my body – I realize that it is unnecessary for me to become angry, for my adrenaline to increase, my heart rate to increase, and to shout –
I commit myself to speak calmly and collected.
I commit myself to breathe when I get angry.
I commit myself to investigate and write about what makes me angry.
I commit myself to find out where my anger comes from.
I commit myself to through writing, introspection, self-inquiry, and self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, find out where my anger comes from, how it works, and why it exists.
I commit myself to breathe when I feel adrenaline, especially when I am angry.

Why do I feel angry?
I feel angry because, A. made me angry, and my father made me angry.
How did I become angry?
I lost at chess, and my A. was shoving it into my face, and my father disagreed with me, and said I was just angry.
 Where does my anger come from?
All the times I have lost at things, and people had rubbed it in my face by celebrating, laughing at me, saying to me I’m not good, or dumb, or suck. And I wish that they would die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry because my A..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry because me father made me angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when I lost at chess, and I perceived that my A. was shoving his victory in my face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when my father disagreed that A. was causing my anger, and that I was the one who was being angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry because I would wish people to die, when they would win things and rub it in my face, causing me to feel bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when people laughed me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when people celebrate a victory,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when people say that I am not good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when people tell me I am dumb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when people tell me I suck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that people would die if they made me feel bad.
When and as I see myself feeling angry because someone made me feel bad, and I wished that they would die – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t really wish for anyone to die – I realize that I feel bad and I wish to stop feeling bad – I realize I am blaming people that call me bad things, for the reason why I feel bad – I realize I have placed value on words, on my name, on “who I am” and who people say “I am.” – I realize that anger starts with feeling like I am hurt and I blame another person for causing me to feel to hurt, and that is who I am angry with – I realize that when I am angry, I don’t feel hurt – I realize that I keep on getting angry so I don’t feel hurt – I realize that when I let go of feeling hurt, and stopping blaming others or anything for why I am hurt, then I will have no reason to get angry –
I commit myself to investigate and open up through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, self-inquiry, and self-introspection why I feel hurt when people call me names, and celebrate their victories.

I commit myself to kill “Yogan,” the who I am, the name, the value that is placed on the word “Yogan” and words associated to “Yogan,” through writing, self-inquiry, introspection, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements on feeling bad when people call me names, and celebrate their victories.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself, by finding why I feel bad, where does feeling bad come from, and how I feel bad, when people call me names, and celebrate their victories, and removing feeling bad.

“You suck”
I feel sad.
I’m remembering a time when I was at YMCA, and we were playing soccer in the court. I know I wasn’t very good. I was ok. I was mostly a defender. I certainly did not feel like I was as good as the other kids. I felt like the other kids were kind of harsh, or cared too much about winning. They would get angry sometimes. They talked as if playing soccer and being good at soccer was part of who they are, their identity.
I felt bad when I did poorly or made a mistake. Why? I felt like I was letting the team down, or myself down, that I could do better than that.
Why did I feel sad?
Because I wanted to win. Because I didn’t want to lost. I wanted to be better than my A.. I don’t know.
How did I feel sad?
When I lost or while I was losing, while playing with my A.. Because I remembered all the times I felt sad, when my A. would say certain things, I remembered when we would play together, me, my A., and my B., video games, or games outside, where I would lose and I would try so hard to win, and feel so sad. I took it personal. I took winning and losing personal, like it said something me, about who I am, and about who I was playing with. Why do we feel bad when we lose, and why do feel good when we win.
Where does feeling sad come from?
Memories of experiencing feeling sad that build up and connect to one another. In my early childhood, I felt sad when I lost toys. I would miss them, and wish I could find them again, and I would imagine finding them again, and feeling happy imagining that. Its like a fear when I realize, OH NO, I lost it, its gone forever, and then I feel sad. Feeling sad comes from feeling lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I was not as good as the other kids.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not very good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was ok.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to only being a defender in soccer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like that the other kids were harsh.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like the other kids cared too much about winning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that the kids say soccer as part of their identity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that the other kids would be get angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I did poorly or made mistakes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I was letting the team down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I was letting myself down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can do better than that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I wanted to win.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I didn’t want to lose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I wanted to be better than my A..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don’t know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I lost or while I was losing while playing with my A..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I remembered all the times I felt sad, while I my A. say things to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I would remember playing video games or playing outside a game, where I would be trying very hard to win, and I would lose to my A. or B..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take losing to my A. and B. in a game, personally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to take winning to my A. and B. , personally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that winning and losing says something about who I am, and who I am playing with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself feel bad when I lose, and feel good when I win.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I lose a game because all of memories of losing games and feeling sad are connected.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I lose toys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my lost toys, and wish I could find my lost toys again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine finding my lost toys again, and feeling happy, imagining that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when I lost my toys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my toys are gone forever, and to then feel sad afterwards.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I feel lost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I lose something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad after I experience fear of loss.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad after I experience the fear of having lost my toys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have lost something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that something is gone forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my lost toys are gone forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my toys are lost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I have lost the chance at winning when I lose a game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I have lost a chance at feeling happy when I lose a game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when I have my toys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when I play with my toys.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself feeling happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing happiness when my A. beats me at chess.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine feeling happy when I beat my A. in chess or I am winning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing things.
When and as I see myself feeling angry because I fear losing something – I stop and I breathe – I realize that anger is stupid, that it doesn’t help me keep me from losing things- I realize that losing things is part of life, we lose hair, we lose friends and loved ones, we lose ourselves sometimes, we lose our way, we sometimes are lost and don’t know where we are, we lose our keys, our cellphones, we lose many things – I realize that feeling afraid of losing things, doesn’t help me to keep better track of them, to be organized, disciplined, and have a good memory for where I keep things – I realize that emotions are not real, that I can’t really lose them, that they are a part of, who I am, and how I am built – I realize that its time to be practical with myself, with how I live, what I do, with my emotions, and myself.
I commit myself to be organized and have a place for everything
I commit myself to be organized with my day, and have a time set for everything, a schedule for my day
I commit myself to learn to let go of things when they are gone.
I commit myself to find my way again, when I am lost, to reestablish my bearings, and figure out where I am.
I commit myself to, when I lose things, to be systematic, and search for where they are most likely to be found, and keep searching, until I have done my best and I am satisfied that it is not where I had considered it to be.
I commit myself to let go of emotions, to stop trying to feel a particular emotion, and control what emotion I am feeling right now.
I commit myself to be present, and allow what emotions I have to be here, and simply be here with myself, with emotions, and feelings and aware of what is going on within me.

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