“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, January 10, 2014

Day 132- Attachments to People


         I was holding onto the validation from certain people in my life. I was restricting and limiting myself based on what I perceived would be validated by these people. In my mind, I was playing out scenarios, and conversations where what they would say to me would be positive or negative (They were mostly negative). Because I wouldn’t let these people go as attachments, I could not stop this negative thinking. I kept thinking how I didn’t know anything as I did something which I haven’t spoken about with someone else. I couldn’t move me (this is a belief), I didn’t know what to do (this is a belief). And because I wouldn’t let go of my perceptions and beliefs about who they are, and what they think of me, I really couldn’t do anything. So the solution was to let them go within myself. So within that if they were removed from the face of the planet, I would have a reaction. So I stopped that reaction through breathing and being here with myself in the physical, within equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, wish and want certain people in my life to always stay with me, that they will never go or be gone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when someone in my life leaves me, to feel sad, lonely, depressed, within stating the words “I miss them.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “missing you/them” to emotional reactions of sadness, loneliness, depression, regret, despair, and hopelessness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create attachments to people within me, which create a personification of the person as words/backchat/thoughts within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not free the person within me as this personification as this living memory as words/backchat/thoughts, and so stand as myself as One Individual within me, instead of being split into multiple pieces and layers of mind as memories and thoughts.
When and as I see myself creating an attachment to someone in my life,  I stop and I breathe, and I realize that I have created an attachment to someone before and this leads to personified negative thinking because the starting point of this attachment is separation, since it is like keeping a memory of a person within you and treating that memory as just as real as this person, that this memory is this person, which is a lie. So within that separation for having kept a living memory of a person and treating it as this person, it creates friction, and I feel like I am in struggle with myself, and it builds and builds until it seems like it overwhelms me.
I commit myself to change all attachments into simply memories without emotional charge.
When and as I see myself feeling depressed when someone I have created an attachment to is gone, I stop and I breathe, and I realize that who this person is is not my attachment and it is because of my attachment to this person as keeping a living memory of that person and treating the memory as the same as this person, that I feel sad, depressed, and lonely, because the energy that is used for feeling sad, depressed, and lonely is coming from the inner struggle and friction derived from my starting point of separation from this memory of this person as thoughts/backchats and personifying it as if it were this person.  By stopping the attachment I open the door to stopping the depression. I must still walk through the door to stop the depression.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop my depression by interacting with people while not reacting.
When and as I see myself thinking a negative thought that is personified as a person that I have created an attachment to, I stop and I breathe, and I realize that who this person is is not my negative thought- I realist that my negative thought is a reflection of me, who I really am- I realize I do not have to define myself by any negative thoughts, ever – I realize that through stopping my negative thoughts, I benefit me, and through benefiting me I also open the door to benefiting others- I must still walk through the door to benefit others.
I commit myself to when I am interacting with someone, to not be thinking about them, but focusing on myself here, on the conversation.

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