“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, August 8, 2014

A Diligent List -day 150


Today I made a list of things to do. I had started with the idea, “what if I lived the same day everyday” and saw how good that can be for me, if I lived such a wonder-full and full day. So that was my starting point, to play pretend, as a fun way to write the list, and I would be making the commitment to repeat each thing every day. As a practical matter, some things on the list can only be done on specific days of the week, such as taking out the garbage or watering the plants only when it hasn’t rain in a while. But I still wrote those kinds of responsibilities or task, because I could then at least check whether those conditions for those tasks have been met for today.
So I started with waking up, as both an action and an event of the day. So when I wake up I will have a routine to accomplish. When writing the list I was not strict in having to do things in that order, however, while I am practicing performing these tasks, I will go in order until I have integrated the tasks into my being, or routine. So I wrote some things down on the list that I have already integrated to some extent, like eating breakfast, or stretching, but also have not done “Really” as a routine in a while. Like I used to before going to school, stretch as the first thing in the morning, you know, like raise your arms up in the air, sit up, or maybe laying down just stretch and reach with your arms and legs, letting out a sigh or Aghhh! So that was one of the things I wrote down on the list, something which I used to do, but haven’t in a while, but now is part of my list.
So I wrote down absolutely everything that I consider a responsibility for me, at least that I could remember in the moment. I mean, I may remember or realize other things later on, but I tried my best to get everything I could down, and spent some time, perusing my mind and memory, trying to make sure I got it all. And so again this included some things that were weekly, which was ok, because I can also look further into a point of responsibility, like if I plan to meet with someone weekly, and if I wrote down, “meet with Susan” then part of my responsibility today, even though today’s not the day to meet her, is to check and make sure our meeting is still on, and whether I am prepared for that meeting for this week, or next week. So even though I am not fulfilling exactly what I wrote down, I am still preparing and making sure that things will ride smoothly when it does come in the near future. Another example of this would be taking out the garbage. So I simply see whether the garbage is full, because maybe I don’t know or haven’t seen it in a while. So my list in other words is practical. I know what I need to do to accomplish the point, and I don’t have to write every single detail of how I am going to accomplish it.
So when I write down my list, I made sure, or Im pretty sure at least most of it, is written in this format: Verb , Noun. So like this, clean dishes, make lunch, walk dog, take shower. So it is always written out the action I am taking, which helps ground things for me and make it practical, because it defines what I am doing. Like writing this blog is one of my responsibilities so I wrote, write my blog.
Lastly, this may be the last point I share with you, I was a bit confused and befuddled by whether I should include entertainment things, because I was looking back in my past what I used to do, and it was filled with entertainment, not responsibilities. I remembered how a friend ask me a question whether entertainment was part of life. Well, obviously it is. But I ask, should it be? When I look at children I see them laughing and playing. And then I asked myself whether if I had a child, or when I was a child, how would the situation play out with the parent. I was brought up with the idea that there is a balance in work and play, like a balance between eating good food or food good for your body and desert or junk food. So I grew up completing all of my responsibilities and then playing afterwards, or schedule play time, to make sure I had enough time to still finish my homework. So it seemed clear to me that as long as I finish all of my responsibilities then its ok to have some junk food or entertainment time. The problem comes in when I am playing and entertaining myself while there are still responsibilities that need to get done. So I am still writing a list about how if I would live the same day over and over again, how it would be. So I decided then to create a section of stuff that I can do when work is done. And I wrote down all of those things that I find pleasurable or enjoyable. Interestingly enough, I didn’t write down video games, which is something I have done a lot, because in comparison to the other stuff I wrote, it seemed less pleasurable.
To open up this point further, I feel guilty, because I have in the past, engaged in entertaining myself and left responsibilities uncompleted. Really the end goal in this is to complete my responsibilities, with that, I will feel better. I know too that I am capable of having fun while completing responsibilities, but also how I am not ALWAYS interested in having fun. I enjoy too being serious and setting out on a goal and completing it. That’s fun too. And its fun also to sometimes be silly, makes jokes, and eat sweet things. But I also like eating foods that are good for my body, that taste bitter, and its like you can taste the nutrition in a good vegetable soup, and your body feeling invigorated and stronger. So all in all it seems everything has its part to play, and its all good. I just need to direct each part, and how I live it, so its serves me best. Balance is a good word to describe this lifestyle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live balance in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not balance between work and play, and what serves me now and me in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not balance between what supports my body, and what is a stress on my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not divide time to give myself a balance lifestyle that supports all parts of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create imbalance through energy, through thinking, through imagining what I want, instead of going after what I really want as balance as my whole life, as responsibilities, work, play, enjoyment, expression, and fun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how the mind is fickle and not reliable, and how I require to integrate new information and patterns and ways of living, such as a lifestyle, which all takes time and practice, and so to utilize lists and other physical reminders to help me to do integrate new behaviors, new ways of living, and a new lifestyle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have always been integrating new habits and behaviors through the mind, but these were motivated by thinking, and emotions, which are wayward, fleeting, fickle, and because of these qualities, dangerous, because living in this physical world effectively, requires discipline, a steady mind, clarity, focus, diligence, and willingness to see only the truth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I saw how I could be living a better life, but not doing anything about it, instead of making the change and doing what I haven’t been doing, e.g. completing my responsibilities and tasks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit fun to just energy, instead of making fun an expression that occurs within doing what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit entertainment to energy, instead of making entertainment or enjoyment of myself, just that, involving me, and awareness of me, and moving me within a movement and expression that involves my body, not just my mind, and to be alive within that, and aware of all the points within me as I move, and work with things, and make things happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not having just enjoy myself in this moment here, wherever I am, whatever I am doing, as what best for all, and moving forward the actual realization in the physical as a manifestation of what is best for all, heaven on earth, in the small, that eventually accumulate over time into the big as more and more people enter into the fold.
When and as I see myself abusing myself as allowing responsibilities I have taken on to be forgotten and left undone- I stop and breathe- I change my direction to immediately moving to accomplish a single responsibility, as I can only work in one point in any one moment, and if it is something I have resistant towards or find difficult, to breathe, and continue with the action involved in that work, because I know through time with continued movement and participation I will get better at that responsibility and it will integrate into my daily routine. The key to any change is diligence, practice or persistence. I know I can be successful at anything, if I just continue at it. This is thanks in part to my use of Techno Tutor, which also involved the same process of continued use thereof.
I commit myself to eventually integrate any new responsibility through practice, and diligence and persistence.

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